**After sorting through hundreds of thousands of contestants interested in being a blogger at Kentucky Sports Radio (now approved by the Sporting News!), we’ve picked some finalists that we think would be a nice addition to our team. Now, it’s up to you, sweet readers, to determine who deserves to carry Matt Jones’ tray in the cafeteria and occasionally pick up his dry-cleaning. Each day this week, we’ll give you two entries and the opinions of our judges. Let us know what you think of each contestant in the comments.
Name: Brant Welch
Something Interesting About You: I have a Web block at work, so sometimes I have to sneak across the street with my I Touch to get updates during the day. In my past life, I covered prep and college sports.
2008-09 UK Basketball Preview
By The TDD (Token Domesticated Dude)
UK men’s basketball is back in a big way this season.
Not necessarily in terms of wins/losses or potential for post-season success, but in the sheer size of the roster. Father Flanagan never met a bad boy. Billy Clyde never met a boy, good or bad, he didn’t consider putting on the team.
UK hoops is putting Nebraska football’s walk-on tradition to shame. The prerequisite for getting your place in UK basketball lore these days is pretty much showing up at Memorial Coliseum with rubber-souled shoes and a semi-detectable pulse. This just in: UK has just added 25 guys from its upcoming Kentucky Basketball Academy to the team. Joe here with the mean jump (?) hook is the backup (to the fifth power) to the backup to the backup power forward.
China is growing at a slower rate than the UK men’s basketball team. I’m not saying just anyone can be a player for UK this season, but making the squad is easier than Pam Anderson after you’ve told her you’re with the band. UK’s layup line is going to stretch this season from Rupp, out the Cox Street side door, down Versailles Road just shy of Keeneland.
Bench players are going to be sitting about three rows deep … in upper arena. No longer will you receive a game day program with the roster, but rather a CD with a data sheet. Jersey No. 1207 in your Excel File, No. 1 in your heart!
Rumor has it Bin Laden and his operatives may be hiding somewhere on UK’s bench this season. In election year posturing, Jim Bunning is already accusing UK basketball of socialism.
Now this isn’t to say just because the Wildcats now have their own Census Tract that this can’t work.
Sure, there could be some chemistry issues. The couple of hundred players 55 and older might not understand the lyrics when the hipsters play Lil’ Wayne in the locker room or could get cranky when the channel gets changed when they are watching Murder She Wrote re-runs at Wildcat Lodge. But Billy Clyde is a master motivator. He will bring this team together.
I mean, if every player only averages .01 points per game this season, UK will still tally more than 100 a night. And if the Cats need to employ a Hack-a-Shaq strategy, Billy Clyde has more than 5,000 fouls at his disposal.
And there’s no doubt there will be an intimidation factor. Can you imagine if a bench-clearing brawl breaks out, for instance, at Memorial Gym? This bloodbath would make Custer’s Last Stand look as drawn out as the Seven Years’ War in comparison. It’d be like Andy Kaufman (Vandy) vs. King Lawler.
Instead of a Blue-White scrimmage, the team could have it’s own tournament. It would take about a month. Blue Team No. 12 will face White Team No. 89 in the West Regional in Oakland.
Yeah, I’m pumped about player introductions at Midnight Madness. I’m going to be sure to arrive about 13 hours early so I don’t miss a name.
Oh, and I didn’t even mention this year’s Jayvee Team for those who didn’t make varsity …
Evan: You stuck with the number of players theme throughout. Shows dedication. I like that. Not crazy funny, but I enjoyed the data CD line. I’m not sure how many people move on, but I tell almost every person that they will, and that goes for you. Good work.
Tomlin: Nice Job, Brant (loved you in The Big Lebowski, by the way). This was an interesting post. It wasn’t so much the jokiness (though I felt you pulled many good ones off) as it was the way you did it. I read this post three times trying to get a feel for its structure, and ultimately I decided that you stitched the jokes into the fabric of the piece really well. Oftentimes you see the jokes in big red letters (Hey-O!), but your subtlety worked greatly to your advantage here. It flowed really well. The ending was a little abrupt (I would have gone for a stronger closer than leave a “tune in next season” cliffhanger), but overall I thought it was nice and dry. I guess what I’m saying is that it had a very natural feel to it — I couldn’t hear the audible stretching of a literary rubber chicken throughout. And that’s nice. Well done.
Beisner: I liked this. I liked it a lot. If I had to use a word to describe it, I’d go with “smooth” – or “smoove” – because it really seemed to just roll without making me fill with boredom or rage at any point. The jokes weren’t forced and the post flowed together well, making this the Coogi sweater-clad Kenny Walker of the contest so far. It might not have been the most thorough “preview” of the team, but you took an intresting nuance of this year’s team and made it ridiculous and entertaining. I liked this one a lot.
Matt Jones: I am going to be in the minority here, but I wasnt a huge fan. Interesting take and you were unique….but not really all that successful to me. Looks like you have enough support to probably move through, but it didnt work for me.