Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.
Kentucky Governor and lifeguard in training Matt Bevin gave in-state teachers fair warning about the upcoming school year’s budget concerns during a radio interview today. He showed up wearing red swimming trunks with a whistle around his neck and K-mart sunblock on his nose.
“We’ve got ourselves a real good news/bad news situation right now financially. The good news is I’m about to knock out all the teachers in the Commonwealth, just long enough to solve all the problems they got themselves into. The bad news is they’ll have to wake themselves up after,” said the Governor in what sounded like a WWE promo for Summer Slam.
Then he called out Kentucky teachers for over an hour to meet him in the squared circle “if they dared”. He punctuated every other “dared” with a blow of his whistle. At one point it slipped through his sunblock-slick fingers and fell onto the floor next to his prepared talking points.
“I’m not perfect,” Bevin said. He spoke openly about how he had recently failed his first lifeguard certification exam at the Land Between The Lakes. He admitted his own shortcomings but was eager to blame his instructors and especially the fake victims he was tasked to save.
“Look, this situation is far from cut and dry. My shorts are still wet. I had some bad advice from some bad public beach lifeguards, and, honestly, I’ve only practiced saving dummies. I’m not used to drowning victims actually being able to swim a little.” Bevin blew his whistle again until the radio interviewer asked him to stop.
“You might think,” continued Bevin, “if you work with a drowning victim to bring them to shore it will be easier. But not in my experience. In my experience, I can only help you if you are a dummy. One without their own thoughts or feelings or the ability to express oneself. Or swim. Turns out that actual humans don’t want to swim laughing all the way to the bank like I do.”
Bevin ended the interview segment with one final skipped rock of wisdom. “There’s only one way to drown, and that’s because you did it to yourself. It wasn’t an accident through no fault of your own. Unless you’re some kind of dummy.”
The Governor’s Office later noted that while Bevin can use state funds to knock out the teachers, there isn’t enough in the budget to help the teachers regain consciousness so they’ll have to purchase their own smelling salts and any other supplies they might need to teach their students.