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Made-Up Quotes From Louisville’s Practice Because We Can’t Go

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The University of Louisville banned any “Kentucky media” from speaking to its coaches and players this week, which is a first. But we didn’t get to where we are (wherever that is) by letting people walk all over us and tell us what we can and can’t do. No sir. I will not be told I can’t do my job by some SID and media relations staffers with Bobby Petrino’s nipples in their mouths. That ain’t my style. I’m a go-getter and I will cover Louisville’s pre-Kentucky football practices if my little heart desires, and my little heart desires.

So now that we got that out of the way, here is today’s completely made-up practice report from the Louisville football facility:

 

Bobby Petrino tired of “changed man” narrative.

Today, Louisville head coach Bobby Petrino said he’s tired of the misreporting of his personal life. Several Louisville media members have written that he’s a changed man in his second stint at Louisville, but he can’t take it any longer.

“Changed man? Yeah right,” Petrino told reporters. “I parked my motorcycle outside Molly Malone’s last night and walked right in with intentions of stealing someone’s girl, anyone’s girl. Married? I don’t care. I’ll tell her, ‘Hop on the back of this Harley, baby girl, and let’s take this party elsewhere. Daddy just took three blue pills and he’s ready to ride.'”

When asked if Petrino thought his comments were inappropriate and unrelated to Saturday’s game, he asked the reporter, “Who are you? You know what, it doesn’t matter who you are because when I leave for a better job next year, your ass won’t matter.”

It was a really bizarre and uncomfortable scene to start the press conference.

Petrino ready to fight at mid-field again.

You may remember the pregame fisticuffs the last time Kentucky made the trip to Papa John’s Stadium. Bobby Petrino expects more of the same this year and he even went as far to say he will punch Vince Marrow in the throat if Marrow so much as looks his way before kickoff.

Petrino then changed his attitude when I reminded him Marrow is twice his size, and like Mark Stoops, comes from Youngstown, Ohio.

“You’re right. Both Marrow and Stoops would break my jaw if they knew I said that,” Petrino said. “I’m used to pushing around everyone within the athletic department here at Louisville, being a real asshole because I can, you know? I want no piece of Marrow, Stoops or anyone for that matter. Please cut this part of the interview.”

Lamar Jackson plans to sit out next season.

In some potentially devastating news to next year’s roster, Lamar Jackson said there’s no chance he will play football next season. Jackson has taken the advice from his agent and plans to sit out his junior season to avoid any risk of an injury.

“There’s no reason for me to come back and risk my NFL career,” Jackson said. “I’ll be the first quarterback taken in the 2018 draft, so it makes the most sense for me to finish this year, win my Heisman, and rest up for the next level.”

Cards fans aren’t going to take that too well.

 

More from Louisville practices, which I can’t attend, throughout the week…

Article written by Drew Franklin

I can recite every line from Forrest Gump, blindfolded. Follow me on Twitter: @DrewFranklinKSR

14 Comments for Made-Up Quotes From Louisville’s Practice Because We Can’t Go



  1. playmorezeppelin
    6:44 pm November 22, 2016 Permalink

    This is great



  2. runningunnin.454
    7:36 pm November 22, 2016 Permalink

    Speaking of UL football; they’ve fallen out of the top ten in the playoff ranking.



  3. scorpiocard
    10:50 pm November 22, 2016 Permalink

    LMAO! Good post Drew! Thanks for finally coming off with something funny about U of L. Usually your shots come across as…labored? Desperate? Dumb (granted they appeal to the choir you are preaching to). Lame? Such is the case at a one sport school I suppose. The one sport your rival happens to be pretty damn good at too (obligatory acknowledgment that cal does own Pitino HEAD TO HEAD, not in NCs) Well…you do have rifle, like WVU and a few other schools.

    This one was genuinely funny.

    btw…where is that dshwildcats feller who used to always be running his mouth about U of L’s football goals?



