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University of Kentucky Basketball, Football, and Recruiting news brought to you in the most ridiculous manner possible.

The Jimmy


The man sat cross legged on the floor of an empty room, across from a giant mirror reflecting his tired but assured face. He breathed in deeply. Not much time left. He’s here to gameplan for the season ahead. A whole new year, a whole new set of expectations. He exhaled. Time to get to work.

He flipped on his voice recorder, closed his eyes and began to speak.

“This is Jimmy Dykes, 25th of July, 2013. Fayetteville, Arkansas, and this is the first recording session of my hot fresh phrases for the new season…this thing on? Alrighty, Jimmy’s Jargon, take 1.”

“Pop the hood,” he whispered. “Pop the HOOD.” His speech got louder and his annunciations stronger.  POP, the Hood.”

“Jimmy’s Jeans. Jimmy’s Jeans. He’s playing defense like he’s wearing Jimmy’s Jeans…hm, let’s come back to this one.”

“Cut n’ paste. Look how he moves without the ball, Brad. Cut n’ paste. Cut n’ paste. Hot dog, that’s a keeper.”

With that, he moved from his yoga position and into a catcher’s squat as he continued to pick up his pace.

“They call him the janitor…they call him the janiTOR, cause he’s got all the keys to victory…” He looked at himself in the mirror with a sly smile. “Ok, ok, we’re rollin now.”

“Take the ferry. Pay the toll, take the ferry. Danny Ferry….no.”

“Three…for three. Threes company…the bell tolls for three!”

Just like that, he leaped up on his feet, bobbing his head like he was an MC in a studio laying down a flow. Come to think of it, he was.

“Jimmy’s…jockstrap. Jimmy’s Jammies. Snap into a slim Jim. Jimmy’s Jeep. JIMMY’S JEEP! Beep, beep, who got the keys to Jimmy’s Jeep? Aw, son.”

“They call this kid Jimmy Johns, cause he’s so fast you’ll freak…actually, I’m gonna keep that one just for myself.”

His feet now joined his head in motion and he slipped on an air guitar and began to jam.

“Jumpin Jack Flash, what a pass, pass, pass.” He pretended to throw a guitar pick into the crowd, then fired off a few Pete Townsend around the world strokes. “Slip out the back-door…call a new play, Jay. Must be, 50 ways to leave your defender.”

“They run a Rice Krispy offense, Brad. Snap the pass to the weakside, Crackle down on the screen and Pop out for the jumper. Mercy that’s brilliant. Just add milk. Is that racist?”

“Change the diaper. Eat the food, change the diaper. Dirty diapers. Ok, not sure where I’m going with this…”

The sudden sound of a ringing phone caught his attention and he put his concert on hold. Jimmy’s Jargon take 1 was in the books.

Article written by John Dubya

The Twitter: @Johnawilk

33 Comments for The Jimmy

  1. Doc
    9:31 pm July 25, 2013 Permalink

    I’m not entirely sure this is fiction….

  2. Msmold
    9:37 pm July 25, 2013 Permalink

    Now that is a brilliant post. You sir, have guarded your yard!

  3. Guess who's back
    9:37 pm July 25, 2013 Permalink

    The newly born King George!!

  4. Fake Jimmy Dykes lives
    9:44 pm July 25, 2013 Permalink

    Obama has the NSA tapping everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How did this get out? Who has the video? I’m not sure how they knew what I was actually doing. I understand that they can tap my recording devices but this was not on video. How did they know I was in the catchers position?

  5. BluKudzu
    9:45 pm July 25, 2013 Permalink

    Dude’s got it going on. Incredible piece. Onward my man.

  6. wardrobe malfunction
    9:47 pm July 25, 2013 Permalink

    1. me either. sounds just like what he would come up with. I rather listen to anyone call a game besides him. I have been known to mute the tv and turn the radio on when he’s callin a game. Timings a little off usually but it’s a small price to pay to be Dykeless.

  7. Lol
    9:48 pm July 25, 2013 Permalink

    Jimmy cracks corn and he dont care. Funny post lol

  8. paintsville'sdairyqueen
    9:50 pm July 25, 2013 Permalink

    Well done W. In my imgination there is a giant phat head of Tom Creen behind him.

