The year is 2022.
Facebook has gone offline and operates out of a singles bar in Fresno. Twitter is now owned by Google which is now owned by Wal-Mart which is owned by Tyler Perry. Brooklyn Hipsters have adopted donkeys as a primary mode of transport. It’s cheap, efficient, and vintage. P. Diddy returns to the rap game with the mega-hit, “I’ll Be Still Missin’ You,” and he won’t stop for he can’t. Thought you’d heard the last of Larry the Cable Guy? Welp, he’s back with the uproarious new tagline, “Eat-dem-beans.”
Finally fed up with ineffective partisan politics, We the People elect Biscuit, an 8 year old labrador and former Navy Seals operative from Wisconsin as POTUS. His approval rating is 78%. The economy is back baby, and so is the McRib. WE STILL HAVE PENNIES AND NO ONE KNOWS WHY. Sen. Matt Jones (D, KY) orchestrates a peace treaty between Israel and Palestine, only to reignite the fuse soon thereafter when he launches Jerusalem Hate Day. The Louisiana Bayou is now an adversarial autonomous state governed by the ruthless and cunning Duck Dynasty.
Dennis Rodman goes to Mars, and is reunited with his family. Kim Jong-un has taken a hiatus from his post and is touring the land promoting his new song and accompanying jig “Pyongyang Style” which is essentially a mash-up of the Macarena and Hokey Pokey and works audiences into a State-mandated frenzy.
Obesity is still an epidemic, but more cushion for the pushin’ (“eat-dem-beans”).
All of the Haydens, Jaydens, Caydens, Bellas, Ellas, and Stellas are grown up now and starting a new trend: naming babies after school supplies. Staypler, Crayon and Tablet currently top the list.
ESPN is running a promo for the newest 30 for 30: What if I told you a unibrow could unify a city?
Mike & Mike will have an update on Tebow, right after this…
The secada is back and louder than ever. No, not the insect, John Secada, on a comeback tour promoting his new album but sticking mostly to the classics. The Fast and the Furiously Fuel Efficient tops the box office for the 3rd week in a row, edging out the latest Vince Vaughn/Owen Wilson bromedy, Grumpy Old Motorboatin’ Men. Haley Joel Osment is still curiously MIA.
The NBA is 60% UK. The Spurs roster is unchanged. The NFL is two hand touch (BELOW THE WAIST, of course) and Wrigley Field has become a training facility for Los Zetas.
Mired in lawsuits and scandals, the NCAA folds in 2019. Division I athletics are now governed by the brusquely named American Sports Syndication (ASS).
Four National Championships in the books, Coach Cal rode off into the sunset in 2018 and is now a successful color analyst, consultant, co-host of the Coach Cal and Pitino Show, and Sci-Fi novelist with two bestsellers, You People Are Crazy and I Can’t Coach You But I Can Transport You To Another Universe.
Sober, contrite and now an aspiring country western singer/songwriter, Billy Gillispie returned to Rupp in 2021 as the ‘Y’, and met mostly with cheers by a forgiving if not sympathetic BBN. He then fell off the wagon and into the Merrick pool later in the evening.
Louisville fans have moved on from linebeards and are now trailblazing a new trend in manscaping, the fu-manhole. Meanwhile the Derby City itself is caught up in Louisville Lady Balls fever, defending WNBA champs. Karen Sypher, fresh out of the joint, opens a successful string of fast-casual restaurants called Table for Two.
As for KSR, I’ll keep within the spirit of the site and just say, stay tuned for big news on some exciting changes (and some special celebrity guests) coming to the blog very soon!