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Attendance Woes: non-traditional student perspective


The shrinking student attendance issue has been a hot item around here in recent weeks and everybody’s weighing in—from the media, to the fans and of course the students themselves. But one particular demographic has been largely quiet, until now. I’m talking of course about the non-traditional student, or in this particular instance, the creepy old guy in one of your classes, Doug.

Sup KSR? This is Doug, fellow WildCard holder, separated father of two, blossoming philosopher/entrepreneur and all around easy goin’ dude. (I own a power washing service part-time so look me up on Bing if you got any stains—Doug’s Power Washing: “you buy the chemicals I bring the hose, or vice versa.” I also do internet digital marketing and plan to start my own digital enterprise soon as I get my MBA, just gotta get this bachelor’s out of the way first.) I was the original one-and-done. As in one semester—back in ’88 when livin’ was good and habits were bad. Let’s just say I got asked take a break from school for a while, get my mind right. Well life was cruisin’ along when I hit a little rough patch a couple years ago. Obama took my job away, the bank took my house and the wife took off with the kids to her sister’s place in Daytona for a while.

All that to say I’m back on campus crankin’ out my undergrad, workin’ hard playin’ hard, because it’s never too late to hit the reset button. Now, I’ve got freedom. I’ve got a soul patch in bloom. I’ve got a Plus Account. I’ve got the old van and an empty apartment to host study groups and parties and stuff. I just want to fit in and not be weird old guy that everyone thinks is a narc.

Anywho, this whole student attendance thing is a hot button around the quad these days so pardon me while I blow on it first…alright. So you got all these young perennials runnin’ around in yogi pants with their faces buried in their gadgets without a clue how easy they got it. Just look at some of the excuses being tossed around:

Hi-Def TV. Hey y’all, hop in my minivan and let’s take a ride while I tell you a little something about hi-definition. It’s called real life, right here in these eyes the Lord gave us and it looks better than anything you’ll see on your tablets. If we wanted to watch the Cats in hi-def back in ’88, hell we’d crank up some Mellencamp and burn a doob before going in.

No booze at the games. Kids, it’s called a flask. And I’ve always got some extra, just hop in the van.

Ticket lotto. Now Big Doug knows a thing or two about the lotto and here’s the bottom line: somebody’s gotta win, may as well be you. Back in ’88 we’d have to get in line at the ticket office first thing Monday morning. Tickets didn’t go on sale ’til Friday. Oh, what’s that? The seats aren’t primo? Well isn’t that just a tragedy, you poor poor victims of circumstance. Back in ’88 I had to watch the Indiana-Kentucky game in row UU with my boy Beans sitting on my shoulders. Now Beans was a big boy, gassy as all get-out and we got blown the hell out, but we were there, man. We were there.

The team’s not good enough. Hey y’all, this is Kentucky. You keep waiting for that good football team train to pull into the station…I’ll be in Commonwealth watchin’ college football with my hot dates, gettin’ frisky feelin’ tipsy and singin’ Mony Mony like there’s no tomorrow.


I hate to throw my classmates under the bus. You old hats, you have no idea what us college students nowadays are facin’. What with the excessive tuition hikes and mounting student debt, diminishing career opportunities, vegan diets and peanut allergies. It’s a bitch, man. Don’t get me wrong, there’s still plenty of Big Blue die-hards runnin’ around campus but the game’s done changed. We used to look at crammin’ into the nosebleeds at Rupp Arena as a privilege, not a hassle. Saturdays in the Fall were once a chance for students to escape the couch, maybe even burn it, not an invitation to stay in and sit on it snappin’ pictures of yourself.

My fellow students, as a grown ass man that’s seen some things, take this piece of advice from Uncle Doug: do everything. This is your chance. You’re in college and you’re expected to get out of line from time to time. You’re supposed to get out and try things, go places and do just about everything but sit around drinking and watching the TV. Trust me, you’ll have every day of the rest of your life for that.

