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Louisville Baseball Scouting Report (By Someone Who Hates Louisville and Baseball)

The University of Louisville will play host to the University of Kentucky in baseball this weekend with a spot in the College World Series on the line. The best-of-three series will be played in front of a sold out crowd on Friday at noon, Saturday at noon, and, if necessary, Sunday at — you guessed it — noon o’clock.

Excitement is running wild in both cities and within the two programs as it is easily the biggest head-to-head series in the rivalry’s storied history. Kentucky, playing in its first ever Super Regional, hopes to upset Louisville to punch its ticket to Omaha; while Louisville, the sixth-ranked team in the country, looks to return to the College World Series for the fourth time under head coach Dan McDonnell.

Now before I go on, I should make it very clear that baseball is not my expertise. I went to a Cincinnati Reds game in like third grade and got tossed out of a handful of Thirsty Thursdays in Lexington in my prime; but outside of that, America’s pastime ain’t my thing. That being said, I put myself on assignment to scout the Cardinals for all of you Kentucky fans out there, and scout the Cardinals I did.

Below you’ll find everything you need to know about the Wildcats’ upcoming opponent and future Louisville Super Regional runner-up…


They dyed their hair blond for the postseason.


Although, pitcher Jake Sparger opted for the red mohawk instead.


If for some reason you didn’t hate Louisville before, you do now.

One of the star players is from Lexington and originally committed to Kentucky out of high school. (So, he is a traitor.)

A top-100 MLB draft prospect, Louisville short stop Devin Hairston almost ended up in blue and white for his college career. He committed to Kentucky as a young star at Tates Creek High School in Lexington to join his older brother, Dorian Hairston, on the Wildcats baseball team. But then something happened and the younger Hairston flipped his commitment to the dark side, and now he is one of the key components and brightest stars on Louisville’s roster.

It’s a really sad story of a young boy losing his way.

They play in Long John Silver’s Stadium.

Technically, it’s Jim Patterson Stadium. But Jim Patterson is known for founding Long John Silver’s, so we’re unofficially changing its name to Long John Silver’s Stadium right now.

Spread the word: $1.99 Fish and Fries before 6 p.m. with a free hush puppy for anyone over 60. Present your ticket stub at any location following the game for free corn on the cob and a 50 percent shot at food poisoning.

(Note: Long John Silver’s was founded in Lexington, yet another example of Louisville relying on its rival city.)

The Louisville pitchers may or may not use pine tar, so I read on Twitter once.

My understanding is pine tar is frowned upon in baseball. And to be fair, I don’t see pine tar in that screenshot. And to be fairer, I don’t know what pine tar looks like. And to be fairer than that, I would use the hell out of pine tar if I pitched.

I’m just passing along another man’s observation from last Sunday and presenting a better look for you pine tar conspiracy theorists out there.

To me it looks like he wiped bare-handed after eating at Long John Silver’s.

Head coach Dan McDonnell licks microphones when he can’t answer a question.

For example: “Hey Coach, are you confident your team will beat Kentucky this weekend?”

See? Told ya.

Meanwhile, pitching coach Roger Williams wants you to f— off.

Louisville, always classy.

Brendan McKay is the best player in college baseball and he may be the best two-way player in history.

Pitcher/first baseman Brendan McKay will go No. 1 or No. 2 overall in the MLB draft and he’ll make more money before he’s 25 than I’ll make in a lifetime, so I have nothing negative to say about his game.

But I have no problem saying his postseason hairdo makes him look like an asshole:


Speaking of bad hair…

The second baseman with cornrows is so, so Louisville.

And you can’t lose to a white guy with cornrows, can you?

Go Cats.

Article written by Drew Franklin

I can recite every line from Forrest Gump, blindfolded. Follow me on Twitter: @DrewFranklinKSR

16 Comments for Louisville Baseball Scouting Report (By Someone Who Hates Louisville and Baseball)

  1. Penn Chaloaf
    8:06 pm June 7, 2017 Permalink

    GO CATS!

  2. WildcatScratchFever
    8:34 pm June 7, 2017 Permalink

    Cornrows guy is aware of Kenny Powers I’m assuming

  3. Memphis UK Cat
    8:50 pm June 7, 2017 Permalink

    Drew, freakin awesome review. Go Cats!

  4. Memphis UK Cat
    8:51 pm June 7, 2017 Permalink

    Drew, freakin awesome review. GO CATS

  5. TBW3011
    9:30 pm June 7, 2017 Permalink

    They have a tremendous coach. That being said, he may be the biggest d-bag in all of college athletics.

    • BBNDan7
      10:42 pm June 7, 2017 Permalink

      Louisville has a D-bag coaching a sport?? I’m dumbfounded lol

    • TBW3011
      11:32 pm June 7, 2017 Permalink

      I know right? The others are more high profile, but the way this guy carries himself is beyond annoying. Guy thinks he invented baseball.

    • IstandUPatGames
      8:37 am June 8, 2017 Permalink

      I hear that Mssengill is considering sponsoring their next sports venue.

  6. Catlogic15
    9:55 pm June 7, 2017 Permalink

    Drew, one of your best works ever. Hahaha. Lesgooooo!!!

  7. Go_Wildcats_Go
    12:48 am June 8, 2017 Permalink

    Looks like the pitching coach learned the old one finger salute from Slick Rick. Perhaps they teach the coaches that is an acceptable way to say hello/goodbye in Loserville.

  8. chase
    8:25 am June 8, 2017 Permalink

    I am constantly shocked by the level of scum that the Louisville athletics department produces. I guess I shouldn’t be shocked anymore (fool me once) but how is it so pervasive and unfettered? Flat bills, corn rows, middle fingers and dyed ‘dos. May God have mercy on their tattooed souls. Or, more more appropriately, may God cleanse the stench from our great state.

  9. UKBlue1982
    8:34 am June 8, 2017 Permalink

    Their faces are so punchable, I may have cracked my computer monitor.

    “To me it looks like he wiped bare-handed after eating at Long John Silver’s.” (Snort laugh)

  10. runningunnin.454
    8:36 am June 8, 2017 Permalink

    Hates baseball? Ha Ha Ha,
    How about Old Glory, mom, and apple pie?

  11. Luether
    6:46 pm June 8, 2017 Permalink

    Stay classy, Drew…

  12. satcheluk
    9:33 am June 9, 2017 Permalink

    There is so much going on here, it is hard to know where to begin.