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University of Kentucky Basketball, Football, and Recruiting news brought to you in the most ridiculous manner possible.

The Jimmy, part II


(Bristol, CT, ESPN HQ. In a large corner office sits The Suit, and The Man)

Suit: I’ve been listening to the tapes you sent in…good stuff as usual, Jimmy. Classic Dykes. I really think we can get some mileage out of Jimmy’s Jeep. I just hope you save me a seat!

JD: The Jeep is for bubble teams, not executives, hombre.

Right, anyway, the higher ups, they want you to go balls out this season. See, we all know Dickie V is on the back 9—hell, the 18th green, and that’s gonna be a pretty cushy seat we’ll need to fill…if you know what I’m sayin. Now, you don’t need any lessons—you’re a pro—your schtick, I don’t know why but the numbers love you. Your jargon, it’s hot! So let it all hang out this year, Jimbo. Let her rip. We’ll hav–”

Pop the zit.


That defender, he’s a reeeeal zit. You gotta pick, and then you gotta pop that sucker. Pop that zit, amen.

Hm. As unsettling a visual as that is, by god it’s catchy. And relatable–we all have our zits, after all. You’re on fire, Jimmy, on fire!

Nessler lays the tracks while I pay the tax.

(He jumps up, kicks his chair across the room, pulls a pair of shades from his coat pocket and puts them on)

Sauté the filet. I said, SAUTÉ. THE. FILET. Oscar’s style. Stir those grits partner, stir em up, nice and creamy like. Yeah, we’re cookin with Jimmy now.

He put that kid on the paleo diet with that dunk Brad, served him a face full of meat and nuts.

Jiggle the handle. The door to the rim ain’t always gonna open up easy, sometimes you gotta jiggle the handle.

Free your mind, and the rest will follow.

That’s En Vogue.

Sure is Jack, sure as heck is.

Cut the grass. Build a fence. Command your land.

That’s the ol’ fake, shake and pattycake, right there.

(The door opens and in walks another suit. He points at his watch but is quickly waived off. The Man doesn’t even flinch)

Dog biscuits. I don’t know where to put this yet, but give this dog some biscuits.

Right now this team’s a tuna fish without a salad, and that’s a recipe for the NIT.

You want a seat in Jimmy’s Jeep? Just remember to put your seatbelt on or that thing’s gonna beep for 5 minutes, and don’t lose at home.

This kid is a real sweater vest. Classy AND sleeveless. Didn’t even plan that one, just came out.

This team’s like a continental breakfast, they’re always around but never that go–“

Jimmy, I’m hungry. There’s a Red Robin down the street… (leans in and whispers) they actually let you eat all the fries you want. Let’s call it a day, eat some fries and harrass a waitress. We’ll resume this discussion soon, but in the meantime, remember what I said, and keep on firing that red hot jargon.


Article written by John Dubya

The Twitter: @Johnawilk

20 Comments for The Jimmy, part II

  1. DeeBee
    9:50 pm September 19, 2013 Permalink

    Hilarious. I laughed out loud thrice.

  2. johnboy not billy
    10:41 pm September 19, 2013 Permalink

    stupid shit – but what else from KSR

  3. Cool Daddy
    10:57 pm September 19, 2013 Permalink

    This post is just nonsense.

  4. Smokeness
    11:03 pm September 19, 2013 Permalink

    A third of this site has become obnoxious advertisements and directionless posts like like this one are going to make me leave. I have a limited amount of time to see whats up with UK and this website has become a bit of a headache. I am a long time fan if I am considering going elsewhere then lots of people probably are. Matt– tighten this place up my friend.

  5. Go away Smokeness
    11:41 pm September 19, 2013 Permalink

    Smokeness, this is vintage 2007 KSR! If you don’t like this post, then you don’t like the real KSR. Why don’t you mosey on over to Vaught’s Views if all you want is a constant stream of bland minutia about UK. It sounds like “the most ridiculous manner possible” is too much for you.

  6. Go away Smokeness
    11:46 pm September 19, 2013 Permalink

    Here’s a good test for you:
    Check this post out; if you don’t enjoy it, don’t waste any more time on here.

  7. realme
    12:03 am September 20, 2013 Permalink

    So. Awesome. I’m going to google part one now.

  8. Classic KSR
    12:15 am September 20, 2013 Permalink

    Here is another KSR litmus test for you:’m-premature-i-just-call-it-ecstasy/
    If you have a comment about this being a “family site” or that it was a “directionless post” after reading it, then this site is not for you. Better yet, just go read a few from this link:
    It is quintessential KSR.

  9. Blue Jesus
    12:17 am September 20, 2013 Permalink

    KSR, it has been a solid day. First, CM Tomlin delivering with his Korem parody, then we got the fastest man in the world, and now this. Well done.

  10. dave
    6:26 am September 20, 2013 Permalink

    Come on Jimmie tell us again about that nail at the free throw line.

  11. Musehobo
    8:49 am September 20, 2013 Permalink

    My God you people are dull. This is classic KSR gold. Hilarious. You either A) have no idea who Jimmy Dykes is, or B) have no sense of humor. This is what the site needs more of, but you people complain about everything that is posted. I mean have you ever read anything besides ESPN sports articles? Meshing creative, humorous writing with sports is what made this site popular.

    Ignore them Dubya. Bravo.

  12. bigbluejon
    9:54 am September 20, 2013 Permalink

    Paleo diet line was awesome!

  13. corey
    10:03 am September 20, 2013 Permalink

    Ignore the negative comments…this is funny! Good job. Good effort.

  14. MustacheMan
    10:41 am September 20, 2013 Permalink

    This is dumb, just like the fake Jerry Tipton stuff. Just really not funny.

  15. theWilkman
    10:46 am September 20, 2013 Permalink

    I love old-school KSR, particularly anything Tomlin or Turkey Hunter, but this is just bad.

  16. BleedingBlue
    1:10 pm September 20, 2013 Permalink

    “He put that kid on the paleo diet with that dunk Brad, served him a face full of meat and nuts.”

    This is awesome and hillarious! I have to find a way to work this into my comments while watching a game.

  17. Look out, Fireworks!
    1:32 pm September 20, 2013 Permalink

    I love how you idiots that get offended when people complain about a post always use the “most rediculous manner possible” defense. What you are missing is the rest of the statement, “UK basketball, football and recruiting NEWS brought to you in the most rediculous manner possible.” This post contains none of those things, so get off your high horse and allow other fans to express their opinions about a post. Just because someone disagrees with you does not mean they should be condemned to rot in the shallow depths of hell, as some of you would wish. We can appreciate humor, but this post, and many others like it, some people just don’t think are funny. And remember, before you start spouting off the “rediculous” defense, read the entire statement and decide if its actual news someone is commenting on.

  18. theSkinny81
    1:40 pm September 20, 2013 Permalink

    17 – You are ‘rediculous’.

  19. The chronic (what?!)-cles of Andre Riddick
    2:09 pm September 20, 2013 Permalink

    All it needs is “door flies open”…
    I liked it. But then again, I also enjoy things that are “ridiculous”…like…wait “ridiculous”…ugh…it’s too much work to defy autocorrect to make fun of that guy.

  20. UKryno50
    2:24 pm September 20, 2013 Permalink

    This was hilarious. Imagining Jimmy Dykes saying these on national TV even made it better!

    Reminds me of Kissing Suzy Kolber’s parody NFL posts (No. 19 is right – all it is missing is a “door flies open”… line).