The time of year when websites strategically and carefully construct their All-America teams is upon us. This website, however, is not one of those. After all, does anyone really know, or care for that matter, about Brandon Roy? That’s why I have put together college basketball’s 2005-06 All-Ugly team. Un P.C.? Yes. Insensitive? Very. As T-shirts at your local country fillin’ station profess– “There was no lifeguard on duty when you slipped into the gene pool”– a few (un)lucky individuals had their superior athletic prowess trumped by the ugly card. Don’t fret fright-faces, for there are numerous cases where people have bounced back from their beat down by the ugly stick, to go on and become highly successful in their respective fields. Just look, or at least try to, at Larry King, Howard Stern, Tom Petty, James Carville, and Rene Zelwegger. So without further ado, here is this year’s list of the genetically less-fortunate (see, I can be P.C.):
C Joakim Noah, Florida. What do you get when your father is a world-class tennis player? Superb athleticism. Then, throw in the fact that he mated with a former Miss Sweden, and you’ve got a can’t miss all-around product…or so it would seem. Usually when you get your mother’s face, and said mother just so happened to be a super model, all signs point to stunning beauty. Yet, when you get your mother’s face but your father’s “organ”, what results is a mug that even Salvador Dali would struggle to concoct.
F Sheldon Williams, Duke. As far as I see it, Williams owes me at least three nights of sleep. Sometimes I fear that he’s hiding in my closet, or lurking under my bed. While Williams is a sure-fire pro, he always has acting to fall back on; as seen by his roles in “The Hills Have Eyes”, and his starring part as Sloth in “The Goonies 2000.” If you are unfortunate enough to come face-to-face with Williams, just say his name three times and he’ll disappear, as if he’s playing in the Sweet 16.
F Adam Morrison, Gonzaga. While he’s forced to share P.O.Y. honors with J.J. Redick, Morrison stands alone as the top-dog of dog-like hoopsters. Unlike the other members, Morrison worked for his homliness. By growing his mop to previously unheard-of proportions, and keeping his Fu-Manchu at migrant worker length, Morrison has begun to repave the road that great-uglies like Larry Bird so gallanty paved before him.
G Chris Quinn, Notre Dame. A tough-nosed, sweet shooting, vomit enducing guard from tough-luck Notre Dame was a difficult choice. He plays the right way, and seems like a very bright kid, but the simple fact of the matter is eyes were never meant to be this close together.
G Eric Devendorf, Syracuse. Here’s a young man whose face is a prime example of the wrath of Murphy’s Law; “Everything that can go wrong, will indeed go wrong.”
Head Coach: Gene Keady–It’s his job until someone takes it from him; keep trying Hubie Brown.
Kevin Pittsnogle, West Virginia. A unique blend of the MAD Magazine kid and years of intrafamily relations, P-Snog will hopefully get a chance to take his uncomlieness to the next level.
Josh Boone, Connecticut. Words need not explain.
Renaldo Balkman, South Carolina. We love him for dunking all-over Louisville, we admire his heart, and we can’t continue our dinner when he’s on the TV.
J.J. Redick, Duke. He’s ugly on the inside.
In case you think I’m trying to toot my own horn here, it goes without saying that each player on this list sees more action than I saw last night on Cinemax, and a few of these head-turners will be millionaires—millionaires with plenty of money to throw at Dr. 90210, or spend until they feel good about themselves.