Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.
Since earning the status of “War Criminal” because of Libya or something, presumptive Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton has noticed something isn’t quite right…with her back. Former Democratic National Convention chief Debbie Wasserman Schultz explained that it’s Clinton’s crooked back that’s been bothering her, and not her conscience with the allegations of voter fraud and general political corruption. Through all this, in-between allegedly murdering people and treating email like snapchat, Clinton has started suffering from several subluxations in her spine.
However, not just any chiropractor can fix how crooked Hillary has become. So Alison Lundergan Grimes has been tasked with finding not only the right chiropractor, but also the right appointment, because as a secretary, it’s kind of her job. Though Grimes, an avid Clinton supporter and currently the strongest voice of Kentucky’s Democratic Party, is happy to help the Clinton campaign in any way she can, she is forced to continue to remind the Clinton camp that she prefers the more progressive title Administrative Assistant of State.
Previously, Clinton was absolutely positive she had an appointment with one of the best chiropractors in Philadelphia Dr. Benjamen Ghazi, however both her reminder and confirmation emails got deleted somehow.
Until Clinton can get in to see the chiropractor, she’ll continue to be propped up by the backbones of Michelle Obama and Bernie Sanders. The two far cooler representatives of the party spoke last night leaving tonight’s schedule open for Bill Clinton to drop some smooth jazz and attempt to not make eye contact with the ladies from the “Mothers of the Movement” group slated to speak later tonight.
Ultimately the convention has started off with a party divided and even Clinton’s closest allies are beginning to admit that Clinton’s back is hard to have. However, while many at the convention are worried about having crooked Hillary’s back, everyone can agree that it’s not as awful as Donald Trump.