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Mothers Earth, Henry, and Legion


In what has become a celebrated Earf Day tradition round these parts, I offer the exceedingly environmentally mindful practice of recycling old posts. Not only does it keep the milfy mother earth happy, but me as well, and that is what this day is really all about.

Speaking of mothers, it appears as though Mrs. Henry prefers to see her boys in Lawrence. This wouldn’t be the first time UK has been c-blocked by a pants wearing mama, as evidenced in this article from 2007. And it reads…

God seeks to separate himself from the Legion’s

LEXINGTON—His eleventh hour arrival at the University of Kentucky was a Godsend to Cats fans everywhere, and yet, Alex Legion’s abrupt departure from the team yesterday may also indeed be, a Godsend?

No, not that God…

The official word from the Legion camp suggests the young man was simply conflicted by head coach Billy Gillispie’s abrasive approach to basketball, however Annette Legion’s assertion of divine prophecy is leaving many to point, upward.

“He told me to get Alex out of that place immediately,” said Annette Legion, Alex’s mother, “and when the man upstairs tells you something, you do it.”

The man upstairs?

“Yes,” Ms. Legion explained, “God. The man upstairs, in the guest bedroom getting ready for dinner.” She, of course, went on, “My baby will not see his bright, lucrative future ruined at the hands of that serpent, Coach Gillispie, and his four letter words and four-minutes-per-game plan for my baby. So, he told me—us—to move on.”

“I never said that,” said God through a heaven-sent press release. “And this isn’t even an ‘it was taken out of context’ game of lip service I let people do from time to time to try and salvage their images; I mean I’ve literally never spoken to Ms. Legion in all my, well, eternity.”

We contacted (ahem), prayed to Heaven’s Customer Support to see if we could dig a little deeper into Ms. Legion’s apparently fictitious claim.

“According to HR, she isn’t, nor has ever been on the payroll,” said Saint Stephen, a spokesperson for The Kingdom. “This happens all the time. Apparently, many of you mortals get a kick out of bringing the boss into your lies. You wouldn’t believe how many phone calls we receive from employers following up on resumes.”

So, if Annette Legion is not really a prophet, or an authorized one anyway, why is she quoting Him?

“I don’t get it,” God continued in his statement. “I know you’re lying, and you know that I know you’re lying, so what’s the point?”

Although God was quick to refute any sort of metaphysical relationship with Ms. Legion, he steadfastly upheld his duty.

“Look, do I speak directly to certain people? Of course. Did I also create insanity and psychedelics? Of course. Who is my favorite band? The Calling…I’m just playing, it’s The Beach Boys.”

All of this false proclamation must take it’s toll on God, who made it evident that he’s growing weary of seeing his message parlayed into a negative.

“It’s certainly frustrating. I gave Alex that sweet jumper so he could one day get far enough away from his mother and be able to support himself. Looking through the archives though, it’s obvious that we installed a bit too much crazy in Ms. Legion. That’s a gross oversight, and we’re sorry for that. Someone’s probably gonna have to be fired. Forgiven, of course, then fired.”

“Look, I see this sort of thing 10, 20 million times a day. And, not to toot my own horn here, but I’m a pretty almighty force. Sometimes, sadly, I am no match against the power of greed. It’s more about profit then prophet.”

“Now, can we get a plus one in college football, or am I going to have to get all unrighteous on some clowns?”

Article written by John Dubya

The Twitter: @Johnawilk