“Hey, wait a minute, who is that fellow over there standing on the side lines with a headset stretched over his perfectly cubic shaped head? I swear he’s got the most familiar face but I can’t remember his name for the life of me. Stan? No, that’s not it. Ste- nope, not even close. Sam? Shan…THAT’S IT! THAT’S SHANNON DAWSON! Boy, I had almost forgotten about him. He’s the guy who called all the plays for the offense last year! Oh yeah…the offense…last year. Ugh, now I’m sad.”
See that Shannon Dawson? That’s exactly what you’re going to hear on Saturday from our fans during the game. Some of them won’t be so nice. Our clever fans will have no trouble seeing right through you being dressed up as the Southern Miss offensive coordinator. Wait, that’s not a disguise? You actually got hired again to call plays? Haha- forgive me. I just didn’t think-….you know because last year didn’t-…uhh forget it. But seriously, coach, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to wear a disguise during your time in Commonwealth Stadium on Saturday.
I’ll tell you what, Coach Dawson, me and the rest of the KSR fan base will even help you choose the best disguise for you to blend in. It’s probably best for you to go unnoticed because if Kentucky fans see you, it probably won’t be a pleasant experience for you. Here’s a list of some disguises I’d try if I were you.
Now don’t worry, I’ve already looked into it and they do make whiskey bottle costumes for grown men so finding one shouldn’t be a problem. Coach, I fully grant you that you will look totally ridiculous if you wear one of these in Commonwealth Stadium on Saturday but just hear me out. The strategy is to blend in by sticking out. Here’s how it will go, UK fans will turn, look, notice you’re a whiskey bottle, and as they have done for many, many years, turn and look the other way.
2. 3rd Down Marker
All too often last year your play calling on 3rd down left fans burying their head in their hands out of frustration. Eventually fans just started automatically putting their hands in their hands and shielding the game from their eyes at the sight of a “3” on the down marker. You essentially performed Ivan Pavlov’s famous dog experiment on the entire UK football fan base last year. So, I think you should use the ideas of classical conditioning and Behaviorism to your advantage. Dress as a life size down marker, that is always set to 3rd down. As soon as UK fans see you they’ll immediately shield their eyes, frightened a 3rd & 9 draw play may happen at any instant. It’s fool proof, if you ask me.
3. Brittany Wagner from Last Chance U
We’ve all heard by now that everyone’s favorite person from Last Chance U is going to be in town for the game. Coach, I know you might you’re above disguising yourself as a female academic adviser but it may be one of your best options. First of all, you would be creating a major distraction. Some fans will see the actual Brittany Wagner and say, “wow, she’s really sweet and gorgeous.” While the other half of fans will see you disguised as Brittany Wagner and think, “the camera worked wonders for that woman because she kinda looks like a dude.” This will create a huge controversy on game day and fans will be more worried about figuring out which is the real Brittany Wagner and less worried about heckling you. I’m just trying to help you out, Coach.
4. Wi-Fi Signal
I threw this one on here as kind of a last ditch effort if you somehow thought the other three were stupid. You’re kinda on your own figuring out how to pull off the disguise of an actual WiFi signal. If you can figure that out, it might be the best you’ve got because Kentucky fans know for a fact that WiFi signals don’t exist in the lower bowl.