UK recently announced plans to keep the Kirwan and Blanding dormitory towers vacant for the upcoming school year. The 23-story towers have been a fixture on UK’s campus since they were built in 1963, but over the years, have fallen more and more into disrepair. Demolishing or renovating the towers would apparently cost more than $10 million, so there is no long-term plan for them yet. Until the administration decides what to do with them, they’ll remain vacant.
Well, just letting the towers sit there sounds pretty boring to me, so I spent the day coming up with some ideas on what the university can do with them. Shoutout to Fake Barney for his contributions.
1. Use them for the ultimate basketball walk-on try out
Sam Malone, Brian Long, and Tod Lanter are gone, and while UK has already added one walk-on for next year’s team in Jonny David, there are still a few spots open. Being a UK walk-on is the dream of a million kids across the Commonwealth and it isn’t for the faint of heart, so why not hold a Hunger Games-style competition to find the cream of the crop? Each floor could have a different UK basketball-related obstacle, such as:
- Basketball drills (obviously)
- Dodging jersey chasers
- Who can post the most interesting behind-the-scenes Instagram/tweets
- Racing the stairs against Alan Cutler
- Answering stupid questions from the media while still being polite
- A real life Super Smash Brothers Tournament
- Turning one floor into a giant cold tub to see who stays in the longest
- Reciting the entire first chapter of “Players First”
- Clapping/cheering competition
- Middle of the huddle hype dance-offs
To make things interesting, release a live wildcat in the tower to eliminate the weakest competitors. Whoever comes out first/alive makes the team.
2. Let them decompose for 25 years then use them as a zombie apocalypse training center
The towers are already in pretty bad shape, so why not let nature take them over for a while and then use them as a training ground for a future zombie apocalypse ala “The Walking Dead”? Willie Cauley-Stein is a huge fan of the show and often told reporters that one day, he wants to learn to fight zombies. Once Willie’s done with basketball, invite him to run the “Willie Cauley-Stein Center for Fighting Zombies and Making Cool Graffiti.”
3. Put all of the UK fraternities in one and the sororities in the other
Think of how fun this would be. Frat houses are gross anyways, so put all of the frats in one building, one per floor, and sororities in the other. Install zip lines so people can go between the two for parties. Put in cameras and make it the ultimate college reality show.
4. Turn them into a Crazy UK Fan Rehabilitation Center
The Kentucky fan base is the best in all of sports, but we definitely have our share of crazies. To help the crazies “see the light,” lock them in the towers for “rehab.” What qualifies as “crazy”?
- People who email Matt more than three times per week
- People who call into Calipari’s radio show to complain or tell him how to coach
- Anyone who complains about autograph tours
- Actually, anyone who still writes letters to the editor
- KSR comment section trolls
- Anyone who wants to “FARRRR CAL”
To give the crazies perspective, put TVs in each room and play all of the Billy Gillispie games on loop.
5. Sell them to KSR for our new headquarters
Sure, they’d need some major renovations, but our sponsors can help us out with that, right? Wendy’s, Boone’s Butcher Shop, and Sleep Outfitters could all open up shop, and we could make at least one of the towers into an entertainment complex for fans. Fake Barney can run the daycare, Shannon could host booty-shaking contests, Drew could open a bar, Ally and Fake David Beckham could give soccer lessons, Josephine could run a chicken and dumplings restaurant, I could finally have an apartment to stay in when I come in for games…the possibilities are endless.
6. Give one floor to each UK player in the pros
In the Calipari Era, former players returning to campus has become an annual tradition. As a way to say thank you, why not give each UK player drafted a floor of the towers? There are 23 floors in each, 46 total. If all seven players are drafted this summer, there will be 25 UK basketball players in the pros, so give some to the NFL Cats as well. Renovations shouldn’t be a problem since they all make pretty good money.
Doron Lamb may not be in the NBA anymore, but he was part of a National Championship team and he’s hilarious, so give him a penthouse. Can you imagine the parties? Who up? Doron up, up in the penthouse, girl.
7. Turn them into Haunted Towers
Between the football and basketball programs, we have enough ghosts to fill up more than two towers. Billy Gillispie probably needs something to do, so invite him to be the resident ghost. Not spooky enough? Play Kentucky Joe over the intercom 24/7.
8. Win #9 and burn them down
Couch fires are so 2012.