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Money, it’s a gas

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Lest we forget what college sports are really about, SI.com is reporting the SEC generated $122 million in shared revenue for the latest fiscal year. The bullion will be divided among all 12 schools, so about $10.17 million for each school. The shared revenue is mostly money earned through television and post-season events (basketball and football), such as the SEC Championship game in Atlanta, and the NCAA Tournament. Some interesting tidbits: The SEC Championship game generates more ($13.2 mil.) for the SEC than an entire season of broadcasted basketball ($12.3 mil.); and you thought it was a silly game. Anyway, I got to thinking, what should each school do with their mini-fortune? Funny I should ask…

Ole Miss–With one of the brightest young coaches in the nation in Andy Kennedy, the Rebs are still trudging in darkness. They did, however, prove they were going to be a force to be reckoned with in the SEC West for years to come and With a football program struggling to stay afloat in the talent rich waters of the SEC, I’d suggest allotting most of the bounty to the hardwood…and a good start would be lights, as in having some, in the gym. Have you ever watched a game there? They might as well be playing in Mammoth Cave. North Korea has brighter gyms, even after 6’o clock. It’s always been my belief that basketball is a better game when you can see, so why not go ahead and make the purchase?

Alabama–The Tide turned heads and created a stir when they lured Nick Saban away from the NFL—with all the tea in China, or sweet tea in Bama—to come rebuild a team that went 10-2 two seasons ago. What a tremendous opportunity to sprinkle a little additional funding towards the always under furnished but generally competitive basketball team. There will be plenty left over of course for King Football, perhaps they can install some…oh, who am I kidding, they’re going to give it all to Saban.

South Carolina–Resist the urge to buy the Ol’ Ball Coach a lifetime supply of visors and collagen injections for the lower lip he’s all but gnawed off over the years. That arrogant a-hole plays his weekend 36 at Augusta National, he needs nothing more. I shutter to think about what the snarky Dave Odom is capable of with all of that change. I think it’s pretty clear what needs to be done here, and it involves one Steve Tannyhill and bronze statues. Your move.

Tennessee–This is going to be difficult. With Bruce Pearl’s gift of promotion, it’s hard to imagine that he couldn’t put a lot of this cash to good use. But let’s be honest, football is still the boss in Knoxville, so Fulmer and the gang should stand to get over half of this purse. Keep adding seats to Neyland or pay-off some of those nagging legal fees. Just be sure to keep Fulmer happy with some blue chip recruits and stacks of gift certificates to Sonny’s Bar-B-Q. Oh, and Jim Bob Cooter, he’s an assistant now, pay him…handsomely.

Georgia–With the recent death of the famed mascot UGA VI, common sense would say go out and buy another expensive pure-bred bulldog. Of course, you’ll have to pamper the football team, and what better way than seersucker football pants? Nothing says “fear this” like a starched pair of seersuckers. But I have a better idea: hire extras to sit in the stands at basketball games.

Auburn–Like Georgia, Auburn could certainly use a few more butts in the seats at their basketball games, but only over Tommy Tuberville’s dead body. So, kill him. Murder-for-hire. War mother f’n Eagle. Oh, and beat Bama.

LSU–What’s on the docket down on the Bayou? Well, like Georgia, LSU is experiencing some mascot trouble. Mike V, the, I guess “adorable” tiger and official mascot of the school, died on the operating table last month due to kidney failure. Mike V served 17 valiant years at his post, and just recently, was upgraded to a brand new $3 million habitat on campus. After the purchase of a new tiger from the Tiger Catalog or Ebay, there should still be plenty of money left to open a new college: The Shaquille O’Neal School for the Performing Arts, or The Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf College of American History.

Mississippi St.–Coincidentally enough, $10.17 million just happens to be the price tag of Starkville—the town and everything in it. Buy it, and rename it Pleasantville, just to see what kind of reaction it gets.

Vanderbilt–Vandy is in a unique position here as they do not have an athletic department. Thus, it is probably correct to assume that they will earmark a portion of this bonus for academics. Thus, it is probably correct to assume that they will continue to not win any conference championships.

Arkansas–Where to start? The absurd, mostly comical state of the Arkansas athletic department has been well chronicled of late, and where there’s a heaping dose of the bizarre, there’s a reality show. Use the cash to produce a show entitled “The Nutthouse,” where appropriately enough, Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie have complete control over the play calling for a game—preferably the game on Sept. 22 against UK.

Florida–I guess since the Gators are the main reason for the spike in revenue, they should do something really special with their cut. Sure, you could always hire a blockbuster name to run the twice defending champion basketball team, but just take Anthony Grant at the price of Heaven Hill rather than splurge on the Belvedere…you’re getting drunk either way. No, I would capitalize on this unprecedented run of athletic prowess and open up a University of Florida satellite campus in Columbus, OH. If you can’t beat em…

As for Kentucky, well, I’ll leave this one up to y’all…

Article written by John Dubya

The Twitter: @Johnawilk