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University of Kentucky Basketball, Football, and Recruiting news brought to you in the most ridiculous manner possible.

Who Wants to be a Blogger: Contestant #5 Tyler Thompson (The Female Version)

**After sorting through hundreds of thousands of contestants interested in being a blogger at Kentucky Sports Radio (now approved by the Sporting News!), we’ve picked some finalists that we think would be a nice addition to our team. Now, it’s up to you, sweet readers, to determine who deserves to carry Matt Jones’ tray in the cafeteria and occasionally pick up his dry-cleaning. Each day this week, we’ll give you two entries and the opinions of our judges. Let us know what you think of each contestant in the comments.

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not Tyler Thompson

Name: Tyler Thompson

Favorite KSR Moment: I’ve been listening to you guys since the podcasts started, so this is a tough one. Since I’m a huge Woo fan, I would have to say the infamous gummy bears interview. I listened to it while I was at work, and laughed so hard that I’m pretty sure my coworkers thought I was slightly retarded. But, I love all the old podcasts, especially the Marshall County Hoops Fest one, when Hubby attempted to interview Bill Keightley. Another memorable KSR moment was the Patrick Patterson signing announcement. I have never felt so connected to an online community…man, when we crashed the site, we crashed it together!

Favorite UK player of all time: Football: Jared Lorenzen (best nicknames EVER) Bball: Tony Delk (Retire his jersey NOW!)

Something Unique about you: Something unique…I like to think that everything about me is unique, but if pressed, I’d say my passion for sports and all things Kentucky. That may not seem unique to you guys, but trust me, as a girl, it is. Former UK punter Andy Smith once told me I was the most knowledgeable female UK fan he’s ever met. Oh, I also dated Larry Vaught’s son, Jeremy, in preschool.
Picture you want used with your posts to identify you: Attached. It is a picture of me at the UK/Louisville game last year, just after the crowd stormed the field. It’s up there in the top 5 moments of my life.

10 things Kentucky Basketball needs for a successful season: Tyler T.’s 2008-2009 Kentucky Basketball Preview

Hello, blogging world. For my virgin post (insert joke here), let me clear a few things up. Yes, my name is Tyler. Yes, I am a female. Yes, “Tyler” is traditionally considered a boy’s name. Direct all further questions on this matter to my parents. In other name-related news, I, for one, cannot wait for the sub-Who Wants to be a Blogger-battle, the “Battle of the Tylers.” Bring it, Hall! By the way, don’t you hate it when people call you Taylor? Pet peeve…

Anyhow, let’s get on to the important stuff: the 2008-2009 Kentucky Basketball Season. Instead of rattling off some player bios or listing the important games of the season, I’m going to give you guys my grocery list for this year’s squad, you know…since I’m a girl…and girls love to shop.

10 things Kentucky Basketball needs for a successful season

1. Calcium Supplements

The 2007-2008 season was plagued by the dreaded “stress fracture.” Both Patrick Patterson and Razor Ramon suffered from the frustrating injury, and one can only hope that along with their Flintsones chewables, the whole team is taking a few of these each morning. Or, at least drinking lots and lots of milk.

2. Afro pick for Patrick Patterson

Pat Pat’s hair is growing at the same rate as his expectations this preseason. This is a clear advantage for Kentucky’s frontcourt, as each inch of hair will provide a larger screen for opponents to shoot over, not to mention the awesome intimidation factor.

3. Red Bull for the Blue Hairs

Whether we want to accept it or not, the SEC is becoming a pretty tough conference. It is more important than ever for Kentucky to defend Rupp. And although this subject is as weary as Henry Paulson, it must be approached. I cannot tell you the number of times I’ve been to a UK basketball game and have been told to sit down. This is pathetic; Kentucky is the most prestigious program in the country with the most passionate fan base…it’s time for us to start acting like it. Now, I know that everyone who reads this blog is the exception here. I’m proposing a simple solution: let’s slip a little Red Bull into the blue hairs’ Ensure and Luzianne. That’ll get them off their seats! Or at least they’ll be louder when they yell at us to sit down.
Stock up on Red Bull for the following important home games:
12/31/08: Indiana
01/10/09: Vanderbilt
02/10/09: Florida
02/21/09: Tennessee (4-pack special)

