**After sorting through hundreds of thousands of contestants interested in being a blogger at Kentucky Sports Radio (now approved by the Sporting News!), we’ve picked some finalists that we think would be a nice addition to our team. Now, it’s up to you, sweet readers, to determine who deserves to carry Matt Jones’ tray in the cafeteria and occasionally pick up his dry-cleaning. Each day this week, we’ll give you two entries and the opinions of our judges. Let us know what you think of each contestant in the comments.
Name: Darrell Jones
Favorite KSR Moment:
1) Intern’s Louisville poem before football 2007
2) Jared Carter Africa Blog
3) Marshall County Hoopsfest Podcast
Favorite UK player of all time:
80s: Rex Chapman, although Rob Lock’s hair and Ed Davendar’s goggles are high on the list
90s: Jeff Sheppard, although Cameron Mills’ game tying 3 versus Dook makes him a close second
2000: Chuck Hayes
Something Unique About Me:
I live in Sydney, Australia and manage a band called Conshafter, allowed me to meet the most interesting & slimy people of the music industry including uber hottie Stellastarr bassist Mandy Tannen.
2008-2009 Kentucky Basketball Preview:
Here’s a preview of some of the biggest upcoming games:
VMI: This lame, updated version of Loyola Marymount rides in Rupp to get the smackdown. Meeks goes for 25+ and UK wins by 20.
NORTH CAROLINA: With an offense like Pop Rocks and Coke & talent like Allison Stokke, the Cur-lina Tah-Heels will be at least a 10+ point favorite vs. the Cats. The Cats are drawing a very experienced Heels team as their first road game w/ the Gameday crew (wonder who Digger’s gonna pick?) The key is slow down the Carolina wings & limiting easy baskets. During the 4 game losing steak, the subsequent wings R. Terry, Wayne Ellington and Danny Green have hurt the Cats with their scoring. Make ’em play half court and we’ve got a Dumb & Dumber “maybe there’s a chance” situation.
Let’s not forget UK has the same number of NCAA Championships COMBINED as Cur-lina and Dook, so tell that’d pop-collar freak arguing with you about how UK has fallen off in basketball to stand down until they can win a few more.
Perhaps Murphy’s Law will strike the Tarholes and it would play out like this:
Upon the opening tip, Tyler Hansborough knocks the ball out of Stevenson’s hands & shouts “you gotta have the hands-bro” pointing to the back of his jersey thinking his cheesy cleverness can front on Perry.
But Stevenson channels his inner Andre Riddick / Wayne Brady and proceeds to choke Tyler (a la Smokeweed Wallace style).
Brawls and technicals ensue with Tyler & Stevenson getting ejected. Harrellson is sent in to make the technical free throws & UK’s got the early lead.
The Cats are hitting on all cylinders down the stretch with PatPat reverse dunking, Meeks making 3’s from the Wilmington on the NC state logo & Porter only committing 6 turnovers.
The Heels in a desparate move bring Worthy, Perkins & King Rice off the bench & the Cur-lina ties the game with 5 seconds to go.
In this “karma’s a bitch world” Worthy gets confused and throws the ball to UK’s Donald Williams, who races down the court for a game winning fade-away layup. Carter high fives Neil Finkleton & Serge Zwikker before realizing he’s on the wrong bench. As the buzzer sounds, somewhere Fred Brown is smiling & Christian Laettner’s mom is still wearing a neckbrace…
And just a final note, although Cur-lina is the favorite to one it all, lest not forget one of my dad’s sage advise when picking his March brackets “It must be spring cause the birds are chirping, the flowers are blooming & Carolina’s choking!” Godspeed Roy, we hope UNC sweeps Dook & we’ll have Lesley Vesser there with a tissue when your season is done.
