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Which NBA teams will win the sweepstakes?
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Only this man knows…

To say that a ping-pong ball is merely a ping-pong ball, well, that would be like saying Jenna Jameson is just a skank. No, the ping-pong ball is perhaps second only to the tennis ball in terms of functional flexibility (as long as grandmother’s keep putting tennis balls on the bottom of their walkers, redneck’s on their hitch’s, and Labradors continue to breed, number one it will stay). Use a ping-pong ball as a practice golf ball in the back yard; toss it into a half-full (house rule) solo cup of Natty Light and force fellow peers to chug until they lose control of their left eye and turn on “Don’t Stop Believing” before it’s “appropriate.” I even used ping-pong balls as planets for my re-creation of the Milky Way in the 4th grade science fair (white ribbon, thank you). Tonight, the ping-pong ball takes center stage, as the ping-pong ball, and only the ping-pong ball, shall decide the fate of a nation…ok, just the NBA. Yes, tonight is the NBA Draft Lottery, uh, Lottery Selection Thingy, which to absolutely nobody’s surprise will air on ESPN at 8:30 (I’m actually amazed that ESPN hasn’t had a week of pre-NBA Draft Lottery Selections shows to submerge us in the same publicity stink we’re given the whole 60 days leading up to the NFL Draft).

The Lottery Selection is always an important but anxious event for the NBA’s bottom feeders, as the cruel randomness of the ping-pong ball can doom many a franchise. After all, could you imagine missing out on Michael Olowokandi or Kwame Brown just because the ping-pong ball says so? It’s a pitiless fate, but the ping-pong ball never lies. Rick Pitino’s failure with the Boston Celtics simply traced back to one thing: they lost the Lottery, and with it, Tim Duncan…thus, Pitinio now resides in Louisville. This year however, is certainly the most important Lottery since Duncan, and perhaps ever. Two men, Greg Oden and Kevin Durant–two transcending talents poised for enduring, flourishing years in the NBA. If anyone was around a television this winter, you saw that Oden and Durant are more than just uber-athletic spectacles like Tyrus Thomas, or Shagari Alleyne. Uh-uh, these are two unbelievably skilled basketball players who both seem to have a solid head on their shoulders, and could certainly change the face of a franchise overnight, ala Duncan.

Since my NBA loyalties are unabashedly bandwagoned, I really don’t care which two teams win the “we’re going to be good again, you’ll see” sweepstakes, but my guess is Oden goes 1 and Durant 2…but it’s like they say in beer pong: either way, you’re going to get drunk, and the ping-pong ball never lies.

*Oh, and in case you missed this about ESPN trying to bribe Patrick Patterson…

Article written by John Dubya

The Twitter: @Johnawilk