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If Matt Jones runs for Congress…

matt-congress

By now you know our own Matt Jones is considering a run for Congress. Betcha didn’t see that one coming, huh? I was taken back when he told me months ago. I had no idea he ran at all.

Anyhow, Jones’ jump into politics is officially a thing that could happen, and it’s been the talk of the town since the Herald-Leader leaked the story Sunday evening.

We promised to keep it all sports (well, mostly sports) on the radio and around here, but I wouldn’t be KSR’s resident political reporter if I didn’t put my knowledge of American government, and my knowledge of Matt Jones, to good use. So allow me to break down what you can expect if he does indeed drop hooded sweatshirts and visors for wrinkled suits and, well, visors.

If Matt Jones ran for Congress…

 

KSR will be fine.

Let’s get that one out of the way. It’ll take more than a Congressman Jones to completely end all of KSR. Though he wouldn’t be on the show every day, the show will go on, as well as the website.

Now if someone were to dig up that old video tape from our trip to Canada, then we worry about the future of KSR. Until then, we’re all good. And I’m pretty sure we threw it in the Detroit River.

This will be his campaign sign:

jones-sign

Be sure to use promo code Jones when you vote.

(Signs courtesy of Vistaprint.)

If elected, he will leave empty McDonald’s cups and Skittles wrappers all over the House.

There may be 434 other representatives, but the big House will be no different than his own house.

Kentucky Joe will tell everyone he is the campaign manager.

In fact, Kentucky Joe is already telling everyone he is Matt’s campaign manager.

This Qdoba will see a spike in sales.

Screen Shot 2015-08-27 at 12.48.03 AM

No Roosters on The Hill, unfortunately for him.

Get ready for the BACK Act.

Jones’ Ban All Crying Kids Act will attempt to crack down on noisy children in restaurants, stores and airplanes. He will push for imprisonment without bail for anyone between the ages of two months and 12 years who are caught disturbing the peace.

It will be his first priority in office.

He will drop out of the race the moment someone hands him their baby.

That’s it. Gone. No questions asked.

Baby, he’s out. Deal breaker.

He will attempt to end every debate with, “I appreciate your call.”

He will begin every debate with, “Andy, I love you but…”

He will probably win.

Then we sit back with our popcorn and see what happens. I, for one, love the idea of him representing my district, so long as he promises to do so in the most ridiculous manner possible. I can’t wait to read “UK Fans of the Day Want Afternoon Legislation.”

 

But all this is hypothetical. He’s a long, long way from making a decision.

Article written by Drew Franklin

I can recite every line from Forrest Gump, blindfolded. Follow me on Twitter: @DrewFranklinKSR