    • playmorezeppelin
      11:19 pm November 22, 2016 Permalink

      Ur mad



    • scorpiocard
      12:49 am November 23, 2016 Permalink

      Mad? About what? The Houston game? Duh…who wouldn’t be? But we are still in line for a NY6 Bowl, and perhaps Michigan or OSU opponent. The Heisman is pretty much locked up. Yeah…its tough when you have to settle for the second level of the top tier. I will admit, our goals are higher. Congats on qualifing for the Weed Eater bowl.

      Cubs win the World Series, Kansas beats Texas, and uk qualifies for the Weed Eater bowl. I looked out my window today and saw pigs flying.



    • brian
      6:47 am November 23, 2016 Permalink

      he is mad lol



    • playmorezeppelin
      7:28 am November 23, 2016 Permalink

      Look how mad he is



    • Big Bored Update
      7:48 am November 23, 2016 Permalink

      She’s mad.



    • Booby Petrino
      8:20 am November 23, 2016 Permalink

      Dang, all that anger from Scorpiocard. Great way to start the day, laughing at him or her. Too bad their football team has to cheat to win. All that cheating and still couldn’t make it to play the big boys. What a failure. Hopefully he or she feels better after venting to us. How many ncaa championships have their other sports won… Football 0, baseball 0, soccer 0, volleyball 0….same as us but only we are the one sport school…. Hilarious!



    • RealCatsFan
      8:22 am November 23, 2016 Permalink

      Your girlfriend grew wings? Or was that Katrina?

      Bar scene a bit slow, Scorp? 😉



    • Booby Petrino
      8:56 am November 23, 2016 Permalink

      they have windows in prison?



    • brian
      9:09 am November 23, 2016 Permalink

      scorpitard is mad because it’s team get EMBARRASED on national TV to a team that lost to navy and smu. If you are a top team, you don’t get waxed like.



  4. CatsFanFrankfort
    10:03 am November 23, 2016 Permalink

    Do UK fans go to whatever Uof L sites are out there and post things like this? Desperate, dumb and lame seems to sum up the description of people who would do such things.

    And saying Pitino ‘owns’ Cal head to head in championships is all great and everything, but of the 3 total between the two men, 2 have belonged to Kentucky, lest we forget. I’m ok with that. At least he was more respectable while coaching in Camelot.



  5. dshwildcats
    6:55 pm November 23, 2016 Permalink

    Right here, Loser!! Unlike you, a “trust fund” baby, most of us have jobs; a family to take care of; real responsibilities, etc., etc., and we don’t have time to spend 24/7 on a web site strictly devoted to our school’s rival.

    Heard you made the trip down to Houston last Thursday night! Boy, I bet that was a long, long night! Lol!! Your team’s chance to prove they are legitimately an “elite” program; and, to show the CFP Committee that they really screwed up by not putting “The ‘Ville” in the Top Four. I guess someone forgot to tell the Louisville players to put down their phones, stop tweeting about the CFP Committee, and get ready for Houston!

    Oh well! I guess that “collision course” with the National Championship will have to wait one more year! Since that proclamation by a very arrogant coach 31 years ago, Alabama has won 5 National Championships! Florida, Florida State, Miami and Nebraska all have 3 NCs under their belt. Ohio State, LSU, USC and Oklahoma each have 2 NCs to their credit. And, Kentucky? Kentucky has no National Championships in that same time period! Just like the might University of Louisville Cardinals! Lol!! BTW, Kentucky and a lot of other schools could’ve done exactly what Louisville did in Houston last Thursday night–lay down and quit!!

    What happened, Scorp?? I thought once you guys got into a legitimate football conference, and Bobby came home to take over reigns again, you guys were really gonna start rolling over the competition! Not going quite as well as you guys planned, is it, brother?? Just be thankful they sell alcohol at Louisville football games, Scorp, or you’d be sitting out there in that 55K seat stadium with about 20K Louisville fans who are actually there to watch a football game!

    Happy Thanksgiving, troll man!!