Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.
Lay’s Chips, Cheetos, and Doritos, otherwise known in Tennessee as “the four food groups”, could start popping up in grocery stores with a very specific target audience: Tennessee Volunteer fans only.
Doritos parent company, and maker of the soda that waiters ask if it is an acceptable substitute for what you ordered, PepsiCo, has decided to start marketing unique products based on certain demographics. While the announcement of “Lady Doritos” yesterday was met with mixed reviews, the announcement of UT-Ritos was received with open arms by the Volunteer faithful.
“These unique Doritos will mainly feature the snack’s classic recipe, however, they will be dusted with a richer orange coloring and make an obnoxiously loud crunch for people who think their athletics department is far more important than it really is,” explained Tennessee Doritos PR director Yahoo Les Serious. “The chips will only be available in Knoxville during the basketball season despite the fact that the unique market of UT fans is, during this time of year, pretty small. We’re counting on the fact that during football season the chips will be available in a much larger area, annoyingly enough for some reaching parts of southern Kentucky.”
He continued, “The bags are sized to fit into the pouches of brightly covered overalls and can be eaten while consumers also ‘got a dip goin’. There are so few snacks available for fans to enjoy whilst having ‘a hog in dere’.”
Doritos scientists have labored long hours to create a chip dust that can match the “University’s” colors so that when fans inevitably rub that delicious Doritos dust on their Sunday best the stains will go unnoticed.
The news of the chip is the most exciting thing to happen to Knoxville since the announcement of the Museum of East Tennessee History. “Hopefully this will get more visitors to our city,” shouted Knoxville tourism director Phil Fulmer IV and author of Knoxville’s current tourism slogan, “You can stay here if Gatlinburg is full.”
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