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Real Fake Transcript From The Power 5 Athletic Directors Meeting

The athletic directors of the Power 5 conferences came together in a secret Zoom meeting early Monday morning to compare notes on how they see the future of college football in 2020. The meeting was organized by the Big Ten conference as a way to convince the other Power 5 schools to pull the plug on football this fall.

Soon after the meeting, KSR’s source within the Northwestern athletic department slipped us a copy of the meeting’s written transcript. What you’re about to read is word for word what happened in this private meeting that I completely made up in my head.

 


TRANSCRIPT: POWER 5 DIRECTORS MEETING (8/10/2020)

 

Big Ten Athletic Director #1 (Host): Let me first start by saying thank you to everyone for joining us today. We have our usual group of directors from our own league, but today we are also excited to be joined by every member institution from the ACC, Big 12, Pac 12 and SEC as we all come together for one common goal: canceling the fall 2020 college football season.

ACC Athletic Director #1: “Whoa, whoa, whoa—”

SEC Athletic Director #1: “I knew this was an ambush.”

(SEC Athletic Directors #2, #3, #4, #5 and #6 exited chat.)

Big 12 Athletic Director #1: “No the f*** we are not—”

SEC Athletic Director #7: “I will literally fight you in the face—”

Big Ten Athletic Director #1: (Interrupting) ORDER! ORDER! The other members of the Big Ten and I have decided it is in the best interest of our student-athletes to make the final call to table football until at least the spring. Our colleagues in the Pac 12 have agreed and we believe it should be delivered as a collective decision from the five Power 5 conferences.

(SEC Athletic Directors #1, #8, #9 and #10 exited chat.)

SEC Athletic Director #7: “We in the SEC are proceeding with football as planned beginning Sept. 26. We recognize this is unchartered territory with a significant increase in risks across the board, but football must be played, even if it’s a limited schedule.”

ACC Athletic Director #2: “What he said.”

Big 12 Athletic Director #1: “Yeah what he said.”

SEC Athletic Director #7: “Our current plan is to play the 10-game conference schedule and determine our own national champion if a postseason cannot be executed safely. The hope is to play all bowl games and the College Football Playoff in their normal format the first of the year.”

Pac 12 Athletic Director #1: “I have a question. What is this College Football Playoff you speak of?”

SEC Athletic Director #7: “Exactly. You’re dismissed, Pac 12. Enjoy the west coast.”

SEC Athletic Director #11: “Hey wait can we keep #Pac12AfterDark? I love betting the 1 a.m. games once we get home from ours.”

Big 12 Athletic Director #2: “Yeah we need those and the 11 a.m. Iowa games in the Big Ten. It’s like a warm-up before the real games kick off at noon.”

ACC Athletic Director #3: “Yeah I like those 11 a.m. games too. I always try to catch the first 15 minutes before we have to take the field.”

SEC Athletic Director #12: “I heard Michigan’s back this year.”

(Laughter)

Big Ten Athletic Director #1: “ORDER! ORDER! We expected pushback from the SEC, but the Big Ten and Pac 12 remain firm in our decision and we find it very irresponsible of our fellow conferences to make a mockery of Big Ten football when we are putting safety above athletic accomplishment.”

SEC Athletic Director #1: “You’re really going through with this, aren’t you?”

Big Ten Athletic Director #2: “Yes and you should do the same.”

ACC Athletic Director #4: “But did you see Trevor Lawrence’s tweet?”

Big Ten Athletic Director #3: “Everyone saw Trevor Lawrence’s tweet.”

ACC Athletic Director #5: “I thought Owen’s tweet was better.”

Big Ten Athletic Director #1: “Owen who?”

ACC Athletic Director #5: “0-3 in the College Football Playoff semifinals the last five years.”

SEC Athletic Director #13: “Got eem!”

Pac-12 Athletic Director #1: “Is anyone going to tell me what the College Football Playoff is?”

Big Ten Athletic Director #1: “ENOUGH! I am embarrassed by what is being said on this conference call. Each and every one of you need to look in the mirror and admit we have kicked this down the road for far too long, and now is the time to come together as one and do the right thing. The athletic directors of the Big Ten will do everything in our power to see to it and nothing will get in the way of the Big Ten’s decision or change our minds on this issue.”

(Nick Saban entered the chat.)

Nick Saban: “I heard somebody’s trying to cancel college football.”

(The host ended the video conference.)

Article written by Drew Franklin

I can recite every line from Forrest Gump, blindfolded. Follow me on Twitter: @DrewFranklinKSR

6 Comments for Real Fake Transcript From The Power 5 Athletic Directors Meeting



  1. BrnGrubb003
    3:31 pm August 10, 2020 Permalink

    I totally believe this conversation happened. Drew, did you just say it was fake so you didn’t embarrass them again?



  2. chris gettelfinger is not walking through that door
    3:41 pm August 10, 2020 Permalink

    TLDR. Drew, being such a funny guy, you should know brevity is the soul of wit.

    On a serious note, I’ll read it later. Gotta get back to work because I’ve already wasted to much time on KSR today. lol



  3. John Capilari
    4:13 pm August 10, 2020 Permalink

    Well done drew. I feel like with all these zoom meetings today, I’m just waiting…kinda like watching that door in Memphis all day.



  4. big cat
    11:03 pm August 10, 2020 Permalink

    Hahahaha funny……NOT! Drew is a clown.



  5. big cat
    11:04 pm August 10, 2020 Permalink

    Childish article. Is Drew a 3rd grader?



  6. Thetruthshallsetbennyfree
    5:03 am August 11, 2020 Permalink

    How did SEC director 1 leave the chat and then ask a question?