As 2005 disappears like powder from a Michael Irvin mirror, our attention must now turn to the impending new year. As always, the new set of 365 will surely contribute it’s share of significant events not only in the world of sports, but the world itself. I’ve compiled a collection of gripes which are fueled by 2005’s happenings and trends, in hopes that 2006 can correct the mistakes.
Endzone booty dancing– Players like “Icky” Woods (you know you’re a joke when you’re endzone celebration is more famous than your career), and Deion Sanders honed the art of “acting like you’ve never scored before” in previous decades. Then the torch was passed to the likes of Randy Moss and his ‘full moon’, and who can forget the ‘bob-n-weave’ of the Rams? It took me eons to finally come to grips with the T.O.’s and Chad Johnson’s of the NFL (not you Joe Horn, imitating a 14-year-old girl at the mall warrants no respect). They score a touchdown and pretend like the ball is a coronary victim, a fishing rod, their girlfriend, etc. It’s harmless enough, and sometimes even produces a smile on my face. However, if Icky were alive today (is he?) even he would be disgusted with the new trend of TD jubilation. Players everywhere are beginning to, ahem, “drop it like it’s hot” all over the NFL after crossing the goaline. Ass out, knees bent, arms akimbo; it’s like a rap video audition without the Kristale. If I wanted to see the atomic dog, I’d borrow some Gucci from “guru” Rob and head down to Club Butter. Giving a football mouth-to-mouth is one thing, pretending like it’s ladies night in da club is just downright offensive.
Side note: the best touchdown consecrators include–Steve Young’s textbook spike; Alvin Harper, the original goalpost dunker; and Barry Sanders who perfected the art of handing the ball back to the ref where it belongs.
Decorated ‘Eye-Black’— First intorduced to baseball as a way to reduce glare, eye-black has since evolved into a multi-sport fashion statement. If that’s not enough, it’s not even paint anymore; rather adhesive patches, or to the layman, stickers. It’s only a matter of time before corporate america gets wind of the trend and Matt Leinert is using his Viagra blue-pill patch to block the sun.
Sensitivity– What ever happened to “sticks and stones may break my bones…?” 2005 saw an all-time high in filed lawsuits, sympathy for Al-Qaeda POW’s, and the NCAA banishment of native american nicknames. How is the Fighting Illini offensive? Would it be better if changed to the Passive Illini? Or change the Braves to the Cowards? They’re NICKNAMES for goodness sake. My buddy Josh hates that we call him Hank due to his affinity to Hank Hill, but hey, it’s a nickname and life goes on.
Jersey Displaying— What was that Rashad McCants? Oh, you play for North Carolina, thank you for clarifying. We’ve all had to witness this athletic fad aplenty–a player makes a good shot or a team wins a game and proceeds to display the name of their team as written on their uni. Cute. It’s especially handy when you forget what team you’re watching, or can’t remember if there’s an ‘s’ on the end of Illinois (thanks Dee Brown). It started as a glowing tribute to your team, but has since spiraled out of control. Does an accountant finish a tax report and ‘pop’ the Polo horse on his oxford? The other day at McDonald’s they got my large order out in 20 seconds, and the manager ‘popped’ his golden arch to let me know exactly whose house I was in.
Frivilous Bowl Games– San Diego County Credit Union Poinsetta Bowl? EV1.net Houston Bowl? MPC Computers Bowl? Sad, embarrasing, ridiculous. Look out next year for the Daryl Isaacs “Heavy Hitter” Bowl at Papa John’s Cardinal Stadium.
The UK basketball world tour– Has our beloved ball club become the Harlem Globetrotters? “Home” games in Freedom Hall, US Bank Arena, RCA Dome…It seems as if they’re exploited for their talents and forced to play in a new venue every night and recieve zero compensation. Surely the NCAA wouldn’t do that, after all, even Malaysian sweat shops have some sort of hourly wage. Is it that painful for UK fans in surrounding areas to drive an hour to Rupp?
Monday Night Football– Games like last week’s 48-3 shallacking of the Packers by the awful Ravens was painful. Not only was it extremely anti-climatic, but it was hard to listen as John Madden continued to kiss Favre’s keister even after the ‘gunslinger’ threw his 10th INT of the game into septupal coverage. But these kind of games are few and far between for MNF…except for the previous week’s 4 hour horror show between the Saints and the Falcons. Or the week before that’s 42-0 epic between the Eagles and Seahawks…I’d almost rather watch an episode of Will & Grace guest starring Roseanne.
Bill O’Reilly/Rush Limbaugh/Al Franken– Political pundits can be entertaining and insightful, unless they’re too busy sexually harrassing co-workers, roasting oxycontin on a spoon, or pretending they’re still Stuart Smally as they drive their hybrid car to pick up some organic sushi…which leads me to…
Tom Cruise– While he’s given an Oscar worthy perfomance that ranks right up there with Jerry McGuire and Cocktail, he’s failed to convince us that he is indeed, straight, intelligent, or sane. For crying out loud, stop putting a camera in this guy’s face.
straight-billed ballcaps– The look says it all; BEND THE BILL IDIOT!