KSR…Daddy Doug knockin’ again.
Long time no chill. That’s my fault, been pretty busy onmygrind# tryin to getthatpaper#.
I guess you could say my hianus from the blog here is due in large part to one bitch of a semester. It all started back at the beginning of February, back when it was like -40 degrees and I go outside to start the van and she’s having none of it. Get it towed to my buddy Squirrel’s shop and he delivers the news: blown camshaft. After we got done laughing it quickly set in that this would put me back a good bit. Now, Daddy Doug is doing just fine, I got what I need and get to where I’m goin and usually have enough to send down to the kids in Florida each month. But this was an unexpected blow and I knew I’d have to pick up some extra cash from somewhere so I answered an ad in the Kernel (that’s the student paper here on campus) looking for a few students to participate in some clinical trials. Now, I’ve done a lot of “clinical trials” on my own time over the years so the opportunity to earn up to $600 extra bucks a month for about 30 hours was a horse that this cowboy could ride.
Well I go in for an interview and I’m already nervous because I want to look the part without trying to look the part if that makes sense. Anyway, I answer some questions and talk to a few white coats and charm the pants off the whole room and they tell me to come in the next Monday morning and block off the rest of the day. Easy. Done.
Now, we’ve all seen in the movies when the evil doctors hook these volunteers up to a bunch of wires and shock the hell out of em just for fun, or make them drink poison then start sawing off body parts all in the name of science. It kept me up most of that Sunday night but I needed the van back because my girls were coming to stay with me for a week at the end of the month and I didn’t want to be dragging them to the busstop all hours of the day. So I put on my sack and walked in there with my head high ready to dominate these trials and leave them no choice but to bring me back for the next one.
Well there I am sitting in a cold, windowless room just like in the movies with 3 fellow classmates who all look like they’re one toke over the line, and I can sense that they’re all counting on me to be the strong leader here. So I volunteer to go first and now I’m sitting on a couch in some other windowless room but this one has a TV and a fridge. Hot damn, I’m home!
“OK Doug, we’re going to be testing the effects of certain formulas on various physiological systems in the human body.”
“Cool…there gonna be a happy ending?”
I thought it was a dynamite joke but the doc was stoic. “What I meant was, any side effects?”
“Well, we’ll see, won’t we?”
Aw hell, what was I doin here. Maybe I should go, I can–
“Please take the four pills in this cup and we’ll be broadcasting various images on the television. This monitor here will read your vitals, and we’ll be back in 3 hours to conclude the test, ok?”
I’d already scarfed those suckers down before he’d finished yapping and settled in for the long haul. The first thing that came up on the TV was one of those sad commercials with the starving dogs in the cages looking at you in the eyes asking if you’re man enough to save their lives. I love dogs so it was tough to watch but I soldiered through it. Then they turned up the heat. I recognized that sultry saxophone as soon as it came on: it was a scene from The Red Shoe Diaries. I sat up in my seat a little bit and looked over towards the window to see if they’d made a mistake but no one came in the room so I just stuck to the task and watched this passionate, fully clothed love affair goin down like it was ’93. And maybe I just got lost in the moment, maybe it was the pills they fed me but I lost myself for a minute and I guess at some point in the confusion managed to remove my pants. Look, I like a buzz as much as grandma but I don’t like not knowing what ride I’m on and I was on a helluva ride, let me tell ya. Next thing I know I’m running down a back stairway with my pants long gone and a grin on my face and make it outside–to freedom–and even though the drugs still have me wrapped in a psychedelic clutch it was no match for the arctic winds and I’m literally freezing my nuts off. So I’m running down the street looking for a place to get warm and collect my thoughts when I see a giant neon sun with the words “Sun Tan City” speaking to me like some biblical prophecy and all I can think about is how warm this City of the Sun Tan must be and decide that I will make this town my home.
I wasn’t in there long. By the time I got right I was sitting in jail booked on charges of indecent exposure, resisting arrest, a few more incidentals neither here nor there, needless to say I was in a jam.
After a few days and several meetings with my legal team, I was out on reduced charges with time served.
“Those doctors,” I explained to anyone who would listen, “they did this to me. They pumped we up with all sorta stuff, got me spinning off the grid.”
“Yeah, we checked into that…those were placebos.”
So I was counting on the Cats to pick me up this season and pull me through the deep freeze and well, I’m as frustrated and bewildered as you, BBN. Like my old JV coach used to tell us before, during and after every game, “Can ya shoot? Can ya pass? Can ya guard? No? Well then why in the hell are we here?”
We never had an answer for him, but I’m not sure he even wanted one. Course we’d all been in school 3, 4, some of us 5 years by then, so we were expected to show some sort of improvement and fortitude but we were usually stoned, so…
All that to say, Go Big Blue. It’s March. Slate’s clean. If you combined every minute these kids have played together with purpose this season it would almost equal a full game. March is madness, brother. You tell those analysts and dime store bracketologists to kiss your ass while you pencil Kentucky in all the way to that National Championship with confidence and swag#. And don’t worry about Daddy Doug. I’ll be fine. Lookin at a lot of community service and fines and what not, and this hasn’t helped me in divorce proceedings but I’m kin to some pretty powerful people around these parts and don’t mind if I do help myself to a little game of backroom power play.
I’ll leave on a high note. Got a little bored in jail and scribbled out a March Madness tournament bracket of some of my favorite things. I’ll let you decide who advances, all I ask is that you don’t jump to conclusions.
K! S! R! CATS CATS CATS.
Alright, that looked better in my head than it sounded just now, let’s table that one and come back to it another time.
These are Some of my Favorite Things
1. Miller High Life. because life is just one big banquet.
16. Gushers. Love these little flavor bombs, but overmatched here.
8. Darts. It’s called the sport of kings for a reason.
9. The Red Mile. What heaven looks like, for all your fellow believers.
5. ‘78 El Camino. Party in the front, payload in the back. Sex on wheels, boy.
12. Gravity. Not the movie the actual thing. What would the world be like without it? Chaos, man.
4. Cocoa Beach. Daytona gets the pub but this hidden gem has it all. A true Player’s Paradise with class.
13. Bassline on “Tom Sawyer.”
6. Ice. Keeps our beer cold and our nips hard. Sleeper.
11. Rodney Currington. Funniest dude alive. Realtalk#
3. Credit. When it’s good it’s great when it’s bad it ain’t that bad.
14. Hungry Man. Pro tip: keep it a little frozen in the middle. Thank me later.
7. mail order prescriptions. Convenience is key. Thank you Florida.
10. Makin’ things. By hand, that you can use.
2. Fire. So versatile, so hot.
15. Zoos. Just perfect in every way.