In two days, the fair city of Lexington will once again be forced to tolerate the influx of Louisville’s elite as they blow into town, pockets flush thanks to the cornucopia of next day check cashing services Jefferson County has to offer. As is custom, 64 East will be littered with shell casings and roach clips as the Cards fans show up in a wagon train of I-Rocs with a sense of self worth so overinflated Ice-T will be taking it to the 2011 BET Awards. For 24 hours, UK will have to play host to its very own Cousin Eddie, hoping against hope that come Sunday morning there will still be some copper left in the dormitory air conditioners. That I can take; every family has a black sheep. What I can’t take is the misplaced confidence UL fans will once again drag into Commonwealth Stadium like Linus Van Pelt’s blanket.
Cards fans, what makes you think this year will be any different than the previous four? Is it because when your coach speaks he sounds like he is auditioning for the lead in “Miracle Worker”? With his charisma, Charles Strong makes Stephen Hawking sound like Tony Robbins. Whether it is interviews or press conferences, Chuck stumbles over his words like it’s a course on Wipeout. Even if he were the greatest tactician alive, he wouldn’t be able to communicate it to his players. I can just see a director of a Rally’s commercial pounding his head against a boom mic as Strong butchers his lines like a Boone’s ‘Pick 5’. A new hire that can diagram a play is of little use if he can’t diagram a sentence.
Beyond the coach, do you “Da Ville” fans realize you are starting a 5-foot-5, ginger walk-on at quarterback? If your quarterback had less stars, he would be heading the fall lineup on the CW. I challenge anyone to differentiate Opie’s rock skip in the opening credits of the Andy Griffith Show from Will Stein’s game film. Usually when something that little, red, and annoying pops up, the UofL cheerleaders have to refill their Valtrex scripts. I do like that the kid has heart. But so did Custer.
Last Friday, I reluctantly watched you all take on FIU in the showcase that was the Sunbelt Conference. The Bay of Pigs didn’t feature as many South Floridians running rampant as what I saw in your backfield that evening. Your offensive line has more gaping holes than Samantha Ryan. Nothing you’ve done in the last half decade leads me to think you have anything more to look forward to Saturday night other than getting tasered. The good news is that you won’t be holding the Governor’s Cup as that has metal and is a good conductor of electricity. (Calm down Cards fans, I know I just used the word “conductor” in a sentence in a way unrelated to a train. I know you’re fascinated with trains and love to sit in their shadows while you drink Canadian whiskey waiting for non-conference losses. Just unfurrow your brow and know that the word has multiple meanings.)
UK fans, I can’t wait to see you guys this weekend and “RISE”, or whatever the hell that means. UL fans, Catalina Inn doesn’t have a late checkout so you’ll need to be westbound no later than 11:00 am Sunday.
I hate Louisville. Go Cats.