Every Week the winner of the “Choose or Lose” Challenge gets to post his own post on the blog. This week’s winner was Mike Jones. This is his post:
Obviously there are a million reasons to hate Tennessee, so this could go on forever, but I will just hit the highlights. As Bill Parcells would say, “No disrespect to the Vol fans, but we call em’ felons.”
(1) Al Gore — When he was not busy inventing the IPod, fantasy football, tropical flavored starbursts, the interweb, American Idol, FUBU, Lean Pockets, fighting beta fish, fat colored shoe laces, the squeeze play, the chariot or Nike Shox, then he was just simply sucking.
(2) Pulaski, TN — Home of the KKK. The Klan was born in Tennessee, which is not surprising, but the fact that it was born in the law office of Thomas Jones, is a little disturbing. Heck that guy could have been kin to me, Matt or in a bit of irony, may be the great-grandfather of Thomas Jones, running back for the Chicago Bears. I hate the Klan and all they stand for, so that is as good a reason as any to hate Tennessee. The fact that a fellow lawyer started it, priceless.
(3) Pat Summitt — Let me start off by acknowledging that this dude can coach. He is a great recruiter and any man that wins that many national championships should have his jock enshrined. I wonder what his wife thinks about him hanging out with college girls all year. I dont know about you, but I think something might be going on between Pat and his players. You know sexually. That shouldn’t happen.
(4) Dollywood — Who besides Peyton Manning wants to go to a place that has saltwater taffy, wood carving crafts, bumper cars, Kenny Chesney, and absolutely no black people (I am sure Charley Pride nor Cowboy Troy are allowed there). I submit no one should be subjected to such things, well except for Peyton, he deserves it. And though this goes against my natural hatred for all things TN, Peyton’s commercials are funny.
(5) Phil Fulmer — This man is the greatest parole officer any felon could have. He gets you out of trouble, lets you play football and then even if someone makes him kick you off the team because you raped, killed or pillaged, then he will call his good friend Bobby Petrino and you get to play for Louisville. Phil is fat and not liked in Alabama because he is a snitch and we all know what happens to snitches. (don’t you guys listen to rap music?)
(6) Davy Crockett — He couldnt hold Daniel Boone’s jock. Boone didnt need no coonskin hat to make a name for himself. He just built a fort and named the town after himself, Boonesboro. Good work Daniel. There is a comment in here about the Alamo, but that is best left to someone with less conscious than myself.
(7) Stuckey’s, fireworks and Cracker Barrel — These three things are at every single interstate exit in the entire state. Although “Starman”, a 1984 film was partially filmed at one if not all three of these locations, that does not make it OK. Although the scene where Jeff Bridges brings the shot deer back to life outside of the Stuckey’s and the firework store is amazing theatrical drama, it still doesnt rise high enough not to make me hate those places. Also there is a little known coverup that took place because of Stuckey’s. The Vanderbilt medical center once treated Roy Acuff for a pecan log that had been inserted in a special area, however that was never made public.
(8) Bruce Pearl — Yes he reminds me of Howard Dean. “We’re gonna go to Kentucky, Florida, Mississippi and then Alabama… AARGH!!!!” He is the slimy used car salesman wearing the ugly orange blazer and when he is not constantly annoying you about something, he is fake baking at the tanning salon. That dude’s skin would make some sweet orange leather boots. And no need for orange dye for those boots by the way.
(9) Neyland Stadium — That place is huge, Tiny E. It is also the worst place in the conference to watch a game. The atmosphere is great, there are a lot of people, but guess what? All those people have to go to the bathroom at some point. My friend went to the bathroom there and came out with three STD’s and he didnt even sit down. The smell permeates through all the tunnels and concourse. It looks like Alcatraz inside and should be shut down.
(10) God Awful Orange and Rocky Top — Rocky Top is not even a fight song, it has nothing to do with the University of Tennessee. If you hear it once during a game, you will hear it 10,000 times. It is the most annoying thing ever. Have you ever thought about the words to that song? Simply amazing. And now onto the worst color ever. Orange. We all know the old joke. “Why do Tennessee fans wear orange? So they can go hunting on Friday night, the game on Saturday and do their prison road-work detail on Sunday.”
(11) Coach K — He is not from Tennessee, but I hate him too.