With Big Blue Regards,


Article written by John Dubya

The Twitter: @Johnawilk

40 Comments for Attendance Woes: non-traditional student perspective

  1. Blue Gray
    8:07 pm December 12, 2013 Permalink

    Fantastic! I can relate completely!

  2. kelm18
    8:13 pm December 12, 2013 Permalink

    Doug. Love the post!!! I love the way you put it into perspective and I wish I would’ve went to more games during my UK year (even though that was during drunk Billy G). But you are one funny dude and I really dig the minivan reference. It had me laughing pretty good, but you need to start offering candy if you want any serious takers. That’s what I do when I want somebody younger to come in the minivan. Go cats!!!!

  3. Exactly
    8:15 pm December 12, 2013 Permalink

    Nice Post Doug

  4. here ya go
    8:17 pm December 12, 2013 Permalink

    this post is all about that ksr creed.. in the most ridiculous way possible, awesome post .. still laughing!

  5. Chester
    8:19 pm December 12, 2013 Permalink

    Durn kids goin a skool for educaturn, collage is furr basquiteball not dagblerned lernin!! Too many o them chinamens at uk these days ruinin skool spurit! Dey took urrrr jooobs!!!

    • Chester is a genius - compared to most
      9:31 pm December 12, 2013 Permalink

      Many folks responded in a negative “critical” fashion to Chester’s call today. They called him names, laughed at him, etc. After reading most of the suggestions contained herein, all I have to say is the following…..


      Apparently folks do not understand the first thing about how the “real world” works. As best I can determine, the majority would be satisfied (and that is a maybe satisfied) if they could attend games in accordance with these demands: free or nearly free tickets, sit in the best seats, drink all the alcohol they want, have the best tech apps available, have great video and sound systems, plush chair back seats for all, put drunk students down on the floor, ban all of the folks over 40 years of age, have cannons that shoot free shirts (why not get free tennis shoes as well) run a shuttle from the dorms or front doors of those that wants to attend, change the music to all rap, do away with the fight song, have free “big name” concerts before and after each game and above all have a place to tailgate “DRINK” before and after games. Of course the same folks that claim they cannot afford to attend games clearly would attend if only they were allowed to purchase $9 beers during the game. These people are so fricking stupid they indeed make Chester look like a genius.

  6. Good taste
    8:25 pm December 12, 2013 Permalink

    Less Matt posts and more Doug. Please? The grammar may not be the best, but the content is interesting and, appropriately, non-traditional. Assuming this one good piece is not a fluke, I’d consider him for a weekly column.

    • ummm...
      8:33 pm December 12, 2013 Permalink

      The grammar may not be the best? When was it ever good in either case?

    • ummm's teacher
      9:11 pm December 12, 2013 Permalink

      ummm you’re attempted put down doesn’t make any sense

  7. slappy
    8:30 pm December 12, 2013 Permalink

    Wait, some of you really believe this was written by an actual non-traditional student and isn’t a mock post?


    • you know...
      8:35 pm December 12, 2013 Permalink

      I’m starting to get the same feeling as you slappy. Damn you Chester!

  8. Nkywildcat
    8:33 pm December 12, 2013 Permalink

    10/10. Would read again.

  9. schwing
    8:34 pm December 12, 2013 Permalink

    guys, this is obviously a parody written by john mccain. you read the part about how obama took his job, right?

  10. Gov33
    8:35 pm December 12, 2013 Permalink

    Classic! I remember those days. Never missed a game! Doug, you are spot on old school!

  11. attention
    8:41 pm December 12, 2013 Permalink

    Students and alumni, you need to take your school back from the non-students and non-alumni. This is getting ridiculous. Kentucky is in dire need a professional sports program in the state.

  12. Me
    8:49 pm December 12, 2013 Permalink

    Best thing I’ve read on KSR in a long time

    • LaceFace
      1:36 am December 13, 2013 Permalink

      Agreed, wholeheartedly!!!