4. Nametags

There are lots of new kittens in the litter box this fall. DeAndre Liggins, Darius Miller, Kevin Galloway, Donald Williams, and Josh Harrellson are all products of Billy G.’s much ballyhooed “Total Team Makeover” this summer. Harrellson and Galloway are JuCo transfers that bring mad defensive skills (see item number 5 for a more detailed description of “Osh Kosh B’Josh” Harrellson). Galloway, an athletic and energizing guard, is currently battling fellow newcomer DeAndre Liggins for the starting PG spot. Preseason “open gym” reports suggest that Liggins is winning the battle, but there’s a long time until November. Darius Miller, the 2008 Kentucky Mr. Basketball, comes to Lexington shouldering big expectations. The freshman has yet to impress in the preseason, but given quality minutes early on, could bring a spark off the bench. The biggest mystery of the group is Donald Williams. Not even listed on the official UK roster (yet), Williams signed with Kentucky in late August. Williams will compete with Mark “Krebs Cycle” for Jodie Meek’s backup spot.

5. Starch for Josh Harrellson’s jorts

Don’t underestimate the cutting slice of a finely pressed, starched jort. Along with his undeniable fashion sense, Harrellson brings depth and defensive strength to the middle. Word is that Harrellson can also shoot the 3. And what is more entertaining (and intimidating) than watching a big man hit it from the outside?

6. Pepto Bismol for the Bruce Pearl induced nausea

Nothing upsets my stomach more than the sight of Bruce sweating through his orange blazer on the bench. While infuriating, Bruce Pearl has rescued the Tennessee program from mediocrity and enlivened the fanbase. It is hard to imagine someone we love to hate more than the orange leader of the Orange (except for maybe Billy Donovan). Like it or not (trust me, I don’t, I live in Nashville), Tyler Smith and the Volunteers will be a force to reckon with this year, although we can pretty much write them off come March. Until then, invest in some Pepto and maybe some new sunglasses to shield your eyes from his fake bake orange glow.

7. Mega Mass 2000 for Perry Stevenson

Poor Perry Stevenson. It doesn’t matter how many Chili Cheese Nacho Burgers he eats at O’Charleys, the boy will never beef up without the help of a heavy duty weight gainer.

8. An olive branch for Rick Pitino…off the court, that is

It’s high time for the Big Blue nation to hang up the Rick Pitino hate. After Pitino’s emotional and eloquent speech at Bill Keightly’s funeral, it is clear that Pitino loves everything about Kentucky, and truly regrets leaving. Although his move to Louisville still stings, I’m putting my “Benedictino” sign in the closet. Plus, years of dealing with the ‘Ville’s thugs have served as an adequate punishment, forming deep wrinkles and grey hairs on Rick’s overly styled head. However, don’t hang up the Louisville hate. Ranked in most analysts’ preseason Top 10’s, the birds with teeth will be a formidable foe this year, especially at Freedom Hall.

9. The Proverbial Pint of Maker’s Mark for the UNC game

Let me preface this by saying that I really hate North Carolina. I went to school in that state (put your torches down, not in Chapel Hill. I went to Davidson, and no, I don’t know Stephen Curry) and have seen enough baby blue and argyle to last me a lifetime. But, I’ll admit, UNC is good. “Booby Eyes” Hansbrough is a force. And last year’s game was simply painful…hearing the announcers spin the game as a “moral victory” for the Cats was one of the more humiliating moments for me as a Kentucky fan. This year, the Tarheels are predicted to be even better. So, for both Billy G. and the Wildcat faithful, I recommend buying a pint of Kentucky’s finest for this battle, either to soothe your anxieties, drown your sorrows, or hopefully, toast your boys in (royal) blue.

10. Gummy bears and other fruity snacks

We all need a little Woo in our lives!

There you have it! All we need to do to ensure Kentucky’s success this season is go to the nearest Kroger, stock up on these items, and send them to the Craft Center, which, by the way, Razor “Palin” Ramon says you can see from the Wildcat Lodge.

