As we count down the hours until tonight’s highly anticipated basketball game between No. 2 Kentucky and No. 5 Duke, take some time to get to know the opponents we will aggressively curse throughout the night. Like those before them, these Blue Devils are very unlikable. It’s perfectly fine to hate them. In fact, it is encouraged.
PROJECTED STARTING FIVE
13 | MATT JONES
Guard / Junior / 6-5 / 200 lbs.
Not to be confused with your favorite Kentucky radio host and Congressman, Matt Jones is Duke’s veteran in the backcourt. This year, he has been forced to play out of position at the point, but he is at his best when he is off the ball, catching and shooting from beyond the arc.
Jones had 19 points on 5-of-6 shooting from deep in Duke’s last game. He cannot be left open.
3 | GRAYSON ALLEN
Guard / Sophomore / 6-5 / 205 lbs.
Duke’s leading scorer through its first two games, with an average of 27 points per contest, Grayson Allen is the Dukiest of the bunch. He is the latest product of Coach Kryskeksheysiski pouring his magical Duke elixir into his magical Duke machine to create the prototypical Duke basketball player everyone loves to hate. With a name like Grayson Allen and the face of an ABC Family sitcom dad, this one reeks of douche.
But somebody better guard him and guard him well tonight.
14 | BRANDON INGRAM
Forward / Freshman / 6-9 / 190 lbs.
Brandon Ingram is Duke’s star freshman the season, entering his college basketball career as the second-ranked small forward in the 2015 recruiting class, behind LSU’s Ben Simmons.
Ingram is extremely long and athletic, but he is in the same weight class as most sorority girls. I’ve eaten chicken wings with more meat on their bones.
That being said, he is really good.
21 | AMILE JEFFERSON
Forward / Senior / 6-9 / 225 lbs.
Amile Jefferson posted double-doubles in Duke’s first two games at the power forward position, but above that, he is looking to become the first player in Duke history to earn All-ACC Academic Team honors in all four of his seasons. Jefferson is already one of only eight to be named to the All-ACC Academic Team three times, and with one more he will stand out among the bunch.
The senior from Philadelphia is also a two-time team captain and his enormous eyeballs really creep me out.
40 | MARSHALL PLUMLEE
Center / Senior / 7-0 / 250 lbs.
There’s another one?! Good grief. Someone get a box of condoms to Mr. and Mrs. Plumlee before they turn the entire world into tall, goofy-looking white guys.
This Plumlee, the 40th to play for Coach K, I believe, has already been sworn into the U.S. Army. He will become an Army officer once he completes his ROTC requirements at Duke in the spring. That’s pretty cool of him.
12 | Derryck Thornton (Freshman | Guard | 6-2 | 175)… A freshman point guard, Duke’s only true point guard, Thornton reclassified from the 2016 class to play at Duke this season. It’s been a cold start to his career from the floor, connecting on only three of his 17 shot attempts, but he will get better with time. And by that, I mean Ulis will eat him alive tonight.
5 |Luke Kennard (Freshman | Guard | 6-5 | 180)… Here’s all you need to know about Luke Kennard: he grew up a die hard Kentucky basketball fan, and he picked Duke over Kentucky. Kid’s messed up in the head. What kind of person knows his father’s pain from the ’92 game, then goes on to commit to Duke? A real Benedict Arnold. That’s what kind of person.
2 | Chase Jeter (Freshman | Forward/Center | 6-10 | 240)… Jeter saw only 13 minutes per game in Duke’s first two contests, providing depth behind Jefferson and Plumlee inside. He was the fifth-ranked power forward in the 2015 recruiting class and he, like several others on his team, has the official haircut of Duke basketball.