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University of Kentucky Basketball, Football, and Recruiting news brought to you in the most ridiculous manner possible.

SEC Slant

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With all the information that is soon to be cascading from this here webpage, I feel naturally obliged to keep you, blog patron, acquainted with what is really important in life…the pious doctrine of SEC football. Each Monday, I’ll present the pertinent news and summaries from the conference that footba…I mean, academics built (wink). And why is it apropros and why should you care, I ask myself? Great question. Kentucky has a shot this year, and it actually matters what’s happening around the league. No longer does news that Florida lost their tailback for a month mean we might have a shot at covering the 26 1/2 spread. Times have changed, and unless you want to be caught floating in some Big East-like purgatory, I suggest you file into the Church of Southeastern Conference Football, the Eminent Intern presiding (lo siento, no hablo espanol), and cleanse that Big Ten, ACC trash from your souls. As they say in Alabama…”Forgive us our encroachment, as we forgive those who line up in the neutral zone against us.”

A lot of news this week, so I’ll get to it…I hope you like police blotters:

South Carolina
Spurrier’s teeth have probably not left his bottom lip in days. That’s because oft-troubled starting QB Blake Mitchell is at it again. Mitchell was one of three players suspended for the Gamecocks opener agaisnt Louisiana-Lafayette for ditching one too many summer school classes. Come on dude, you’re not a “too cool for school” greaser with a Harley and a chip on your shoulder. You throw a football for the best QB coach in the land on a team capable of winning the conference. It’s amazing when you find out that some people really are that stupid. But Mitchell looks like St. Ignatius Loyola compared to starting safety Emanuel Cook. Cook was arrested and suspended from school after allegedly possessing a pistol at a campus dorm. Click-clack, indeed.

Arkansas
Starting DE Marcus Harrison liked to “roll” over offensive linemen, but apparently, it didn’t stop there. Harrison, a senior, was suspended indefinitely after police pulled him over and found an ecstasy pill and “marijuana cigars” in his possesion. Why can’t they just use the word “blunt” on a police report?

LSU
Highly regarded LB Derrick Odom III was suspended last week after apparently trying break into the apartment of a person he was believed to be in an argument with, likely scaring the living hell out of said person. After trying unsuccessfully to bust in, Odom reverted to beating the sh*t out of the individual’s car. Mmmm, roids are good, roids are gooooood.

Ole Miss
After pulling nearly every string to get JUCO All-American and ex-Vol Brent Schaffer on campus last fall in time to start at QB, head coach and part-time executioner Ed Orgeron has named Sr. Seth Adams as the starter for 2007. Schaeffer, who is blessed with blazing speed and cursed with zero accuracy or poise, was pretty disappointing last season and even volunteered to move to WR this year, all but admitting to his incompetence behind center. Adams was 17-31 last season, for 177 yards in relief work.

Alabama
All-conference CB Simeon Castille was booked early sunday for disorderly conduct in or around the Tuscaloosa “bar scene.” Head coach Nick Saban said he did not yet have “all the facts” and would handle it “internally,” meaning Castille will likely face the harsh reality of five gassers and 25 push-ups.

Vanderbilt
Busy studying.

Tennessee
RB LaMarkus Coker was reinstated by Fulmer this weekend, after his suspension for violating the team’s substance policy, which I guess requires them to be well-read and trustworthy? Coker will still miss the opener agaisnt Cal, however.

Florida
Rich getting richer. Former highly touted USC tailback Emmanuel Moody will transfer to Gainesville after drowning in the Trojans’ sea of talent this summer. Also, Saturday’s opener agaisnt Western Kentucky will be broadcast on Lincoln Financial at 12:30 ET.

Trivial nonsense:
Who is the SEC’s all-time leader in career all-purpose yards?

Article written by John Dubya

The Twitter: @Johnawilk