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You Say I’m Premature, I Just Call It Ecstasy

Well, you knew this was coming. You couldn’t think that this trial would take place in my own back yard and I wouldn’t be sneaking in to get a glimpse. I’ve joined Matt for some of the festivities at the courthouse this week and think there are some items worth revisiting from Pitino’s direct and cross examination. Children, avert your eyes.

Of all the nonsensical things for Pitino to protect, what continues to make me laugh is his continued spin of how he got himself into this mess that evening. To hear Rick tell it, he had a round of golf, a couple of drinks, and was looking for stimulating conversation. His version: he only stayed at Porcini’s that night after the restaurant closed to finish his drink and talk with a woman he hadn’t previously met about…well, he never really said. After $500 worth of drinks, what do you think ole Rick was wanting to discuss? Was she telling him her thoughts on Keynesian economics or, just maybe, do you think he was curious to hear about her ability to suck a watermelon through a garden hose? Rick was on a quest for some strange but he refuses to say it. You know, cause that would be embarrassing.

For good reason, Karen wasn’t Rick’s first choice that night, although he wouldn’t say it on the stand. Rick was obviously hoping to have a story about his balls landing in the rough with the golfer from the Yan Can Cook tour. He saw Karen, knew she wasn’t going anywhere, and hoped to get an upgrade before last call. It didn’t work, so the slowest gazelle went down because my man was backed up. He could take one look at Karen and knew her face would just look like a Japanese Geisha’s under a black light. He went for the sure thing, but he just can’t own it. Instead of chasing Pro V 1s and Slazengers around Valhalla, maybe he should have spent some time playing with the big blue balls between his legs and avoided the temptation all together.

Then there was the revelation of the 15 seconds of passion. We know Karen is “experienced”, but the finish time she commanded is still remarkable. I can’t imagine her love puddle able to provide any more friction than your average ice road trucker’s highway. But, much like Nolan Ryan’s last no hitter, she defied age, logic, and physics to create a magical moment. Karen Sypher may have the best stroke this side of Dick Clark and Rick, it even takes Dick longer than 15 seconds to count down from ten every new year’s eve. People ride bulls longer than that. In fact, in the time it took me to write this sentence you could have created a life, provided you didn’t create a spooge luge down your inner thigh. You are the Usain Bolt love making. Congrats on that.

Hungry yet? Why not try an eatery that now has to raise its hand whenever the question is asked “which restaurant has to mop its floors with spermicide?”. Outside of accidentally hiring Mel Gibson and Chris Brown to work the hostess station, I can’t imagine a more toxic PR casualty. Good luck selling $30 spaghetti O’s now.

And finally, I need to mention Karen. The one and only thing everyone agrees on thus far in this trial is that she hands out mouth hugs like they’re pennies from the tray next to the register at the Circle K. Only Lieutenant Dan rivals her in the category of amount of time spent on knees. At this point, I am calling on Too Short to step up his game and get back in the studio for one more honorary track. She looks just as off in person as I had imagined and love that she clutches an 8 by 10 framed photograph during the duration of testimony. I haven’t seen it, but I’m guessing its one of her dressed in Wild West bordello gear and was made at Pigeon Forge Old Timey Photos.

All in all, this trial may have provided more unintentional comedy than I could have ever hoped for. Hope to provide you more updates as it continues.

Article written by Turkey Hunter

48 Comments for You Say I’m Premature, I Just Call It Ecstasy

  1. BPsycho
    11:54 am July 30, 2010 Permalink

    Brilliance’ by Turkey Hunter

  2. No! It's Mingue, MORON
    11:59 am July 30, 2010 Permalink

    I imagined Daniel Tosh reading this aloud, and cracked the f*** up.

  3. bbob
    12:00 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink

    If there is any objective opinion journalism in the sports world, this article will be reprinted and / or quoted. It succinctly puts this whole affair in the proper context and intent of all parties involved (plus it is worthy of a pulitzer for the humor if nothing else).

    Turkey Hunter, my hat is off to you.

  4. MJ
    12:05 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink

    I guess Turkey Hunter didn’t get the memo that we’re now supposed to feel sorry for Tragic Figure Rick.

    Funniest. Post. Ever.

  5. kyflash
    12:07 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink

    Literary genius.
    There has been no better story EEEEVVVVER posted on KSR.
    Turkey Hunter has evolved into a laureate of why life is good in BBN and little brother is, well little brother.
    Splooge luge……… Hilarious.

  6. JP
    12:16 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink

    “Holy Cow!” a home run

    best post ever

  7. mcrouch2000
    12:18 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink

    UL fan here. That was funny. Great coverage by the way. Best I have seen so far….really. Still a Rick fan. He didn’t do anything most of us wouldn’t have done if we were in his situation. Doubt many here can say any different. Maybe he should have talked to her a bit more to see how whacked she is. Perfect example of little brain taking over big brain. Reminder for all us all.

  8. Indycatfan
    12:18 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink

    Hunter thank God i drank my last gulp of beer when I read “Karen has spent more time on her knees that Lt. Dan……Dude that is CLASSIC!

  9. Dragonophile
    12:19 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink

    I love the Circle K pennies line.

  10. Markus
    12:19 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink


  11. mcrouch2000
    12:24 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink

    You know who is on the 8×10 frame don’t you.

