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Who’s Next?: Cornell Big Red

Cornell University

Location: Ithaca, New York

“Ithaca is Gorges”, according to a popular t-shirt slogan.  Recently, Ithaca’s gorges are known for Cornell suicides – which isn’t a good t-shirt slogan.

Notable Alumni

— Janet Reno – a fictional Attorney General created by Will Ferrell for a dance party on Saturday Night Live

— E.B. White – “Charlotte’s Web” and “Stuart Little” author; also wrote the book “Is Sex Necessary?” which has nothing to do with Stuart Little or Charlotte and her web

— Huey Lewis – Leader of the band Huey Lewis and the News.  I think their undisputed masterpiece is “Hip to be Square”, a song so catchy, most people probably don’t listen to the lyrics. But they should, because it’s not just about the pleasures of conformity, and the importance of trends, it’s also a personal statement about the band itself.  HEY PAUL!

— Keith Olbermann – Former Sportscenter anchor and current host of “Countdown with Keith Olbermann

— Christopher Reeve – Superman (No, I’m not going there.)

— Jimmy Smits – Actor that can only portray a lawyer or a detective

Mascot: The Big Red

You’d think a school like Cornell could come up with a good nickname like the Pythagorean Theorem, the Pocket Protectors, or the Virgins.  But no, they are the Big Red. The mascot derived from a song that called Cornell football “the big, red team.”  How lame is that?  The big, red team?  If every university chose its mascot by how people describe the team, we’d have the Davidson College “Stephen Curry’s Mom is Hot as Hell” and the University of Tennessee “Thugs with Stolen Handguns and Cheap Weed.”  C’mon, Cornell.  You’re better than that.

Cheerleader Scouting Report

I see two girls kissing.  Sold.

Steve Donahue, Head Coach

Steve Donahue’s official title is the Robert E. Gallagher ’44 Head Coach of Cornell’s Men’s Basketball.  I can only hope that instead of a bench he sits on his giant couch.  “You wanna smash some fruit?!

The Starting Five

#12 Louis Dale, G
5’11, 180 lbs. Senior
12.6 ppg, 4.8 apg

Dale was the 07-08 Ivy League Player of the Year and is the only starter that isn’t afraid to shower in front of the rest of the team.

#3 Chris Wroblewski, G
6’0, 180 lbs. Sophomore
9.0 ppg, 3.2 apg

Wroblewski borrows One Tree Hill DVDs from teammate Alex Hill’s little sister and loves playing the Super Smash Bros. video game – but gets mad because Mark Coury uses all of the items and stays on the other side of the map.  He also hates when Coury uses Pikachu and just throws lightning bolts.  Don’t believe me?  It’s all here in this interview with Wroblewski. He seems like a real man’s man.

#20 Ryan Wittman, F
6’7, 215 lbs. Senior
17.8 ppg, 4.0 rpg

Ryan Wittman is the 09-10 Ivy League Player of the Year and a threat from deep.  As UK fans, we should fear Wittman because you can never trust a guy that affectionately calls his house the “Dog Pound” – which is famous for hosting video game and “Lost” parties.

#25 Jon Jaques, F
6’7, 220 lbs. Senior
7.0ppg, 2.7 rpg

Jon Jaques has his own blog for the New York Times called “The Quad.”  It’s not as good as this one and will never succeed unless he offends a porn star.  You can also follow Jon on Twitter but why would you want to do that?  You should just follow me instead.

#1 Jeff Foote, C
7’0, 265 lbs. Senior
12.4 ppg, 8.1 rpg

Jeff Foote is the 09-10 Ivy League Defensive Player of the Year.  He’s supposedly going to be tough competition for Demarcus Cousins, but I just can’t respect a guy that loves VH1’s “I Love New York” and watches WWE Monday Night Raw religiously.  Once again, I’m not making that up.


Cats by double digits.  Mark Coury and Mark Krebs awkwardly hug after the game.  Jay Bilas smiles.  Brandon Knight commits.

Go. Cats.

Article written by Drew Franklin

I can recite every line from Forrest Gump, blindfolded. Follow me on Twitter: @DrewFranklinKSR