  9. Ibleedblue
    9:55 pm July 25, 2013 Permalink


  10. silverado
    10:08 pm July 25, 2013 Permalink

    If more amusing, I wouldn’t have noticed: it’s spelled Townshend and it’s not “around the world” – it’s windmilling.

  11. Bilhelm
    10:12 pm July 25, 2013 Permalink

    Takes me back to old school ksr right here…. Well done and keep it up!

  12. Travis
    10:15 pm July 25, 2013 Permalink

    Great post!

  13. BigJohn
    10:34 pm July 25, 2013 Permalink

    Awesome post. Really “drove the nail” with this one. Tomlin has competition!

  14. Don't hate
    10:48 pm July 25, 2013 Permalink

    While I might find Jimmy annoying as the next guy, I’m happy that he makes more than all of ksr’s employees combined. He has a pretty impressive resume’, as you guys do not…. Don’t hate

  15. Don't hate
    10:53 pm July 25, 2013 Permalink

    Btw, Jimmy makes more than all the commentor’ s salaries combined as well. Jelly? Me too…

  16. L1C4 is lame
    10:55 pm July 25, 2013 Permalink

    That dude got a screw loose.

  17. Don't hate
    11:02 pm July 25, 2013 Permalink

    Capitalism… Jimmy just bought your whole neighborhood, and you’re still hating. Work harder

  18. jpizzle
    11:02 pm July 25, 2013 Permalink

    Well played

  19. Icecream Man
    1:03 am July 26, 2013 Permalink

    Now that was hilarious. You gotta get Jimmy video taped or called in reading it.

  20. Linda Taylor
    1:05 am July 26, 2013 Permalink

    Was this supposed to be funny? I find it quite offensive. Matt why have you let this site go to hell?

  21. Kevin C.
    2:01 am July 26, 2013 Permalink

    I guess I’m not in love with JD anymore than most people…he certainly gets annoying at times. But anyone who thinks guys like Jimmy D, Dickie V, Clark Kellogg, Chris Berman….and any other TV and/or radio personalities you can think of…DON’T do this, is an idiot. They most certainly do…every single one of them…and it’s no different from a comedian working on new material, in front of a mirror.

  22. comeonnow
    2:41 am July 26, 2013 Permalink

    I just want to say….brilliant!

  23. Big Cat Daddy
    3:50 am July 26, 2013 Permalink

    LOL BRILLIANT!!! I will give odds that he uses snap, crackle, and pop this year during a UK game as a shout out. BRILLIANT

  24. Musehobo
    8:30 am July 26, 2013 Permalink

    KSR gold. In my opinion, one of the funniest KSR articles I’ve ever read. I won’t forget this one. Gonna share it on Facebook.

    And for the people ragging on Dubya (looking at you “offensive” and “hell” in the same sentence), lighten up. I love Dykes. He’s a good announcer and a great guy. But the dude does use a lot of buzz words. I bet he’d like this post. Lighten up.

  25. jaxcats8503
    8:38 am July 26, 2013 Permalink

    Pure gold

  26. gulfbreezecatfan
    9:31 am July 26, 2013 Permalink

    Great post Dubya ! Keep on rollin’ .

  27. youknow
    9:47 am July 26, 2013 Permalink

    Nice, you just drove that right past the nail!

  28. JGC
    10:18 am July 26, 2013 Permalink

    I had no idea what to expect, and I almost skipped this post. So glad I didn’t.

    This is art.

  29. That was weird…and funny at the same time!

  30. Jen
    10:49 am July 26, 2013 Permalink

    After years of half-assed mediocrity described as “ridiculous,” which people plow through in case there might be recruiting news, this is the first actually funny post in this site’s history.

  31. Free Bradley Manning
    10:56 am July 26, 2013 Permalink

    When Dykes first became prominent he’d create a sense of unease with me as I heard the mantra-like repetition, making me feel that I knew nothing about basketball since I had theretofore failed to grasp that apparently the entire game hinges on whether or not one is making violent cuts and guarding one’s yard.

  32. Chuck
    2:29 pm July 26, 2013 Permalink

    do you all know what Jimmy and a bunch of lesbians have in common?
    Either way you have dykes

  33. CATFAN8
    6:17 pm July 26, 2013 Permalink

    This is pure brilliance. Beautiful.