Now the Cats taking on Longwood is the perfect setup for a Beisner “that what she said” insert, but I don’t want to offend the intelligence of all those Lancers alumni in Farmville. It’s evitable though: since Longwood gets beaten by the Cats (story of my life)
Honestly, I’d like to kick the Hoosiers while they’re down. I despised Marquette before Crean (Amar McCaskell ring a bell to anyone?) but now with Creen joining IU, it’s the most awkward, unlikeable union since Mussolini and Hirohito. The Hoosiers lone senior will probably still be out with a knee injury, so it’s the Cats time to kick these Jimmy Chitwood wannabees around while they’re in Rupp. I want to see UK beat IU so bad, Creen goes crying for a blankie and searching for hug from Dwayne Wayne, errr Wade.
Crean will get IU turned around quickly. IU’s got five championships for a reason & they are one of the top 5 programs ever. I hope Gillispie tells his team like Too Short told Krebs “get it while the getting is good”
MIAMI: The latest Johnny-come lately ACC school to tangle with the Cats. Jack McClinton is a flat out player. Rick Pitino sneaks into the Miami section to scout with his all-white suit blending in perfectly with the Miami fan section (all 4 of them who care about basketball). Krebs goes LeMaster vs. Mississippi on Miami and is the X-factor to victory.
MS VALLEY STATE: Sweet scheduling – back to back.
Prediction: The players struggle early being hungover after the Miami victory – feeling the full effects of the Irish Car Bombs at Molly Malone’s, eating Tolly “superman dat ho” chili fries & getting “loco on the SoCo” at Two Keys. But fear not, PatPat drops in 25 on Jerry Rice U. and Lones “Cheer Up Emo Kid” Seiber kicks in the extra point to seal the deal.
First off, I hate U of L with an infernal passion unyielding. I despise every line beard, fake crunk, gangsta logo waiving commuter student involved. I want the loss to UK to set U of L basketball back to the Stone Age; where Steve Masiello drools on his suit trying to draw plays with Crayons. I want T-Will to miss every shot & be forced to get another tat expressing the pain he feels. I want Patrick Patterson to take Samardo Samuels & Earl Clark to school.
Ahh, little brother. I predict another victory over U of L and Coach Pitiner (that’s how the Union County accent would say it)
APPALACHIAN STATE: UNC-Tweetsie has no chance. Enjoy the ski runs on Sugar Mountain boys & girls! Cats by 15.
CENTRAL MICHIGAN: The Chippaewas only won 2 road games last year, including getting toasted by the Golden Gophers in ’07 by 18. Note, a guy with frosty tips told me Rashaad Carruth sat behind the Gopher bench cheering Tubby on after every basket shouting “you know how we do dawg!” The Cats have another easy win.
LAMAR: Initially I thought this was that kid from Sanford & Son. I loved that show and the theme song was pimp. You could combine Lamont and Lamar Odom, but there match for the Carter & Krebs combo: Cats by 15.
It’s retro night in Lexington and this year Kentucky really goes all out! The fans get free Kyle Macy knee socks complete with sweaty hand prints and the Cats bring Eddie Sutton out of retirement (again) as coach.
Sutton trying to relate to Gillispie’s stirring pre-game speech to fire up the team says: “I believe in a small shot off a woman’s back, the hanging Cuervo & an eight ball, great scotch… I think Lee Humphreys & Teddy Dupay acted alone & opening Emery packages in the privacy of your own home!”
In the locker room, a UK Moshpit erupts as the team races to the floor… but not without a coast as Sam Bowie blows a knee, Ed Davendar loses his googles & Rob Lock’s hair gets tussled.
Sutton leads the team to victory calling the perfect play as Winston Bennett sets the screen for Chapman to curl off of for the winning jumper.
WEST VA / IOWA combo:
Like Lawerence of Arabia actor Peter O’Toole (yes Steve Massiello is related), West Virginia has a history of being close to winning NCAA or NIT championships.
Gillispie wanting to challenge his team arranges with WVA & IOWA to bring out their all-star teams to play the current Cats. The historical game eventually churns a UK victory with:
Ramon Harris shuting down Roy Marble
Jody Meeks outdueling Jerry West in a shootout
Liggins taking B.J. Armstong off the dribble
Carter showing his senior leadership by distracting Pittnogle talking about fishing
PatPat giving Acie Earl a sideways afro flattop with a nasty baseline teabag dunk
Actually, this could be a tough road game since the Cats almost blew a big lead last year to Ole Miss. Kennedy is quite a recruiter and he’ll have no problem getting players if they are influenced by beautiful women. Between tailgating The Grove or being at Keeneland, I’m not sure there a more robust collection of beautiful women on Earth.