  12. Cals Cats Fever
    12:26 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink

    Forde will be crying over this piece! But not in the hysterical crying way that we all are!
    “Mouth Hugs”…my new favortite line

  13. CalifCatFan
    12:33 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink

    Excellent, Mr. Hunter, just superb.

  14. BlooBloodRon
    12:38 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink


  15. asdfasdf
    12:40 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink

    OH. MY. GOD. amazing work

  16. uksbiggestfan
    12:41 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink

    it doesn’t happen very often, but when the Turkey Hunter posts, it’s EPIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  17. bluesince66
    12:45 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink


  18. wild7cat
    12:47 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink

    WOW. “Karen Sypher may have the best stroke this side of Dick Clark…” Truly brilliant! Turkey Hunter, you are the J.D. Salinger of my generation. By the way, can someone please explain to me why there is a bust of some guy wearing a top hat and sunglasses behind the judge in the courtroom? I mean, seriously?

  19. OneAndDone
    12:47 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink

    Wow….I need a daily dose of this

  20. OneAndDone
    12:48 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink

    ^thats what she said

  21. CatsfaninFL
    12:48 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink

    This post would have been more helpful if it would have come with explanations as to why the reader is tearing up from laughing so hard at work.

    Fantastic article TH.

  22. catfaninchattanooga
    12:54 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink

    Well done…this post should be voted into the KSR Hall of Fame.

  23. UK Chill Fan
    12:56 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink

    I must join the above esteemed fans and say, “GREAT POST”.

  24. BigCatsFan
    1:15 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink

    I rarely post,but this is some great stuff Turkey Hunter..LMFAO..!!!

  25. wildcatmatt
    1:18 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink

    19) That is truly baffling. Someone please get us a further explanation. Guess the judge has a sense of humor????

  26. bfawns
    1:29 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink

    I’ve never read anything on KSR that summed up the story as well with so much levity! Absolutely the best.

  27. bigbluebrownsfan
    1:33 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink

    Found footage of Pitino at Porcinis that fateful night

    1:47 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink


  29. catty
    1:52 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink

    #19 & #26 That’s the judge in her divorce case, not this trial. But I don’t have any idea why he would have it either.

  30. Redskinboy
    1:56 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink

    Literary genius!!!!

  31. TheWaitFor8
    2:01 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink


    I was going to copy and quote the best line but realized I would be retyping the whole article. This is the best post I have ever read here.

  32. Calipari'sInYourEar
    2:08 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink

    “Only Lieutenant Dan rivals her in the category of amount of time spent on knees”

    Yes! But that’s not the only similarity between Lt. Dan and Karen Sypher…

    Lt. Dan – “I am living off the government tit! Sucking it dry!”

  33. wrestler1851
    2:27 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink

    Is it racist to change Rick’s nickname from slick to Pasta Prematura?

  34. catty
    2:37 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink

    I love this post!

  35. bbob
    3:53 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink

    Sypher’s attorney would be well advised to read this verbatim to the jury in his closing arguments.

  36. WalkersGoggles
    4:07 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink

    I almost think that Sypher knew that she was “in heat” that night and made a B-line to Pitino (Quickie 3 Strokes! that is just funny right there). A woman like that can pretty much nail down any guy with a little booze in them in the right situation. Relationship? no. But 1 nighter? probably.

    The reason most guys don’t get a lot of one nighters is that chicks don’t throw themselves all over them.

    You would think that a guy like Rick would have enough experience with this kind of stuff and have some kind of “24 hour rule” or something to avoid the whackos.

  37. kimmiekatfan
    5:23 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink

    Quicky Ricky Pitino

  38. bluenwhite
    8:14 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink

    Ricky Three Pumps

  39. TheWaitFor8
    9:00 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink

    Ricky Fifteeno

  40. BigBluePappy
    9:45 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink

    This made the rounds of my office. UK and UofL fans alike were cracking up. Young man, you have talent enough to be a comedy writer for someone somewhere, but I hope you stay at KSR! As stated earlier; EPIC!

  41. champs or bust
    9:54 pm July 30, 2010 Permalink

    35)I like it. Pasta Prematura, ready in 15 seconds or less! You can ask for the cream sauce on the side… of your leg.

  42. has anyone coined the nick name “Karen Siphon” yet for her oral male pleasing capabilities? If not id like to lay claim to that one!!

  43. hoganlegdrop
    2:42 pm July 31, 2010 Permalink

    take “care inside her”

  44. bluebiscuit
    7:19 am August 1, 2010 Permalink

    Thanks for reposting this. I missed it the first time. OK, the 15 seconds is causing Rick a lot of grief, but, would we really have wanted to hear that they went at it all night long? Gross.

  45. Crow
    7:52 am August 1, 2010 Permalink

    Outstanding in its field. A rare gem from Jones’ muddled TMZ staff. A hodge-podge of weekend Tiptons minus the old people anger, really. Thanks for stepping up to the plate, TH.

  46. charlesl22
    9:40 am August 1, 2010 Permalink

    That made me pi$$ myself a bit, hhahaha. Thanks TH

  47. Flippy23
    11:47 am August 1, 2010 Permalink

    Ricky 3 squirts doing his version of the stankylegg……

    Karen is talented, no question about that……inducing a 60 year-old man that’s been knee-deep in a $500 bar tab to give up his DNA in 15 seconds is a remarkable feat……

    TH, as usual, was brilliant