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University of Kentucky Basketball, Football, and Recruiting news brought to you in the most ridiculous manner possible.

The Scarlet Letter (in Ye Olde English)

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The guy sat in his car in the parking lot for 45 minutes, angry he’d promised himself into this and horrified at the thought of it. He wondered if he drove off and never spoke of it if it’d just go away. But he’d tried that one before and knew better. So he pulled up his pants, puffed out his chest and made a move.

The guy walks into the tattoo parlor. “You the shopkeep?” he asks a dark beard with what he assumed to be a person buried somewhere underneath.

“You the customer?” he pans.  They share a smirk. He’s more confident and comfortable than he imagined. He was very comfortable, actually.

He’s eating an apple. Tough guys always looked impossibly cool eating apples in movies. Then he sheds his blazer, tosses it towards some chairs. It misses and falls awkwardly to the floor. It was a minor blow to his confidence and a missed opportunity for style points. The Fonz would’ve landed his jacket just right. He doesn’t pick it up.

And he has to be cool. He can’t be the tourist in a fanny pack with a fold up map in this joint. It’d eat him alive.

So in a flick of improv he incredible hulks his buttondown. Or tries to. About 2-3 buttons from the midsection scatter but the top and bottom buttons hold strong. The whole point of this production was to illustrate for the shopkeep that he wouldn’t need his hand held, that this old dog still has bite. But the shopkeep had turned away right before and missed it. Now he was looking at an old man with half his buttons ripped off wearing the look of a puppy with brand new shoe on its breath.

The shopkeep broke the silence. “I’ve been waiting for you.”

“How long?”

“Soon as you made that promise, Coach. And I also saw you pull in about 45 minutes ago.”

“I’ve got a picture.”

“Where’s she goin?”

“Hell, I don’t know…leg?” He lifts up his slacks to present his calf.

“Leg?”

“Leg no good?”

“Nah, I mean it’s fine…just…”

“What?”

“Not sure I can even fit this on your leg. What are those, PVC pipes?”

“Well you tell me then, you’re the expert.”

“I need a canvas, space to roam.”

“Chest?”

“Nah. You’ll look like an old washed up skinhead or something.”

“Back?”

“Bingo. Top or bottom?”

“Top. Jesus, what do I look like?”

“You remember the Simpsons episode where Mr. Burns jumps outta that birthday cake naked…no, of course you don’t, nevermind. Let’s have a seat and we’ll get started.”

“Aren’t you supposed to ask if I’m sure, you know, really want to do this?”

“Not if you’re paying.”

“touche.”

Then it hit him, the russdiculousness of it all– the blood, the ink, the no going back. How will this play on the recruiting trail? Will this be the lead on his page in history?

“No. No, no, no. I’m not gonna do this. Jesus. I’m a Hall of Famer for chrissakes.”

“Promise is a promise coach. are you hashtag L1C4, or are you hashtag L1-a-r…if you can imagine the ‘1’ as an ‘I’ it has more resonance.”

“Yeah I got it. It’s terrible…but you’re right. How can I expect commitment from my players if I don’t follow through on my word?”

“Can’t.”

“But this isn’t me. I go to the Hamptons. I have a chef. I own a Derby horse. I’m in the Hall of Fame! I’ll be a laughing stock!”

“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

“You really play ball don’t you, shopkeep?”

“Just call em as I see em.”

“Look, I know the answer, but this going to hurt?”

“Like a sumbitch of fire.”

It did hurt…for a few minutes anyway, then it just went numb. He mumbled a few words but wasn’t interested in talking. And then it was done. Forever.

“Thanks shopkeep.”

My pleasure, coach.”

“You want me to put you on the wall?”

He looked up at the collage of satisfied customers displaying their new skin like proud serpents. He certainly didn’t belong with these people.

“Sure.”

“Great. Oh, and coach?”

“Yeah?”

“Go big blue.” pitino-tattoo

Article written by John Dubya

The Twitter: @Johnawilk

22 Comments for The Scarlet Letter (in Ye Olde English)



  1. Memphis Raines
    8:05 pm April 29, 2013 Permalink

    well done Intern.. well done



  2. Lil c
    8:09 pm April 29, 2013 Permalink

    I swear, this site and every writer on it is COMPLETELY OBSESSED AND CONSUMED with Rick Pitino. I come here to read and stay updated on my Cats, but 60% of the post on here are for or Cards!!! Pathetic!! The K in KSR must stand for the entire state of Kentucky, especially the Cards….. Because is sure doesn’t just stand for the Kentucky Wildcats!!!



  3. Stan
    8:09 pm April 29, 2013 Permalink

    I wish that Louisville hadn’t won the national title.



  4. Fake Nate
    8:11 pm April 29, 2013 Permalink

    I really wish he would have misspelled “champions.”

    Champons.
    Campions.
    Hampions.
    Chimpions.