  13. Kyle
    8:50 pm December 12, 2013 Permalink

    I understand students have a lot to do. I understand them not wanting to go to every football game. But I don’t understand them not wanting to go to basketball.

    When I was at UK I was a 3.5 student and went to every single game my four years. I found a way. Even once when I had a final start at 6 and there was a game at 7:30. I grew up in Kentucky and went to UK because I love it and the basketball team.

    These kids should realize that after they graduate there are no more $5 tickets. Enjoy it now before you get old and have real world problems.

  14. KingRex
    9:00 pm December 12, 2013 Permalink

    Dubya, that’s solid work right there. Channeling your inner creepy old man and letting it flow…

    I hope we hear from Doug again as the season goes on.

  15. ummmmm's teacher
    9:10 pm December 12, 2013 Permalink

    uuummmm you’re attempted put down doesn’t make any sense

  16. jpg
    9:18 pm December 12, 2013 Permalink

    Heck, I am still in my 20’s and graduated from UK in 08, and I completely agree with Doug. I do not know what has happened over the 5 years since I have been gone, but students need to wake up. Every UK student before you has had to deal with everything you do, but they were packing Rupp, and making it respectable at CW.

    The only thing I will tell you Doug, is that it is not Obama that to your Job away (Unless you worked for the government). It was overly greedy corporate big boys like AIG (rated junk securities as good investments), ENRON, a host of banking institutions (they gave away loans to anyone that wanted one, even if there was no way they could afford them), and some big betting individuals that drove the the housing bubble into existence, along with our economic depression. Just to let you know, I am Republican and believe in the freedom of markets.

    Good write-up….Go Cats!!!

  17. johnboynotbilly
    9:19 pm December 12, 2013 Permalink

    best damn thing I’ve read on here in a year and a half! I don’t care if its a mock up or not – to many damn tweens writing on here that want to talk about twitter, hair color, vines, and the rest of the garbage that doesn’t relate to a win/loss schedule…
    I just hope he doesn’t end up in that van down by the river eating government cheese!

  18. catcounsel
    9:44 pm December 12, 2013 Permalink


    10:16 pm December 12, 2013 Permalink

    As a fellow old fart from the first Doug go round era we had to work for our tickets and we still packed the place

    Sunday morning at 9am you lined up across Memorial, ran inside and you and 1 friend got your 1 control card each that put you in a line outside Memorial (did some horse trading so you could get better seats) and then waited 3 hours from 10am-1pm for the old ticket guys to show up and start handing out tickets. You waited regardless of the cold, if you were sick, or hungover.

    There were fires built in cans, card playing, and, just about everything else going on, except all these young perennials runnin’ around in yogi pants with their faces buried in their gadgets

  20. SeoulCat
    10:59 pm December 12, 2013 Permalink

    Good read!

  21. Destiny
    12:12 am December 13, 2013 Permalink

    Dubya is the perfect name for you hillbilly moron. Funny how the old guy in your class has spent decades helping pay for your defaulted student loans. Has done more than you ever will. And doesn’t have 20% unemployment like you worthless brats. Go watch Mtv and play video games you spineless, coddled, think your entitled, drags on society.

  22. KirwanTower1974
    12:51 am December 13, 2013 Permalink

    Doug… lying piece of shit. I did exactly as you said and you are not listed on Bing unless you live in Latham, NY and actually are part owner of a “PRECISION” Power Washing business. Anyways, the guy on the ladder is wearing…what? Syracuse colors and HE DOESN’T EVEN LOOK LIKE YOU. I’m not sure what game you’re playing here but stop it, right now. I’m callin’ you out man. Name one freaking philosopher (Other than Cal) and no…..John Stewart doesn’t count you lame brain.