The naming convention for Mississippi frat boys is like picking a combination of dead President’s names (Taft, Harrison, Lincoln, Jefferson). Fortunately, frat boy loyalty to watching a game is fickle. I predict UK trails at the half, but fortunately for UK, the 15 fratters attending the game leave at halftime to attend the epic Southern frat rock lineup Dean Dollar Band and Hootie & the Blowfish show on Kappa Sig lawn. Gillispie, desparate for motivation, tells his team to find its inner self & pretend Oxford is the mythical Yoknapatawpha. UK goes on a big run in the second half while Carter goes to lay some pipe at The Grove.
P.S. Ole Miss turn some lights on in your gym… darn it!
Before the game Gillespie fires up the team with an amazing speech: “I believe in the small of women’s back, the hanging curveball, good scotch… I think Lee Harvey Oswald acted solo & your opening your championship banners the first weekend of April!”
In the locker room, a UK moshpit erupts as the team races to floor but not without a cost as Carter reinjures his shoulder & Jason Parker tears his ACL shadowboxing. The speech & new rallying cry “Win one for the Jared” carries the Cats to victory. Krebs throws up gang signs intimating Maze
Although Lofton has graduated, kudos to him for amazing fortitude not to miss a game or make excuses with his battle with cancer last year.
There hasn’t been an entertaining Auburn vs. UK b’ball game since Barkley or that Afroman (“but then I got high”) Porter played there. Considering it’s a boring, late Wed. game on Raycom I might fall… zzzzzzzz… (wake up sometime later) ahh Lebo’s receded hairline… zzzzzzzzz…. (wake up sometime later) Carter’s in the game, Cats must be up by 20 or seeking senior leadership… zzzzzzzz….
FLO-RIDA: Donovan’s recruited his normal group of talented Fembots
Everyone’s favorite Christian “traitor” Dryer look-alike Nick “Catheter” is back. The Catheter shared the Freshmen of the Year honors with PatPat & those two will look battle for Conference MVP this year. It’s seems to be requirement for the Gators to have flattop, Marovich wanna-be guard in their lineup. The Gators will be tough as usual in Gainesville but the Cats win by 4.
Also, I heard hot recruiting news from a guy with frosty tips that Jai Lucas is leaning to Spalding.
The Tigers are my sleeper team for the SEC West this year. LSU will have a helluva athletic starting five and unlike previous years John Brady won’t be adding to the confusion. LSU will add Trent Johnson’s coaching abilities and Tasmin Mitchell’s return to already solid foundation of 6-4 to 6-7 tweeners in Garrett Temple, Chris Johnson and Terry Martin. If the younger Bass brother can play like Brendon then LSU could claim the typical, overseeded NCAA tourney team out of the SEC West this year.
Prediction: LSU will bring back Geert Hammink, Chris “please call me Abdul Mohammed, Stanley Roberts and Shaq, but Patterson puts them all down on the set. Cats by 15.
Evan: Mills’ three against Duke gave us the lead. You lose.
Beisner: Managing an Australian band + My refusal to acknowledge the difference between New Zealand and the land down under = You must look like this. This, my friend, scores you lots of points right from the start.
As far as you post, I didn’t read it all. You had me sold by the time you finished the Longwood preview, which is a game that I must warn you about, KSR readers. I’ve been prepping my dirty jokes since the 11th grade when I found out it was the alma mater of my high school coach (shout-out to Matt Watkins, now at Oldham County High School?). But, your breakdown of the UNC game was spectacular. I’m kicking myself for never thinking of that “hans-bro” line, which was stellar. Also the nearly 22-feet of poor center play that is Zwikker, Carter and Fingleton also made for nearly 22-feet of great analogy. You had some really funny lines, but they never became too much or overdone and what was left was a very, very good post. Plus, I can tell you spent a lot of time on it, which scores you extra points around here. Just look at the evaluation above. Way to go Murray, umm, I mean Darrell.
