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University of Kentucky Basketball, Football, and Recruiting news brought to you in the most ridiculous manner possible.

Who Wants to be a Blogger: Contestant #7 Matt Wheeler

**After sorting through hundreds of thousands of contestants interested in being a blogger at Kentucky Sports Radio (now approved by the Sporting News!), we’ve picked some finalists that we think would be a nice addition to our team. Now, it’s up to you, sweet readers, to determine who deserves to carry Matt Jones’ tray in the cafeteria and occasionally pick up his dry-cleaning. Each day this week, we’ll give you two entries and the opinions of our judges. Let us know what you think of each contestant in the comments.

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NAME: Matt Wheeler

As for me on a more personal level, I graduated form the University of Kentucky in August of 1997. Soon after, I moved to Los Angeles to pursue an acting career. After modest success (keyword – MODEST), I was the lead for 23 episodes of MTV’s punk’d beginning in August of 2005 that cracked a few squeaky Hollywood doors. I’m currently developing a comedic sketch show with a few of the guys I met from my days at punk’d…to be continued.

There are a few things that I do on a daily basis…checking the KSR website is probably the first and last thing I do on each day. I think I could provide a unique comedic voice with a Hollywood last that hopefully could interest your readers. I work well with others and would promise not to demand workers compensation due to carpal tunnel syndrome. People say I’m a team player with the interest of his colleagues always in mind.

As for my favorite KSR moment…without a doubt…the first time I laid eyes on Kige Ramsey. I can honestly say that MANY people know of Kige out west from the exposure you’ve given him. He’s wonderfully awkward. A diva through and through…I’m sure of it. I hope to shake his hand one day.

2008-2009 Kentucky Basketball Season Preview

As summer gives way to fall and the winter months ever so briskly approaching, we look towards our beloved Cats and the 2008-09 basketball season. After a full off-season of college basketball and enough ‘Quantum Leap’ re-runs to make my eyes bleed, I’ve more than welcomed the arrival of college hoops. So let’s get right to it!

Billy Clyde looks to build upon an impressive second half of the season last year, hoping to shatter his previous record for wins and Dr. Peppers shot-gunned in a single day. And so…without further ado…my 2008-2009 University of Kentucky Basketball Preview:

I’ll give a brief, yet ‘crunk’, synopsis of each player and what I expect to see during the 08-09 season. I’ll indulge in several Capri Sun breaks during my entry as to avoid dehydration, posting an alert when each break befalls, wanting you, the reader, to experience this entry as it was intended, in high definition blogging.

PATRICK PATTERSON:
I passed PP on campus while visiting from LA last year and although he seemed like a very decent young man, I’m deathly afraid of him and must assume he wrestles the entire team after each practice to simply blow off steam. Thriving on a diet of small children and cattle, Patrick Patterson will have a MONSTER season this year. His work ethic and appetite to get to the basket will assure his place amongst the nation’s best. There was no other player last year who seemed to ALWAYS be in the right place at the right time on both sides of the ball. Patrick is as intelligent and hard working as they come. And if healthy, watch out for plenty of national attention for Player of the Year for PP. His hair is listed at 5’9”.

Jared Carter:
I feel badly for Jared…I truly do. I had hoped, pre-injury, that Jared was poised to break out of his proverbial shell and make a positive impact on the team. Barring a genius ‘coaching up’ job from the staff, I don’t see much of an improvement from last year and from what I’ve heard form my sources close to the program, that seems unlikely for our man with the $4 haircut. I’m pulling for him…

Kevin Galloway & DeAndre Liggins:
Living in Los Angeles, I’ve heard much of Galloway as he played for USC for a brief stint. I’m told, when he chooses, he displays an immense amount of athletic talent. A quintessential defender for Billy Clyde, and while I hear that he’s not as equipped as Liggins offensively, his defensive presence should assure him an ample amount of time on the court. We all shared a HUGE collective sigh of relief when news of Liggins’eligibility came. Liggins is crucial this season and without him I think we would struggle to dance in March. He will handle most PG duties and could be the difference between a GOOD or GREAT team this year.

Jodie Meeks:
Aside from Patterson, there is no other player I’m more excited to watch this season. Watching Jodie stumble through the season last year due to a nagging hip injury was truly painful to watch. He’s the best pure shooter on the team and offensively, the most exciting. He and PP should be the backbone of this team and I expect both, barring injuries, to have HUGE seasons. Could give PP a run for his money for leading scorer this season.

5 minute Capri Sun break. These damn straws give me hives…

Michael Porter:
My sources, who dress in dark cloaks and speak in broken Russian, have informed me that Porter has gained 94 lbs. of muscle in his biceps alone and has grown a small arm on his chin. If he can develop that chin arm, look for him to share PG duties with Liggins and Galloway. Much of the same from Porter this year, with slight improvement in the upcoming season.

AJ Stewart & Perry Stevenson:
Let’s just hope that both can improve upon their momentum from last year, especially Stevenson. But from the chatter coming out of the recent pick-up games, this could take some time. Let’s hope to avoid an Antwain Barber II. In the meantime, Perry will indulge in as many naps as possible.

Mark Krebs:
He reminds me of my prepubescent arch-rival. My archrival and I, we’ll call him Mark, would spend our summer days gorging ourselves on vanilla wafers and canned pineapple juice while playing Atari (that’s right, I dated myself) until cross-eyed. We would then routinely kick the shit out of one another for no ostensible reason. This recurred every summer from the ages of 9-12 until Mark was moved to another school for his parents referred to as, ‘exhaustion’. Mark Krebs, however, is shooting the lights out as of late (maybe 2nd to only Meeks) and hopes to emulate a Cameron Mills-esque career.

