Here’s the deal: the University of Florida isn’t what you’ve been led to believe. All these years you’ve imagined this pristine university with perfect weather and smokin’ hot girls walking around campus in tiny bikinis — it’s all lies. Lies, I tell you. Smoke and mirrors. We’ve all been duped.
I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the University of Florida is trash. Everything you thought you knew about Gainesville, forget about it. Let me tell you about the real University of Florida, the real Gainesville, and the real Gator fans…
First and foremost, Gainesville is full of rednecks.
And I can say that because I was born, raised, and still live in Kentucky, which is also full of rednecks. (Pot and kettle talkin’ here.) The podunk town of Gainesville doesn’t deserve to be in the Sunshine State with all of the beautiful places we timeshare throughout the year. It should be in Tennessee or West Virginia or, well, Kentucky. No, even better: it should be demolished and rebuilt as discounted long term parking for Disney World.
The people there will literally shit anywhere.
Just a couple weeks ago, a man was arrested for dropping a deuce on the front steps of a Gainesville church. An employee at a nearby parking garage saw the man and offered him toilet paper and a place to go, but he was all like, “Naw I’m good I’ll go right here on this church.”
When police arrived he was lying in a steaming pile of his own brand. True story.
Florida football and basketball led the nation in criminal activity from 2009-2014.
ESPN Outside The Lines discovered that 80 male basketball and football players at Florida were suspects in over 100 crimes from 2009 to 2014. The athletes never faced charges, had charges against them dropped or were not prosecuted 56 percent of the time in that span.
Former running back Chris Rainey, who rushed for over 100 yards against Kentucky in 2011, was named a suspect in five crimes alone. Of course, he only faced charges once because he was a Gator.
Speaking of Florida and criminal activity…
No telling what his body count is. Real class act ya got there, Florida.
You can get sexually assaulted in broad daylight on a Sunday by another man.
A man named Phuc Kieu –yes, that’s really his name– tried to rape another man on a Sunday afternoon around this time last year. Kieu punched the man in the face and then pulled him into his vehicle, straddled him and attempted to undress him, according this news report.
Kieu, a licensed nail specialist, had been watching porn in his vehicle before the attack.
What the Phuc?
These young women aren’t real.
Again, as I mentioned before, the University of Florida wants you to think it has some of the hottest coeds in America. Don’t fall for it. Everyone in that picture is photoshopped beyond recognition. In fact, four of them have a penis.
We have it much better right here in Lexington.
Erin Andrews is kind of terrible.
I won’t elaborate, but she is. Just trust me on that one.
University professors are real creep shows.
A college professor at UF was caught secretly filming up the skirts of two of his students, using a camera pen on the unsuspecting females in his classroom. When caught, the professor told police he was “gathering information to prove she was not wearing undergarments.”
The camera pen contained several upskirt videos and other videos of females working in his laboratory and meeting in his office.
The fans play dirty.
For instance, this Gainesville Craigslist ad asks for women to “entrap Florida State football players” into punching them at a bar.
The fans play really dirty.
Back in the 90s, the SEC passed a rule prohibiting students from sitting behind the visiting team’s bench. The rule came after a complaint that Florida fans threw cups of urine on opposing players and staff. Phillip Fulmer’s wife was hit by one of the flying cups of piss, allegedly.
Anyone who has been to The Swamp in opposing colors has a story to tell about how they were mistreated.
Worst fan base in the SEC.
This is normal in Gainesville.
These creatures are everywhere.
You see, Gainesville isn’t what they sell us when we Google ‘Hot Florida fans.’ Most of those results come from Florida State anyway.
Gainesville is a waste dump. Simply put, Gainesville is the Starkville of Florida.