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Translating Coach Cal’s practice report

calipari-office

The 2013-14 University of Kentucky men’s basketball team held its first official practice on Sunday, the first day teams across America were allowed to begin team instruction. The NCAA permits two hours of team practice this week and again next week, until the practice allotment moves to 20 hours per week on September 27.

Following Sunday’s introductory practice session, John Calipari uploaded a video on his website to recap his first day with his team. You can watch the video here, then read the translations of what he really meant below:

 

“So, I get off the plane, we had been on the west coast.”

“I sat in the fourth row at the Mayweather-Canelo fight in Las Vegas Saturday night. Man, you should’ve been there. I saw Diddy, Jack Nicholson, Denzel Washington, Michael Phelps, Mike Tyson, Charles Barkley, Magic Johnson, the Jonas brothers, Rick Ross, LL Cool J, George Lopez, 2 Chainz, Kevin Hart, Don Cheadle, Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce and Ray J. Then, when I thought things couldn’t get any better, Lil Wayne and Justin Bieber escorted Floyd to the ring! I was like, ‘WHOA! Young Moolah, baby!’

That Justin Bieber, I tell you what, he may look a young woman but he’s a good kid. Still don’t know why he wore sunglasses the whole time, though. And Lil Wayne, I’m not certain Lil Wayne knew where he was. They’ll both be at Madness this fall.”

“I was so excited that the 15th finally came.”

“Last week’s Breaking Bad left Ellen and I speechless. We honestly didn’t think we’d make it through the week. I called Vince Gilligan, the show’s creator, who I met at a film festival when I was at UMass, and asked if we could get an advance copy of the next episode, but he told us we’d have to wait until the 15th like everyone else.”

“We practiced today.”

“We had a dunk contest today.”

“We have so far to go.”

“Holy sh-t we’re going to be good. Hell, Robic suggested we put a popcorn machine in the Craft Center for when we watch the players do their thing in practice.”

“The stuff I had to go over today, was the stuff you go over the first day.”

“Today was the first day, so we went over stuff we go over on the first day.”

(Puts glasses on)  “This is what you have to do when you get older.”

“Thanks to Dr. Newman and his staff over at LensCrafters. Affordable exams and a wide selection of frames, no appointment necessary. Stop in and tell them I sent you for 15% off all regularly priced glasses and contact lenses. Cannot be combined with any other offer.

“Today, I don’t know if they’re happy, but I’m happy.”

“Kentucky is the gold standard. They’re ecstatic. James Young hasn’t stopped smiling.”

“The shot clock on one end got knocked right off its bearings. That’s how many times we hit the shot clock on lob passes.”

“Marcus, Willie and Julius got this brilliant idea to hide Brian’s shoes on top of the shot clock before practice. So Willie distracts Brian in the locker room with his cartoon drawings of Hoody while Marcus and Julius each get one of Brian’s shoes. Then they went out there and jumped, not threw, but JUMPED up and gently placed Brian’s shoes on top of the shot clock. I’ve never seen anyone jump like that. Well, Brian came out, saw the shoes, and he and a couple other guys spent 15 minutes throwing balls at the clock until they finally knocked them both down. Unfortunately, the last throw took the clock with it. I think Dominique did it.”

“We’ve got a good talented team.”

“I pity anyone on our schedule. Is it March yet?”

Article written by Drew Franklin

I can recite every line from Forrest Gump, blindfolded. Follow me on Twitter: @DrewFranklinKSR

11 Comments for Translating Coach Cal’s practice report



  1. JJ
    10:44 am September 16, 2013 Permalink

    “The stuff I had to go over today, was the stuff you go over the first day.”

    TRANSLATION:

    “Look. I know you’ve been on campus a little while. I know girls are throwing themselves at you by the hundreds looking for 20 year paychecks. I know they’re pretty, and I know they’re willing. Remember why you came here: to set yourself up to sign a max contract. Girl drama and negative press doesn’t help that. Plus, VD really takes you off your game, so cover it up.

    No guns, no knives, and no running around in cars with people who have guns and knives.

    Next thing we want to talk about is agents and boosters. No conversations are to be had with them over and above how is your jump shot and how is the weather.

    When you remember me and the University while talking to the press, be kind. We gotta keep this train rolling with the ballers coming up after you.

    Also, until you sign your max contract, stay away from the drugs.”



  2. RKG
    10:47 am September 16, 2013 Permalink

    LensCrafters!!!!!! LMAO!!!



  3. bbr
    10:58 am September 16, 2013 Permalink

    JJ, I think you have them confused with unc and looserville…except the fact that so few players from looserville actually have any of those folks, i.e. girls and agents, actually interested in them



  4. cotton
    10:58 am September 16, 2013 Permalink

    Heh heh.



  5. cracka
    11:02 am September 16, 2013 Permalink


  6. JJ
    11:42 am September 16, 2013 Permalink

    Pitino’s 1st day:

    “The stuff I had to go over today, was the stuff you go over the first day.”

    TRANSLATION:

    “Don’t forget to bring your thimbles to your needlepoint class. I’ve got your professor complaining about half the team already.

    Here’s a handful of 10%-off coupons from my tattoo artist. Tell him Rick sent you.

    Here’s a handful of 10%-off coupons for Porcini’s. Ask for a tablecloth. No need to drop names there.

    Reece has got a flat bill stand set up just around the corner. Show him some love and help him out.

    You need to be 30 minutes early on game days. Greyhound is always on time and runs a tight schedule.

    Whenever you guys go out for mayhem Friday night, remember to wear your latex gloves.

    If you see members of the media or law enforcement approaching, drop the gold necklaces back into the display case and quietly exit through the back entrance.

    If some lady named Karen gets a hold of you, tell her I’m not available.

    Always plead the 5th.

    Always ask for an attorney.

    Always have an alibi.

    Stay away from the bookies.

    Tell your parents that their check will be ready on the 5th of the month.”



  7. Derek
    11:43 am September 16, 2013 Permalink

    I just don’t fit in with this team.



  8. trey
    12:20 pm September 16, 2013 Permalink

    Gold standard post Drew. Great job!



  9. Linda Taylor
    1:34 pm September 16, 2013 Permalink

    Haha, Cal would never buy reading glasses at an expensive prescription eyeglass place like Lenscrafters. He’s too cheap. He would buy the ones at Wheeler’s Pharmacy on Romany Rd for under $10. BTW, you can get 30% off frames and lenses at Lenscrafters anytime with a AAA membership.



  10. Harry Carey
    3:49 pm September 16, 2013 Permalink

    HEY! THAT GUY STOLE MY LOOK! WHATS YOUR FAVORITE PLANET? MINES THE SUN!!



  11. Mac
    5:57 pm September 16, 2013 Permalink

    Hilarious. Great work Drew.