Yesterday, a very unpopular website called Card Game posted an “Etiquette Update For Louisville Football Fans” for its dozens and dozens of readers. “Less than 100 days until the 2014 football season begins,” it read. “Time again to update the rules of etiquette at University of Louisville football games.”
The website proceeded to list several rules to remember when attending football games in Papa John’s Stadium next fall, adding “we’ll keep hammering at them until hell freezes over.”
Whoa! They mean business!
Tonight, I would like to make a handful of minor adjustments to the rules in a feature I am calling, “Etiquette Update Update For Louisville Football Fans.” I simply took Card Game’s list, crossed through the unnecessary language, and added my own.
— Leave earlier to get to the stadium.
Every game will be a sold this season. Pack up the tailgate, be in your seat at kickoff. Tailgate funding is down this season so we could only afford the strippers for two hours and I’d hate for you to miss them. They have to clock back in at Trixie’s by noon to catch the Saturday lunch crowd.
— Don’t cross in front of other fans to get to your seat in the middle of a play.
You are blocking the view of fans who actually care about the game. Wait till the play is over. We snuck this pint of Hennessey in through a baby bottle and I’d hate to whoop your ass for kicking it over.
— Know when to stand or not to stand.
Nothing worse than someone standing up when nothing is happening, sometime affecting several rows of fans. (Hint: If you’re the only one standing in the section, there’s a problem). Stand when the beat drops. Sit when the cops patrol your section looking for who brought the weed.
— Don’t be a negative neanderthal.
There’s always some guy who thinks every play is terrible, every tackle is sloppy, any gain by the opposing team is poor defensive play, and thinks he’s the expert on play calling. You think this is bad? Let me remind you of the Kragthorpe years.
— Limit social, non-football dialogue if possible.
Your long time friends may actually be more interested in football. I’m trying to listen to K-Dogg on the ones and twos for Christ’s sake.
— Limit alcohol intake.
Don’t spill beer on fellow fans. Or your guts for that matter. I’m just kidding. TURN DOWN FOR WHAT!
— Watch your language.
Difficult at times. But coaches, players and officials can’t hear you. Only your seat neighbors who struggle to ignore you. When you talk trash to UK fans on Twitter, remember: their indicates possession, they’re is a contraction of they and are, and there refers to a place.
— Don’t make a big show of leaving before the game is over.
Players notice. Coaches, too, especially those previously suspected of wandering eyes. Let all of the sober fans get on the road first so they can get home safely. It shouldn’t take the four of them too long to get on the Watterson and away from the stadium.
— Don’t wear apparel from opposing programs
(there’s always one or two UK fans) unless your team is UofL’s opponent that day. However, knockoff designer clothing and jewelry is not only acceptable, it is encouraged. If you bought it in the middle of the mall, wear it. If you bought it at the State Fair, flaunt it. Work that Burlington Coat Factory, girl.
— Don’t sell or give your Louisville vs. UK tickets to Kentucky fans.
Even in a house divided. We don’t want them coming in here and classing the place up.
Hammer these until hell freezes over!