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Kentucky Teachers Forced To Purchase Their Own Smelling Salts

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Kentucky Governor and lifeguard in training Matt Bevin gave in-state teachers fair warning about the upcoming school year’s budget concerns during a radio interview today. He showed up wearing red swimming trunks with a whistle around his neck and K-mart sunblock on his nose.

“We’ve got ourselves a real good news/bad news situation right now financially. The good news is I’m about to knock out all the teachers in the Commonwealth, just long enough to solve all the problems they got themselves into. The bad news is they’ll have to wake themselves up after,” said the Governor in what sounded like a WWE promo for Summer Slam.

Then he called out Kentucky teachers for over an hour to meet him in the squared circle “if they dared”. He punctuated every other “dared” with a blow of his whistle. At one point it slipped through his sunblock-slick fingers and fell onto the floor next to his prepared talking points.

“I’m not perfect,” Bevin said. He spoke openly about how he had recently failed his first lifeguard certification exam at the Land Between The Lakes. He admitted his own shortcomings but was eager to blame his instructors and especially the fake victims he was tasked to save.

“Look, this situation is far from cut and dry. My shorts are still wet. I had some bad advice from some bad public beach lifeguards, and, honestly, I’ve only practiced saving dummies. I’m not used to drowning victims actually being able to swim a little.” Bevin blew his whistle again until the radio interviewer asked him to stop.

“You might think,” continued Bevin, “if you work with a drowning victim to bring them to shore it will be easier. But not in my experience. In my experience, I can only help you if you are a dummy. One without their own thoughts or feelings or the ability to express oneself. Or swim. Turns out that actual humans don’t want to swim laughing all the way to the bank like I do.”

Bevin ended the interview segment with one final skipped rock of wisdom. “There’s only one way to drown, and that’s because you did it to yourself. It wasn’t an accident through no fault of your own. Unless you’re some kind of dummy.”
The Governor’s Office later noted that while Bevin can use state funds to knock out the teachers, there isn’t enough in the budget to help the teachers regain consciousness so they’ll have to purchase their own smelling salts and any other supplies they might need to teach their students.

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Article written by Harold Leeder

12 Comments for Kentucky Teachers Forced To Purchase Their Own Smelling Salts

  1. ukisgr8
    7:19 am August 15, 2018 Permalink

    I realize its parody but given that $8,000+ a year per student isnt enough to buy a kids pencil, a teacher should pony up some dough. Albert einstein managed to thrive in a hut like school yet today we think a mansion is required for higher learning. Its where all the money goes and its hurting the morons we call kids today

    • katfan33
      8:16 am August 15, 2018 Permalink

      No, you’re just wrong!!

    • rartis1986
      8:40 am August 15, 2018 Permalink


    • bigbluebanana
      8:54 am August 15, 2018 Permalink

      You’re a moron. Not every kid is Einstein you dip, you’re certainly not.

    • Christians4Trump
      9:39 am August 15, 2018 Permalink

      i agree with every word u said ukisgr8,,,, kids are morons these days . now ill wait for the haters who think im a liberal troll to speak up in 3,2,1!!!

  2. ukisgr8
    9:48 am August 15, 2018 Permalink

    Wow, so my thinking that more money should be going towards books and things that helps one learn is more important than building thousands of taj mahals is extreme and wrong? Did you guys read my post or just stop at the sarcastic part about teachers buying their own smell salt, which was a joke

  3. ukisgr8
    9:55 am August 15, 2018 Permalink

    And banana, im certainly not Einstein but lucky enough to graduate from an old small school, graduate college, and enjoy the fruits of those efforts today. When you spend over $8,000 per student and most of it goes towards a loan from building a school to the point the school cant afford to give students pencils and paper, something is wrong. You’re also right that in todays society an einstein has zero chance of developing. Geez, never crossed my mind that promoting actual learning would be an extreme idea.

    • PantiesInABundle
      6:28 pm August 15, 2018 Permalink

      Schools are underperforming. I know! Let’s give them MORE money! That’ll fix it!

  4. Christians4Trump
    10:16 am August 15, 2018 Permalink

    schools today are just a safe heaven for liberal indoctorination ,,,,,kids these days they need to be tought vocational skills that they can actually use !!! and also to no what its likes to WORK hard for your money instead of giving it AWAY to any lazy free loaders who want to TAKE it !!!!

  5. ukisgr8
    11:08 am August 15, 2018 Permalink

    Sure am glad unions can longer steal money from employees, especially teachers. Spelling, history, english, science, all important subjects but frankly is great for trivia at a homeless shelter if one can’t turn it into a job.

  6. ukcats1776.90
    6:40 pm August 15, 2018 Permalink

    I dont understand why matt Bevin is trying to prevent kentuckian taxpayers from having $60 bmillion in unfunded liabilities. he should just do what democrats do and ignore the problem.

    ksr is a bunch of stupid journalists who dont understand economics