The shrinking student attendance issue has been a hot item around here in recent weeks and everybody’s weighing in—from the media, to the fans and of course the students themselves. But one particular demographic has been largely quiet, until now. I’m talking of course about the non-traditional student, or in this particular instance, the creepy old guy in one of your classes, Doug.
Sup KSR? This is Doug, fellow WildCard holder, separated father of two, blossoming philosopher/entrepreneur and all around easy goin’ dude. (I own a power washing service part-time so look me up on Bing if you got any stains—Doug’s Power Washing: “you buy the chemicals I bring the hose, or vice versa.” I also do internet digital marketing and plan to start my own digital enterprise soon as I get my MBA, just gotta get this bachelor’s out of the way first.) I was the original one-and-done. As in one semester—back in ’88 when livin’ was good and habits were bad. Let’s just say I got asked take a break from school for a while, get my mind right. Well life was cruisin’ along when I hit a little rough patch a couple years ago. Obama took my job away, the bank took my house and the wife took off with the kids to her sister’s place in Daytona for a while.
All that to say I’m back on campus crankin’ out my undergrad, workin’ hard playin’ hard, because it’s never too late to hit the reset button. Now, I’ve got freedom. I’ve got a soul patch in bloom. I’ve got a Plus Account. I’ve got the old van and an empty apartment to host study groups and parties and stuff. I just want to fit in and not be weird old guy that everyone thinks is a narc.
Anywho, this whole student attendance thing is a hot button around the quad these days so pardon me while I blow on it first…alright. So you got all these young perennials runnin’ around in yogi pants with their faces buried in their gadgets without a clue how easy they got it. Just look at some of the excuses being tossed around:
Hi-Def TV. Hey y’all, hop in my minivan and let’s take a ride while I tell you a little something about hi-definition. It’s called real life, right here in these eyes the Lord gave us and it looks better than anything you’ll see on your tablets. If we wanted to watch the Cats in hi-def back in ’88, hell we’d crank up some Mellencamp and burn a doob before going in.
No booze at the games. Kids, it’s called a flask. And I’ve always got some extra, just hop in the van.
Ticket lotto. Now Big Doug knows a thing or two about the lotto and here’s the bottom line: somebody’s gotta win, may as well be you. Back in ’88 we’d have to get in line at the ticket office first thing Monday morning. Tickets didn’t go on sale ’til Friday. Oh, what’s that? The seats aren’t primo? Well isn’t that just a tragedy, you poor poor victims of circumstance. Back in ’88 I had to watch the Indiana-Kentucky game in row UU with my boy Beans sitting on my shoulders. Now Beans was a big boy, gassy as all get-out and we got blown the hell out, but we were there, man. We were there.
The team’s not good enough. Hey y’all, this is Kentucky. You keep waiting for that good football team train to pull into the station…I’ll be in Commonwealth watchin’ college football with my hot dates, gettin’ frisky feelin’ tipsy and singin’ Mony Mony like there’s no tomorrow.
I hate to throw my classmates under the bus. You old hats, you have no idea what us college students nowadays are facin’. What with the excessive tuition hikes and mounting student debt, diminishing career opportunities, vegan diets and peanut allergies. It’s a bitch, man. Don’t get me wrong, there’s still plenty of Big Blue die-hards runnin’ around campus but the game’s done changed. We used to look at crammin’ into the nosebleeds at Rupp Arena as a privilege, not a hassle. Saturdays in the Fall were once a chance for students to escape the couch, maybe even burn it, not an invitation to stay in and sit on it snappin’ pictures of yourself.
My fellow students, as a grown ass man that’s seen some things, take this piece of advice from Uncle Doug: do everything. This is your chance. You’re in college and you’re expected to get out of line from time to time. You’re supposed to get out and try things, go places and do just about everything but sit around drinking and watching the TV. Trust me, you’ll have every day of the rest of your life for that.
With Big Blue Regards,