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10 Things That Might Actually Beat Kentucky

Photo by Chet White | UK Athletics

Photo by Chet White | UK Athletics

Photo by Chet White | UK Athletics

Today, ESPN aired a thirty-minute special entitled “How to Beat Kentucky.” For a half hour, a panel of college basketball experts including Dino Gaudio, Seth Greenberg, Andy Katz, and Jay Williams batted around ideas on how to beat the Cats, including “gain more possessions,” “take and make threes,” and “score in transition.” Even then, they concluded that it probably can’t be done, the Cats will go 40-0.

No offense to the ESPN folks, but I think they forgot a few items on their “blueprint” to beat the Cats. Here are just a few I came up with this afternoon, accompanied by the Cal “Worried MEATER” to show just how concerned John Calipari should be about these potential problems. Because, you know, Cal loves meat. It’s true, Erin Calipari said so.

1. The team stays up way too late playing Super Smash Brothers

A legit possibility from what we’ve heard. The team is trying its best to tune out the clutter, and during this postseason run, the best method has been playing Super Smash Brothers on their Nintendo 64. What happens if one game turns to two, three, or four and the Cats are up all night playing?


“Karl Towns may take the fifth most turns in the game, but I need him well-rested and taking the fourth most shots on the court!”

2. The team plane gets lost and lands on a desert island

The flight plan somehow gets rerouted and the Cats have to make an emergency landing on a tropical island…in the middle of Lake Erie? Sure, let’s go with that…where mysterious things keep happening and a peculiar set of numbers keep reappearing: 48-49-51-58-78-96-98-12. On one of the first nights there, a huge column of smoke appears and takes Rock Oliver from the group, leaving Sam Malone in charge of strength and conditioning.


“If Sam’s in charge of conditioning, does this mean I have to put on that headband again?”

3. One player gets hit by a mysterious illness

Oh wait, that already happened with Trey Lyles.


“Ellen, make sure we have Clorox wipes anyways.” 

Screen Shot 2015-03-24 at 2.33.18 PM

4. The team bus gets stuck in a horde of fans on the way to the arena

Everywhere the Cats travel, a huge group of fans follow. At each road stop this season, fans have greeted the team at the hotel and wished them well as they’ve loaded the team bus to the arena. The crowd of fans at the team hotel has grown throughout the season, and with the Cats nearing rock-star status, what will happen if the crowd is so big in Cleveland it delays the team getting to the arena?


“Those people ARE crazy. And they better not have ribbed balls.”  

5. They make the teams play football instead

And even then, we have a 7′ wide receiver. And we have West Virginia’s former offensive coordinator.


“WILLIE! Yes!”

Darrell Bird |

Darrell Bird |

6. Half of the team is kidnapped

Fortunately, that leaves at least one platoon.


“What other team in the country could survive that?”


7. The Da’Sean Butler curse rears its ugly head

Da’Sean Butler’s four threes helped West Virginia pull off what may be the most improbable upset of the Calipari Era in 2010. Butler famously mocked the Cats by doing the John Wall dance onstage and immediately became a Big Blue villain. KSR was reunited with Da’Sean in the Bahamas this past summer, where he apologized for his antics and became friends with the KSR crew, even inviting Drew and Sean (far right) to his house in France because that’s what drunk people do.

While the beef seems to be buried between Kentucky and Da’Sean, will the West Virginia curse rear its ugly head and render the Cats inept from the three-point line?


“I’m honestly not worried about my team’s shooting. Do the John Wall now, Da’Sean!” 

8. They have to face an All-Star squad in the National Championship

Tom Izzo actually suggested this last week. Even then, I still feel good about Kentucky’s chances.


“Nice try, Tommy.”


9. Frank the Tank turns into an actual tank

Wisconsin is considered by most to be Kentucky’s primary threat going forward. What happens if Wisconsin star Frank “the Tank” Kaminsky actually turns into a tank at the Final Four in Indianapolis?


“They’ve only got one tank, I’ve got tanks on a hill!” Screen Shot 2015-03-20 at 4.15.22 PM

10. The other team scores more points than Kentucky does

This is the only way Kentucky will actually lose. meater10

“If that happens and we’ve been the best version of ourselves, I’m fine with it.”

Article written by Mrs. Tyler Thompson

No, I will not make you a sandwich, but you can follow me on Twitter @MrsTylerKSR or email me.

6 Comments for 10 Things That Might Actually Beat Kentucky

  1. jonthes
    8:54 pm March 24, 2015 Permalink

    Now YOU’RE doing it.

  2. Freebigbluemadness
    11:22 pm March 24, 2015 Permalink

    “MEAT”ER? Maybe should have gone with METER

  3. Freebigbluemadness
    8:10 am March 25, 2015 Permalink

    Guess I should read more before posting, yikes!

  4. millerkc
    3:13 pm March 25, 2015 Permalink

    I’ll take our tanks versus their tanks