First off, building on the sublime reference Beisner just made, I have to ask: “How ’bout you, Darrell? You got a rap name?'” (By the way, TB, I’ve been meaning to ask you — is it okay if I call you Mrs. Beasley? I’ve always found that name hilarious. No? Well, just think about it, that’s all I’m saying.)
Next, I’d like to detail the alternate reality of this post. In that world, you used your knowledge of our writing style to fill an entire piece with obscure Australian pop culture references that no one has ever heard of (Patterson is like Damian Callinan of SkitHouse — “I’ll snap ya!”). Then absolutely no one understands it, which only endears you to me more. Finally, I’m defending your post so vehemently that Matt and I have an “H.I. vs. the Lone Biker of the Apocalypse”-style throwdown on the floor of the KSR Compound breakroom, where he stabs me in the hand with a fork, I break a pot of hot coffee over his head, and put him in the figure four until he acquiesces to keeping you in the competition.
But alas, to paraphrase your native rockers Midnight Oil, my dreamworld must come to an end. So here’s the skinny on what you did right, my jolly swagman friend. I thought you had some bottlers in there. Good onya! But I felt it stopped just short o’ being a ripper. Truth is, I felt that you were kind of all over the board on this (though the neckbrace joke is a keeper). I didn’t feel there was enough of a uniformity to each section. I usually try to stick to a rule of thumb that one should set up the sections and try to keep them parallel. I didn’t think you really achieved that here. While it was entertaining, I guess the one big drawback I saw was that it wasn’t really cohesive enough to keep me in the game. A little revision would do this post a lot of good and, without losing a lot of the jokes and great lines, make it more accessible. If I’m being honest, I’ll say I found it diverting but in need of a little cleaning up. If you make it to the next round, remember this: you’ve got jokes, but spend a little more time on your form. That should make your next entry more Crocodile Dundee, less Kangaroo Jack.
Mosley You’re a band manager in Australia blogging for a website about Kentucky Sports. Wow. My guess is no one’s going to top that and I feel incredibly out of touch because I have never heard of Stellastarr and I can only guess that Mandy Tannen is best known for calling people “butthead” and gliding around on a hoverboard. Since we’re all getting our down under fun in, let me say that you could’ve further endeared yourself to us had you correctly predicted that Beisner would reference New Zealand, then made a reference to this year’s LSU team getting caught up in “Tas-mania”, thus completing the former British colonies in the south pacific triumvirate. Also to Beisner: I have no idea who the person in that picture is. Now enough fun, “It’s Biz-nass…it’s Biz-nass TIME!” Nice job. I particularly liked that you didn’t spell out every joke for the audience. I like to generally trust the audience and let them get themselves to the joke without being explicit as to what they’re supposed to get. The challenge is that not everyone will get the references or the underlying comedy and you have to be OK with that. Overall, a bit uneven with the inconsistent use of the “former players playing” device. I would have liked to have seen you either stick with this format throughout (good luck with MS Valley State), or just use it once, then leave it. It just seemed that you kept going back to this well, long after it had dried. Also, I liked the idea of taking the Bull Durham quote and changing it to reflect the situation, but it lost some luster when you came back afterwards and used the real quote. For me, it diminished the originality of the first usage and brought down the post a little. Good stuff, however, with the references and parallels between UNC’s offense and Pop Rocks/Coke and Ole Miss frat boys and last names of dead presidents. The latter made me laugh and is a fine insight. I hope we get to see more of you and you’ve definitely proven you have some chops.
PS: Lucky for you the Turkey Hunter is too lazy to critique of he would have surely called you out on giving credit to the Intern for TH’s poem that got Lachlan McClain suspended. The Intern did, however, make a legendary post that same week entitled, “Anatomy of a Card Fan”. Look it up, it’s stellar–just not Stellastarr.
Matt Jones: I love that you are in Australia. Kind of uneven….parts were funny, parts were weak. I am a fan of your potential, but you better bring it harder next round….if there is a next round for you…..cue the ominous music.