  5. GoCats2
    8:11 pm April 29, 2013 Permalink

    When he looks back on his life at the mistakes he made and what he regrets most this will surpass everything…
    1)UL tatoo
    2)leaving Kentucky
    3)Karen Sypher



  6. GoCats2
    8:18 pm April 29, 2013 Permalink

    #2 not buying it. You must be a UL fan if this bothers you. Bottom line, stories about UL generate hits and that is what the website is basically here for, to generate hits for the advertisers.
    There are enough posts on here daily that it should be no problem for you to skip UL stories and read the other ones. It is a free site if you dont like what the post is about, dont read it.



  7. Trey
    8:18 pm April 29, 2013 Permalink

    Awesome! So much better than any of the UK-related creative writing on Card Chronicle.



  8. Lil c
    8:28 pm April 29, 2013 Permalink

    # 6. Wrong! I’ve followed the Cats and have been a diehard big blue fan since 78′,! It just makes me sick how much this site post about this scumbag, piece of garbage. Pitino doesn’t deserve this much attention, good or bad! He’s mentioned on here EVERY day! I can’t stand Rick Pitino, and I think his name should be removed from the rafters of Rupp! You want to post about Rick? Do something constructive and start a poll, or an petition to get his name removed from Rupp!



  9. Rae
    8:46 pm April 29, 2013 Permalink

    4. Champons is my favorite.



  10. Drew Franklin
    8:51 pm April 29, 2013 Permalink

    2./8. — It’s pretty easy to scroll past what you don’t want to read.



  11. Red Rooster
    9:06 pm April 29, 2013 Permalink

    Man, that was a long walk…



  12. Wild Blue
    9:08 pm April 29, 2013 Permalink

    Lil c…you are absolutely right. I’ve been saying the same thing about Pitino for months and it falls on deaf ears. I can not believe that pathetic scumbags banner hangs in our sacred temple of basketball.



  13. THIRTY DAYS OF CARDS!!!!
    9:29 pm April 29, 2013 Permalink

    REALLY?!?!? THIRTY STRAIGHT DAYS OF ARTICLES ABOUT THE NATIONAL CHAMPION CARDINALS????? CHANGE THE CALL LETTERS TO “LSR”STARTING TOMORROW! . . .#OBSSESSEDWITHCARDINALENVY



  14. Catlogic15
    9:32 pm April 29, 2013 Permalink

    Jones ain’t stupid. Getting UL hits to launch UL version of KSR (under different model) because Fat Howie too stupid to do it.

    If he doesn’t, I will!!

    Money waiting to be made.



  15. theSkinny81
    9:33 pm April 29, 2013 Permalink

    13 – Haha… LSR looks like “loser”.



  16. cat lover
    9:33 pm April 29, 2013 Permalink

    This is getting sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo old, does the dirtybirds have to be shoved down our throats ? Please give us a break,I’m serious. ENOUGH>>>>>>>>>>>>>>



  17. Catlogic15
    9:42 pm April 29, 2013 Permalink

    Me #14 . Just sayin. You wait. It will happen.



  18. Michael
    9:43 pm April 29, 2013 Permalink

    Some people must have rubber bands on their nut sacks. I thought it was amusing.



  19. Bulldawg
    9:58 pm April 29, 2013 Permalink

    I thought this was pretty crafty. The Scarlet letter fits. ha ha. Some UK fans are very sore losers. Look, UK didn’t win it all this year, but they won it last year and WILLwin it next year.This site cut it’s teethon making fun of loserville and Pricktino. You may of followed the Cat since 78 but itis obvious you have not followed KSR very long. Let me make a suggestion, instead of coming on KSR and being a whiner,go check out Kentucky.com. Jery Tipton might just be your cup of tea. I am pretty sure you won’t see anythinglike this on their website. I will also add, that is exactly why this site pretty much dominates that one.I bet you are one of the peple that gets mad if someone stands up and cheers for the Cats at Rupp Arena because you want things your way and to hell with everyone else. Well I say, Tipton is waiting wih open arms bro I am sure he would appreciate you commenting on his articles. c-ya lil c. GO CATS!!!!! GO KSR!!!!!!



  20. Eric
    10:05 pm April 29, 2013 Permalink

    Very funny post, thought all today was going to be was a bunch of preseason rankings. Was hilarious, and I didn’t even know what it was about till russdiculous. Thanks, please give us more 🙂



  21. Lil c
    10:48 pm April 29, 2013 Permalink

    Sry Bulldawg, but i’m not going anywhere!! I’ve followed Matt Jones before KSR was even thought of, have you?! From the looks of some of the other post, i’m not the only one that’s sick and tired of seeing Pitino’s name brought up in every article. I was only 5 yrs old in 78′, I barely remember the Cats then, but i’ve always bleed blue and represented BBN with class wherever I go! I love KSR, but I can’t stand Pitino. Just my opinion. #BBN4EVER



  22. TC
    8:45 am April 30, 2013 Permalink

    Very entertaining, JDubya! Thanks for a chuckle to start my morning here in middle TN. Some of the commenters here should lighten up and laugh–it will do wonders for them.