‘Razor’ Ramon Harris:
Best open court defender on the team. Any offensive improvement would be icing on the cake. But his defensive prowess will earn him a starting position. I hear he and Sarah Palin are quite friendly and are often overheard bemoaning the upcoming Alaskan winter solstice.

Josh Harrellson:
Nike has allegedly designed a special athletic Jean Short that Josh will wear in all home games. Eat your heart out team ’96…this is the authentic denim. A big body that should bang down low often and relieve some pressure for PP. I think Josh could be a big part of our success this season.

Matthew Pilgrim & Donald Williams:
I don’t know a tremendous amount from either player but their names make me chuckle. I’ve heard that Pilgrim has defended PP quite well in the pick-up games and Donald Williams has raised some eyebrows , knocking down shots and defending rather well.

Darius Miller:
Kentucky’s Mr. ‘Fancy Pants’ Basketball High School player of the Year. Should be interesting to see how he handles the pressure of donning the blue and white. I look for Darius to surprise a lot of people offensively. He will split time between throwing darts at his life size Scotty Hopson poster and holding bi-weekly moustache grooming contests with Brandon Stockton.

So there you have it, my 2008-2009 University of Kentucky basketball preview. We’ll have much more ingenious perspective throughout the week, including my ghastly tale of being stuck in an elevator for nearly 2 hours with a 300 lb Crohn’s disease sufferer. Until then children…leave the night light on.

Evan: Oh, I get it. This post is probably teeming with clever allusions to great time(s) in Louisville Cardinal history, and Ashton is somewhere giggling like a school girl with his giant headphones on. We’ve been punk’d, right? p3ned? Go ahead, send him out. I’ve been waiting to kick him in the nuts since he stole Jackie Burkhart’s V-card, anyway. Either way, great work. A little light on the humor, which is OK. However, the lack of jokes about Violet Bickerstaff and male genitalia may have propelled this one directly over Beisner’s head. Also, how much of a narcissist must you be to date yourself? And where did you go? Was anyone (or anything) named ‘Jill’ involved? And why do Capri Sun straws give you hives? You should get that checked out. Overall, solid work.

Beisner:  Not bad.  Unfortunately, you had to follow two outstanding entries from yesterday, so you’ll probably get crucified in the comments section. 

Mosley After reading those first few paragraphs I was a bit confused because I didn’t think Dick Cavett had the time nor the wherewithal to enter this contest. Anyway, I appreciate your effort, but it just wasn’t for me, holmes. The writing was a bit clunky and the comedy didn’t blow me away. I enjoyed the thought of Michael Porter having a chin-arm and Carter’s $4 haircut, but other than that, not a lot for me to get excited about. Maybe it was an off day for you or maybe I’m just on a NyQuil-induced hangover and would’ve showered you with praise yesterday, but I think you’ll have a hard time beating out some of the others we’ve seen. Keep the Big Blue Spirit alive in L.A., though. Thanks.

Tomlin: Right off the bat, I know two things about you. One, you apparently love Capri-Sun. Second, since you played the lead in 23 episodes of Punk’d, I can only assume you must be Ashton Kutcher. And if that is indeed true, you have a lot more to answer for than questions about this post. I mean, Just Married? C’mon, what were you thinking?

Gotta be honest, Mark. The humor at times felt like Marquis Estill shooting the three — confident, but misguided. And truth be told, there were times, much like when I saw Estill contemplating a three, I let out a slow-motion “Noooooooo.” Otherwise, I thought you had the basis for a great piece here (it would be a great post to compare this team to past guys, to put the newbies in perspective for us), but then I felt like you were focused more on the humor than the content. Plus, I have to tell you, you lost big points at one spot for me — this won’t be the first time Darius dons the blue and white. He wore it proudly as a State Champion Mason County Royal (Maysville represent) and joined the ranks of Rupp charge Allen Feldhaus, Unforgettable Deron Feldhaus, and many outstanding Myricks. Plus, I’m unclear as to why you feel his pants are so very fancy. The Mark Krebs section similarly felt a little off-kilter, as it felt like the joke was the lead, and the Krebs commentary was an afterthought (be careful of making the joke the headliner when you’re doing previews like this. Let the joke grow from the context).

Overall, I think you have good ideas, I’d just recommend letting them flow cleanly rather than trying to force square pegs into round holes. One thing I did think you handled well, however, was your personal writing voice. It felt very conversational, and that’s always very nice in a post. You could kind of look at it like this: you do seem to have a natural humor to you, and it’s great to temper the concoction with it — but the concentration of ingredients in this cake was lopsided. If you progress to the next round, and I do wish you luck because your style is very likeable, try to dilute the mixture a bit. It wont only make your jokes hit more strongly, but it’ll keep your commentary from getting lost in the flow.

Either that, or brand yourself as the KSR “Capri-Sun Guy,” give yourself a catchphrase (like “Whhaaa? Where’d my Capri-Sun go?”), run like hell with it, and never look back.

And tell Demi I said hello.

Matt Jones: This one hurts me a bit. I liked your initial entry and had high hopes, but this was rough. Like a girl two years out of college, wearing a dress from her junior year, this one felt a bit forced. I like the effort, but it was difficult for me to read.

Article written by Matt Jones