Evan: Taylor,

First of all, I see you went to Davidson, do you know Stephen Curry? Secondly, Andy Smith was just hitting on you, and you blew your chance. Third, shouldn’t you be in a Tim McGraw song somewhere?

As a raging chauvinist, I’m having a serious meltdown after reading your post. It’s…good. And you’re a g-g-g-g-girl. Fret not, though, as I’ve already sufficiently embarrassed my fiancee in NCAA 2008 on PS2, racquetball, and tip-in 21 (holy sex joke). Anyway, I’ve regained my manliness, and I still love the post. Great call with the grocery list. Good, creative stuff. Terrific work.

Beisner: Well, Tyler, I have to say that I’m a little nervous about a girl being in this contest for a number of reasons. Mostly it’s because I’m probably the most likely to be charged with sexual harassment at some point, but also because I’m not sure if we have the money to spring for a separate water fountain. I guess Matt can worry about that, though. But, I have to say that I absolutely loved this post. Everything about it. You took a very creative stance by molding your preview into a grocery list and you included a lot of good info with your witty analysis. Also, I liked the way you inserted yourself (I’ll go ahead and contact a lawyer) and your personality in the post without over doing it. Excellent (especially for someone of the weaker gender) and I hope we can see more of your work.

Basically, I guess what I’m saying is this.

MosleyJust so we’re clear, I don’t think the picture in this post is that of Tyler. Well done. Very creative format, knowledge of the team, and a dry, cool wit. It’s basically just a list like I advised yesterday, but you understand the value of the format and knew to “church it up” by creatively calling it a grocery list and linking it back to girls shopping–something we know they ALL love to do (my line would’ve gotten laughs on the Dick Van Dyke Show). I really liked your introduction as it set the tone for the entire piece and let your audience know what to expect from the rest. However, references to Flintstones Chewables, Luzianne, and Ensure make me wonder if you work in marketing for Proctor and Gamble. I loved the “Osh Kosh B’Josh” reference and the “Krebs Cycle” mention. Also, I happened to form an absurd mental image of people actually carrying torches to burn you alive, then hearing you went to Davidson, then laying them down, turning around, and walking off murmuring to themselves. For some reason that is hilarious to me and I’m not sure if you’re to blame or my sad little sense of humor is. The ONLY thing that I might like to see an improvement on would be your concluding paragraph. I thought that you had a chance there to really finish up a strong post with something that would separate you from the pack. As it is, it was a highly entertaining post and you are currently in the top tier, but you’re not alone. I look forward to hearing more.

Tomlin: First off, Tyler, I saw the email you sent accompanying this post and allow me to say yes, I do know your brother-in-law. We lived next door to one another my junior year, and he’s good people. Tell him I say hello.

However, don’t mistake such six-degree nepotism with the fact that I really enjoyed the piece. Though I’m skeptical as to whether you’re really a girl or not, since your post wasn’t centered around unicorns and hairstyles, I will say I wish I’d thought of the Krebs Cycle — fantastic. Overall, you committed to the idea and followed through. And you’ve done something I haven’t seen any other contestants do yet: you found a path that was unique, rather than stick with previews or player profiles. Sure, in some ways you performed the latter trickery, but it worked within the context of a bigger universal schtick. I love it when a plan comes together.

Good sense of humor, good use of language. I have a feeling you’ll likely make it into the next round, and I’m interested to see what you bring back. I like that you don’t reach too far for the joke, but the jokes shake out of the content. That’s nice. I hope you’re ready, however, for countless references to you being a girl in the message boards (good, bad and probably creepy from time to time). Thick skin is key. To test this, I’ll throw out a comment to you that I actually received once on a post I wrote: Die, Die, [Tyler], and burn in hell.

Did that bother you? No? Well, you’re good to go, then.

Matt Jones: Tyler is one of two ladies in the competition and she showed with this post why she made it. She is a strong contestant, who is both funny and knowledgable, all the while admitting that she will cook meals and clean the KSR house. That makes for quite a contender. Nice first effort.

Article written by Matt Jones