    And vans….dude let me tell you about vans. Back in the day one of my old roommates, (Loren are you still out there son?) had a real VW van….not some Dodge wannbe like you. Loren was a swimmer from California (whose back I once shaved before the SEC meet). He said he felt like a seal in the water. But I digress. Anyway, he sent a letter to Jimmy Carter inviting him to come and stay with us in the dorm for Derby Week and Loren was actually going to take him to the race IN THE FREEEEEKING VAN. Dumbass turned him down. Imagine a pristine weekend like that and he actually sent a letter back sayin’ “no I don’t need no stinking Derby…well, not in those exact words.

    Doug, they are MILLENNIALS NOT PERENNIALS you botanically challenged observer of campus life.

    Why back in the 70’s (a vastly superior decade if I do say so) We filled Memorial with a much larger percentage of students and made the place rock. You couldn’t even hear your own hoarse voice it was so loud. Those were the days.

    Doug I think you are an imposter but I congratulate you on an abiding faith in the Wildcats. Quit with trying to hook up with girls that could be your daughter Matt, er Doug. Carry on.

  23. LaceFace
    1:37 am December 13, 2013 Permalink

    This is fantastic. More, please!

  24. Frank Horper
    3:16 am December 13, 2013 Permalink

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  25. Chunky
    5:58 am December 13, 2013 Permalink

    Well said sir, well said.

  26. John
    6:45 am December 13, 2013 Permalink

    Doug nailed it.
    Put him on staff, or at least a weekly dose of realism with Doug.


  27. Thomas D
    8:01 am December 13, 2013 Permalink

    I don’t care who wrote it, it was entertaining and was the first post I read completely in a LOnG time! Maybe you should let KSR readers write articles and you choose what gets posted.

  28. Michael F. Jox
    8:24 am December 13, 2013 Permalink

    Tomlin wishes he could write like this. Great job, sir! 🙂

  29. Twitter Account Denied
    8:49 am December 13, 2013 Permalink

    Doug, you do look like a narc!

  30. bigcat76
    9:30 am December 13, 2013 Permalink

    If Matt doesn’t give “Uncle” Doug a regular spot on this site then there is no justice in this world. This post was killer. I can only imagine Doug’s take on the state of the football program, Coach Cal, Women’s basketball, and the evolution of campus life. Sign him up!!!

    If he is a narc and you ask him he’s has to tell you, right?

  31. More Uncle Doug
    10:01 am December 13, 2013 Permalink

    Not sure if Uncle Doug can write like this over and over but if he can keep him on board. He put it all in this one!

  32. Rick Roy
    10:16 am December 13, 2013 Permalink


  33. RealLife
    11:44 am December 13, 2013 Permalink

    “I tell you a little something about hi-definition. – It’s called real life”. Best quote I have heard in a long time and I plan on plagiarizing it from you often.

  34. Mojoholic
    12:47 pm December 13, 2013 Permalink

    I was there in ’88 and sat beside Doug and Beans at the IU game. I can attest to Bean’s flatulence problem.
    Doug for student council president!

  35. BOB
    3:30 pm December 13, 2013 Permalink

    Best post I’ve seen on here in a while, nice work!

    I don’t know when s*** hit the fan, but I’m a 2012 grad and I can’t comprehend the current student body’s mindset. The excuses are pathetic, and I could almost see this movement starting toward the end of my 4 years there with the frat dudes who’d rather watch the game at bar. If you’re a true UK fan no HDTV or lottery issues or “poor gameday experience” is going to keep you out of Rupp or CWS. I dreamed about attending those games in the student section when I was a kid, and I can proudly say I never turned down attending a game in favor of sitting at my house 5 minutes away from the stadium/arena to watch it on tv. You have your entire life to sit on your ass and watch the game at home. Get a ticket (at a price you’ll soon regret not taking advantage of), cheer on the school you claim to be fan of, and make some memories that you’re fortunate enough to be in the position to make. End of rant.

    Great work Dubya