Editor’s Note: The following was previously published on The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of Fake News You Can’t Count On.
The roar of cannon fire rang out across Kentuckiana early yesterday morning as the recently opened Ark Encounter fired a shot across the bow of the Horseshoe Casino riverboat in Southern Indiana. The gambling vessel returned fire with a barrage of empty oxygen tanks and discarded buffet plates, and before long, the two ships were engaged in a full-fledged naval battle.
Witness Uncle Terry described the mayhem that ensued.
“It was madness,” said Uncle Terry. “There I was blowing my kid’s college fund when all of a sudden, cannon shots started coming in two by two.”
The Ark’s artillery assault was led by Creation Museum founder and Brett Favre look-alike Ken Ham. Ham carried out the attack because he was tired of people sinfully throwing their money away at the casino, rendering them unable to afford the 40 Days and 40 Dollars it costs to tour his Ark.
Horseshoe Southern Indiana was captained by The Gambler himself, Kenny Rogers, who was in town to gamble some more on his face with a trip to the plastic surgeon.
The battle ended in a stalemate when The Horseshoe threatened to use its ace in the hole, a weapon of mass destruction, pocket rockets, resulting in the Ark Encounter’s exodus back to Williamstown.