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Signed, Sealed, Delivered

Whether Super Tuesday or National Signing Day, John Kerry’s name will not be called

Today, ladies and gentleman, is a day of magnitude. You thought Super Tuesday had implication? Hah! It wishes. For towns like Tuscaloosa, Gainesville, and Columbus, today is the most important non-Saturday on the calendar. National Signing Day. Twenty-four hours of teenaged self-importance, fitted hats, and dreams of both the realized and crushed variety. With each stroke of the pen the nation’s best prep football talent shape the lanscape of college football for the next few years. The rich will get richer and continue to corral more stars than rehab. Today, we’ll hear all about the replinished rosters of the nation’s elite, but what about the rest? What about the little guy? Is NSD only celebrated in Division I? Of course not. Although full athletic scholarships are not permitted in Division III, today is the day all enrollment fees are due, and the anticipation that follows is quite similar to its big brother. So in the spirit of David, here are some of this year’s major DIII signings.

Joe John Hagar, OL. 5’7″ 286
signed with: Woodstock College
What Joe John lacks in height, footwork, and grades, his compensation package includes: a girthy frame, fun-loving “drunk fat guy” qualities, and the high school record for most pancakes in a single serving.

Lyle Fleming, WR/K/KR/LS 6’1″ 153
signed with: University of Puget Sound
As seen above, Lyle will also run track for the Granolas. With 4.5 speed and Asics cleats, Lyle expects to utilize his talent in a variety of ways. Chose UPS over USPS (University of Saint Paul State).

Justin Holloway MLB 5’11” 210
Signed With: Kincaid College
Holloway originally visited the Kincaid campus as a guest of the IT department, but caught the attention of football coaches after bulling his way to the front of the cafeteria line. Wears his letter jacket to church, and models his game after Larry Izzo.
Stuart Yun, QB 5’10” 156
Signed with: La Jolla Community College
Huge get for LJCC. Yun comes in as the third leading prep passer in Arizona 2A last season, before a Guitar Hero mishap left him with a torn rotator cuff. His brother, Eddie, played squash at LJCC. Plans to major in “handsomeness.”

Article written by John Dubya

The Twitter: @Johnawilk