Tomorrow morning, Freddie Maggard will release his weekly breakdown of Kentucky and its upcoming football opponent. This week it’s Mississippi State and he believes the Cats are in for a dog fight (pun intended). You’ll know why once you read his position-by-position advantages and analysis.
But before we share that, let’s take a look at the off-the-field advantages. These may not have an effect on Saturday’s game, but they are equally important.
Here’s a head-to-head examination of which school is winning outside of the actual football.
Lexington vs. Starkville
In the first of our nine matchups tonight, Lexington gives Kentucky the 1-0 lead over Mississippi State by being one thousand times better than Starkville. As I’ve said many times over the years, Starkville is the worst place in America.
Commonwealth vs. Davis Wade
This is a tough one and I’m still not convinced I got it correct. Kentucky’s Commonwealth Stadium is fresh off its $110 renovation, but Davis Wade provides a better game day atmosphere. I asked two unbiased SEC fans who have been to both this season, and they each gave Mississippi State the nod.
I attended a game in Davis Wade and thought it was garbage, but that was before it added one of the largest video boards in college football. That, and the fact it sold out 31 consecutive games from 2009 to 2014, gives State the slight edge.
Kentucky Joe vs. Cowbells
In the Stadium Annoyance category, Mississippi State edges out Kentucky with its cowbells being slightly more obnoxious than Kentucky Joe.
If Commonwealth Stadium were to have 50,000 Kentucky Joes, it would win in a landslide. But the cowbells take the matchup for sheer volume.
Wildcats vs. Bulldogs
Drew Barker vs. Dak Prescott
Both football programs saw a quarterback get knocked the fug out in offseason fights last spring. State’s Dak Prescott was jumped while enjoying his Spring Break in Panama City, only to be matched by Drew Barker fighting Patrick Grafree’s fist with his jaw in Richmond soon after.
The two quarterbacks were blindsided by cowards, so this one is a push.
Kindly vs. Stingray
Though they likely have a similar bra size, Kindly is the winner in this contest and it’s not even close. I’ll take Kindly against anyone here.
This does not change my appreciation of Stingray, however. The guy is a star. I just have no interest in seeing him in a bikini.
Keeneland vs. Vardaman Sweet Potato Festival
As a regular at Keeneland’s fall meets and a one-time Vardaman Sweet Potato Festival attendee, I can say with the 100 percent confidence that Keeneland is the better of the two. While the old ladies of Vardaman look good in their cross-stitch sweaters, nothing compares to the scene on a Saturday afternoon at Keeneland.
Give me the bourbon and horses over the sweet potatoes all day.
Tolly Ho vs. Beef O’Brady’s, Starkville
Tolly Ho was named one of the Best Drunk Eats In America by Buzzfeed earlier today and you’ll have a hard time finding anyone who disagrees. The Beef O’Brady’s in Starkville, on the other hand, is your typical Beef O’Brady’s. It’s nothing special. Lukewarm wings and celery and soggy fried pickles and stuff.
Winner: Tolly Ho
Disclaimer: I have no idea if people eat at the Beef O’Brady’s in Starkville, but I assume everyone eats at the Beef O’Brady’s in Starkville. Starkville seems like a very Beef O’Brady’s type of town. I bet it stays packed.
Not Living In Starkville vs. Living In Starkville
And in the most important category of them all, Not Living In Starkville takes the crown over Living In Starkville. If you live anywhere not named Starkville, you are winning.