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Further proof that we need a playoff system

Is there anything more important than football in the SEC? Of course there is: women. Clay Travis, a fairly entertaining breath of fresh air at CBSSportsline.com, made the SEC rounds this fall, visiting each school for a home football game and partaking in the subsequent campus “scene.” Last week, Travis unveiled his Girls of the SEC power rankings, and made it painfully obvious that his eye for women was likely Big-10 trained. So I decided, with help from KSR pal and SEC aficionado Gerry DiNardo, that a first-hand critique was in order. So here is how Travis ranked em, and how we see em:

1. Ole Miss— This is yet another example of the southern belle mystique being blown out of proportion. The “we redshirt Miss Americas” slogan is cute, but it is also a gross misrepresentation. Sure, an afternoon in The Grove is rampant with eye-candy, but it’s a different kind of candy at Ole Miss; old-fashioned and plain, like a Worther’s Original. That’s all fine and dandy, but sometimes you want something newer and fun, like Pop Rocks or Tropical Skittles. What Ole Miss girls may lack in trend, they more than compensate with their matrimonial potential: trust funds, powerful “daddys”, beach/ski-front property, generation-tested domestic capabilities, and age-friendly skin void of harmful exposure to tanning bed rays. If you perfer women who wear pearls and makeup to bed and have a last name for a first, then Ole Miss is your place.

Gerry DiNardo: “Because Ole Miss is quite possibly the worst academic school in the SEC, conversation will be difficult at first, but after the first five minutes or so you’ll be hoping all of your friends are watching you talk to this Hotty Toddy beauty.”

2. Georgia–As far as college towns go, Athens is the textbook. Maybe it’s the splendor of the town itself which amplifies these Georgia peaches, but the hot to dog ratio is pretty impressive. Unlike Ole Miss, UGA’s massive student body is composed of a large number of out-of-staters, which allows for a lovely assortment of Southern diversity.

Gerry DiNardo: “The bar scene in Athens is untouchable and leads UGA to be the most fun school in the SEC. The girls here are not only a blast to hang out with, but also to look at. Females in Athens are down to earth, love their Dawgs (not to the point of obsession like Bama), and most importantly are gorgeous.”

3. Vandy–Nashville is a fine town, and Vandy is a heckuva school, but even Stevie Wonder could tell you that this is a gross over-ranking. Maybe this guy is married to a Vandy grad, I don’t know, but what I do know is when it comes to talent, Vandy is about as capable as Shagari Alleyne in their business school.

Gerry DiNardo: “While Vandy girls may be good looking, unfortunately, many of them make it blatantly obvious that they pay 40 grand a year to go to school. Lots of snobby northern girls, and in my experience, that’s generally a negative. With Greek life on a quick decline, the future trophy wives of Vanderbilt may begin to go the way of the Dore’s athletics.”

4. Auburn–Another curious selection. Auburn has their share of beauties, but like Tommy Tuberville is about to find out, the best in-state talent will usually opt for Tuscaloosa. Of course, not everyone tests well, so Auburn serves as a convenient destination for all the Suzy Southerners who’s ACT matches their AGE…which isn’t always a negative.

5. South Carolina–I like a girl who knows her way around gridiron, and these coeds love their Cocks.

Gerry DiNardo: “I think the best way to describe the girls I know from USC is that they are the kind of girls you can take to a deer camp for a weekend and not only won’t bitch the whole time, but may actually have fun.”

6. LSU–As their lowest freshman retention rate in the SEC indicates, these gals rarely meet a party they don’t like.

Gerry DiNardo: “Louisiana girls are a little unlike than other girls. It’s such a unique state with so many different kinds of people, you never really know what you’re gonna get. If you’re lucky, you’ll find a little cutie with that Cajun accent they can’t ever seem to get right in movies.”

7. Tennessee–“Knox-vee-ul.” That’s how they say it, and at first, it’s cute. They grow ‘em well in Tennessee, and it’s easy to see when traversing through this bustling campus. But let’s be honest, orange does little to highlight vanity, no matter how much makeup these ladies employ. But they have fun…as some of their bellies can attest.

8. Alabama–Similar to Ole Miss, Bama is fueled by in-state snobbishness. A lot of MRS degrees here, and like South Carolina, they are all football-obsessed. Not like most colleges, these girls curiously repel the freshman 15 better than most (hmm), and love to party.

9. Kentucky–A couple of years ago, Playboy ranked the girls of Kentucky as the number #1 hottest in america. So how are they ninth in the SEC? Biased? Yes. But come on, ninth? The author is quick to justify this, explaining that he was in town during the dreary afternoon of the Georgia game. Even worse, the night before the game he visited off-campus waterin’ hole Saddle Ridge. Well no wonder your trip to Lexington wasn’t more aesthetically pleasing. Kentucky has the misfortune of being bombarded by Buckeyes, who with their bleach-blond hair and orange tanning bed glow occasionally radiate an aura of Big 10. But if it’s variety you’re after, than look no further. Plenty of girls worthy of a trip home to Mom, and plenty take-home-worthy- fillies that you wouldn’t want mom to know about. I have yet to visit a place on this entire earth that can match the knockout density of a Keeneland afternoon, and like the weekend bust of a coed from Louisville, Kentucky’s ranking should be high and firm.

10. Arkansas–I have never met an Arkansas grad, nor anyone who has even been to Fayetteville. They are the forgotten school of the SEC, and consequently, their coed mystique suffers. I’m sure Arkansas has their share of tent-poppers, but all I can think about is Chelsea Clinton.

11. Florida–This one is hard to understand. I haven’t had the fortune of partaking in a Gainesville Saturday Night, but from what I’ve heard from others and seen in Playboy, Florida gets it done. Easily the most diverse coed population in the SEC, Florida offers a smorgasbord of flavors. And who doesn’t look better with a gentle kiss from the Florida sunshine? You really think Donovan and Meyer are that good at recruiting?

12. Miss St.–Like Fayetteville, Stark-Vegas is the land of the unknown. With a foundation in all things agriculture, it’s a wonder that Miss. St. has any girls that don’t still flaunt their corduroy FFA jackets. State does however, always bring a stellar group of cheerleaders to the SEC tourney, so maybe there are signs of improvement…nahh.

We say:
1. UGA
2. UK
3. Florida
4. USC
5. Ole Miss
6. Alabama
7. UT
8. LSU
9. Auburn
10. Arkansas
11. Vandy
12. Miss St.

Article written by John Dubya

The Twitter: @Johnawilk