By now, all of us know him pretty well. He comes around about this time on the years when he’s feeling particularly saucy. When he finally appears from the dark depths of the off-season, he emerges as a monster that has an endless appetite for Orange Leaf froyo and the attention of just about anyone who will listen. It’s a monster loved by many and hated by more. Luckily, he is on our side, so we have nothing to fear. Yeah, it’s about time for us to be seeing a lot more of Swaggy Cal. Swaggy Cal is a fascinating creature, similar to John Calipari, just a much more extreme and fascinating version. There are certain anatomical traits, six to be exact, that are very specific to Swaggy Cal, all of which play a very crucial role in distinguishing this beast we’ve all come to adore.
The most crucial and defining characteristic of Swaggy Cal. Its primary function is speaking, primarily in some form of spoken language although not always. He uses his mouth as a means of attracting his prey which we all know by now is everyone’s undivided attention. It is the source that has produced some of the most masterfully worded phrases the English language has ever known, including. “poop ice cream” and “everyone’s SuperBowl.” Cameras and microphones only optimize Swaggy Cal’s ability to breathe fire in the form of meticulously calculated blasphemy. Fatigue from such copious amounts of speaking is an issue, however. Swaggy Cal must keep his mouth and jaw muscles primed so he can perform to his utmost abilities. As he winds down, he makes sure to talk at a much slower rate. To accelerate the recovery process he enjoys a nice bowl of frozen yogurt to which he adds chocolate chips. The chocolate chips bear no significance in the recovery process, he just really enjoys them.
Swaggy Cal doesn’t need to look good in order to convey his message. In fact, that’s exactly what he wants everyone to know as he carries out his television interviews in a quarter-zip pullover that has clearly seen its better days. Most likely he utilizes this strategy as a means to only increase his swagger for the viewing audience, kind of along the same lines as a forty year old, wearing Rec-Specs, dominating a pick-up basketball game against a bunch twenty year olds. Sure, he may look ridiculous but by the time everything is said and done, he has everyone’s respect. Of course, there is always the alternative that Swaggy Cal just sports his old pullover because it’s comfortable and being comfortable is all that matters to him as long as he gets his message across. But that just doesn’t seem likely.
This is a very subtle but important Swaggy Cal trait. One who walks with their chest stuck out and held high is typically displaying confidence. However, if overdone, a protruding chest can also be perceived as arrogance. This fine line between confidence and arrogance is something Swaggy Cal understands very well and he toes it perfectly. Again, a carefully calculated decision. This line he toes is left up to interpretation for the observer. Some people might think his protruding chest is a sign of confidence, others may think he’s arrogant. Regardless, Swaggy Cal has created two sides to the argument which means more people now care about him resulting in more attention for him to prey on.
4.Freely Swinging Gate
Swaggy Cal’s walk personifies the idea of freedom. His hips swing with each step effortlessly, like a gate who’s hinge has been freshly primed with WD-40. His freely swinging hips work simultaneously with his protruding chest to display a strong, confident strut. Aside from walking, Swaggy Cal’s freely swinging gate also allows for maximum range of motion, so he can quickly change direction and address someone behind him, maximizing the attention he can bring to himself. It is known that Cal underwent hip surgery in recent years, although not proven, I speculate his new hip could be something similar to the robotic arm Will Smith had in iRobot. Indestructible and incredibly awesome.
As we learned earlier, a faded pullover is crucial to the anatomical make-up of Swaggy Cal as it plays a very important role in displaying his swagger in television interviews. Typically, interviews on TV are shot from the torso up so the pants the interviewee are rarely seen. With this in mind, I presume Swaggy Cal wears sweatpants just for the comfort they provide. Additionally, they allow for maximum range of motion for his hips.
The final trait to complete the anatomy of Swaggy Cal is very subtle. His sneakers complete his comfortable, sweatsuit “get-up.” However, look closely, very closely. If you are an observant person, you’ll notice his sneakers aren’t something you’ll find on the shelf at Foot Locker. Swaggy Cal has coached so many NBA stars that I have lost count at this point, NBA stars with exclusive shoe deals that have access to sneakers normal people will get to wear, but Swaggy Cal will. He uses his shoes as a subtle reminder that being “the man” is something he is quite used to. He never says a word about them, unless asked, in which case his response is something along the lines of, “Oh these old things? Karl (Towns) had an extra pair in my size. Prototype design, I think 2 Chainz, is that right? 2 Chainz? Anyhow he has a pair too.” Nonchalant, but Swaggy Cal definitely knows who 2 Chainz is and definitely knows rocking the same pair of kicks as 2 Chainz is the ultimate boss move.