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University of Kentucky Basketball, Football, and Recruiting news brought to you in the most ridiculous manner possible.

How Good is Kentucky?

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Hello, Friends. Can you feel that magic in the air? St. Nicholas Day is on Saturday, so you’d better not forget to put your shoes by the stove, fill them with carrots and hay and hope that Black Peter doesn’t steal you! Ohhh…hey. Don’t cry. It’s okay. I’m sure Black Peter won’t steal you this year and Sinterklaas will bring you a pepernoten and some marzipan. It’s going to be a splendid Nikolinje this year, to be certain! Now who wants some roasted goose?

On another note, friends, I don’t need to tell you that the Kentucky Wildcats are a very, very good basketball team. I also probably don’t need to tell you that the media, at least until they start hating us again, is quite enamored with this team and loves to posit whether they could beat a low-level NBA team. In the past month alone we’ve seen Georgetown’s coach comment that we could beat an NBA team, Vegas mocking up the odds vs. the Sixers, Eric Bledsoe saying we could win a game and NBA2k15 mocking up the matchup itself. This is all a very silly question, of course, but it doesn’t stop the age-old speculation and need to pit two distinctly good teams against one another. That’s why this week I ran the numbers through the high-powered supercomputer HUBI (Hypertext Uploader Byte Interface) here at the KSR compound and, just for fun, I ran a few others through as well. We’ll call the piece today “How Good is Kentucky?” for lack of a better title, see what we find out, and I’ll see you here next week.

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The Kentucky Wildcats Vs. The Philadelphia Seventy-Sixers
Winner: The Kentucky Wildcats
Score: 98-73
Description: Despite Cal’s protests to the contrary, The Kentucky Wildcats do defeat the 2014-15 Philadelphia Seventy-Sixers by a score of 98- 63 as the Harrison Twins combine for 32 points and Alex Poythress comes in at high-point man with 23. WCS records 6 blocks and newcomers Ulis and Towns both turn in solid performances at 13 and 16 points, respectively. Small forward Robert Covington shot 41% from the field and Michael-Carter Williams turned in 14 points with the rest of the Philly team contributing in small amounts to keep the Sixers in the game, though ultimately losing.

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The Kentucky Wildcats Vs. The 1992 Barcelona Olympics Basketball “Dream Team”
Winner: The Kentucky Wildcats
Score: 93-92 in OT
Description: Almost a hypothetical loss for the Wildcats, a late surge in the end of the second half brings the Cats back into the game from a ten point 76-66 deficit to tie, then fight back and forth until another tie at the buzzer brings a hard-fought defensive overtime. Aaron Harrison has a stunner with 27 points and WCS and Towns play amazing defense in the paint. Ewing (19), Jordan (33) and Johnson (24) combine for an amazing 76 points and crowd in the Metronome is deafening. The highest ratings for a basketball game ever for host network ABC with 100% of the television shares, beating out back to back episodes of TV juggernaut and refreshing Paul Reiser/Helen Hunt vehicle  Mad About You.

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The Kentucky Wildcats Vs. The 1972 Los Angeles Lakers
Winner: The Kentucky Wildcats
Score: 132-123
Description: Despite dominating efforts from Gail Goodrich, Jerry West and Wilt Chamberlain the Wildcats pull together in the second half as a cohesive team to dethrone the reigning NBA Champions in a game President Richard Nixon calls “the very moment we realize that time travel is possible and begin to make plans toward in a bright technological future for the United States of America.”

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The Kentucky Wildcats Vs. The 1984 Edmonton Oilers
Winner: The Edmonton Oilers
Score: 41-0
Description: Hosted in Tabâ„¢ Cola Arena, the Wildcats are at a loss without sticks or skates in this 41-0 drubbing by the ’84 Stanley Cup winners, with head coach Glen Sather graciously pulling all but one player in the final period. Freshman guard Devin Booker is out for the next two hypothetical games with “ice burn” on his upper calf after slipping and falling and Dakari Johnson sits out second and third periods after a particularly vicious and unnecessary cross-check from left wing Todd Streuby. Afterwards, John Calipari calls the game “probably not the best idea.”

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The 2015 Kentucky Wildcats Vs. the 1919 Kentucky Wildcats
Winner: The 2015 Kentucky Wildcats
Score: 201-31
Description: Terrified by the bright light and crackling lightning which heralds the arrival of the 2015 Kentucky Wildcats from the future, the 1919 Wildcats are understandably terrified by the futuristic newcomers, so much so that they can barely break thirty-one points. During the game Karl-Anthony Towns falls on and breaks guard Hubert Blakey’s leg, causing him to leave the game and go to the hospital on the very evening on which he was to meet his future wife and, as a result, his children and grandchildren are never born.

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The Kentucky Wildcats Vs. A Dinosaur
Winner: A Dinosaur
Score: n/a
Description: Trapped in the Triassic Period, the Wildcats battle for their lives against a dinosaur. Although Dominique Hawkins is able to throw a basketball at its eye, confusing it for a moment while the Harrison Twins and Derek Willis hide behind a nearby rock, almost the entire team is eaten. “This one’s on me,” Calipari says afterward. “We should never have gone this far back in time. But it happens and you move on. It’s certainly not the ideal situation but I’m expecting big things out of Aaron, Andrew and Derek going forward.”

Article written by C.M. Tomlin

All I want is a HI-C and a turkey sandwich. @CM_Tomlin

11 Comments for How Good is Kentucky?



  1. KSR Spy
    9:17 pm December 4, 2014 Permalink

    LSU with a nice win against West Virginia on the road.



  2. Dusten
    9:27 pm December 4, 2014 Permalink

    Hahaha, the Cal post-game quotes, though.



  3. CATandMONKEY
    9:31 pm December 4, 2014 Permalink

    Even if you had left out all the other teams, by including the 1984 Oilers , you win.
    Hilarious.



  4. WildFan
    9:51 pm December 4, 2014 Permalink

    By dinosaur, I assume you are speaking of Bobby Knight. I think you are wrong, I think this 2015 could beat Bobby Knight.



  5. bouzoukiman
    9:59 pm December 4, 2014 Permalink

    Well, I know it’s only one game, but Lincoln Riley’s offense ain’t very offensive right now. Has anyone here seen ECU play this year?



    • bouzoukiman
      10:24 pm December 4, 2014 Permalink

      Well, ECU has closed the gap. I guess I was their good luck charm! lol



  6. Finna_Go_HAM
    11:21 pm December 4, 2014 Permalink

    What about a game vs. a team called The Ditkas, starting Mike Ditka and four of his clones, and coached by a fifth Ditka clone? The game will be played at Ditka Fieldhouse and the referees are Mike Ditka, Mike Ditka and Teddy Valentine.



    • buttercup
      7:05 am December 5, 2014 Permalink

      Are these full-sized Ditkas, or mini-Ditkas?



    • Blue_Cat75
      8:49 am December 5, 2014 Permalink

      Teddy Valentine is a BIG Ditka.



  7. Piedma Schwartz
    9:29 am December 5, 2014 Permalink

    cant even hear the crickets



  8. Doug the Prosecutor
    11:06 am December 5, 2014 Permalink

    I think we need to know what kind of dinosaur we’re dealing with. A T-Rex, allosaurus, velociraptor . . . we’re sunk. Especially if it’s the dinosaur from the Toronto Raptors logo since it appears to at least possess rudimentary basketball skills. A giant apatosaurus, though a docile herbivore, probably takes us down with its sheer size and tail whipping action. But I think we can take down a triceratops. Tyler Ulis would be able to out-quick the beast and attack it behind its head-shield.