Hello, friends. How are you doing? Yes, I’m upset about the abrupt end of this season, too. It was rough. I can tell you’ve been crying; your mascara is running. You should touch that up before your 1980’s hard rock cover band show tonight. I know you’ll want to look your best.
Friends, as we learned yesterday seven of our beloved Cats will be headed off to seek their fame and fortunes in professional basketball by declaring themselves eligible for the NBA Draft — which means there’s going to be a lot of talk about one-and-dones over the next few weeks. So I thought it might be interesting to look back at some other popular one-and-dones to see how they fare today, shall we? We shall. Happy weekend, everyone.
Anthony Davis, Kentucky, Basketball
I think we all know how this one-and-done tale is doing. Anthony Davis is not only killing it in the NBA with the New Orleans Pelicans, but he’s doing so with style, grace and humility — making the nation take notice and positioning him to be the future face of the National Basketball Association itself. Of course, we’re all proud of our former Wildcat; and he’s doing well off-court as well, dating a Gonzales twin and making time for fans. A true success story.
Josh Selby, Kansas, Basketball
Bruce Pearl’s least favorite barbecue guest ever left Kansas after one year to be picked 49th overall in the draft by the Memphis Grizzlies, who assigned him to the Reno Bighorns and then traded him to the Cavaliers, who assigned him to the Canton Charge before waiving him. In 2013 he signed with China’s Qingdao Eagles, where he played three games, then played in sunny Zagreb before ending up with a one year deal with the Israeli Basketball League in 2014. Not so good.
Simone Brock, Gymnastics, UTEP
Brock’s small frame and low center of gravity made her a force to be reckoned with during the Conference USA Gymnastics Finals of 2009, where she took silver on floor exercises and landed fourth on the balance beam. While coach Peg Goodman hoped Brock would stay, telling press that Brock was “in no way qualified to compete on a national level yet,” Brock announced she would not be returning to UTEP for the 2010-11 season. Today she works at popular El Paso water park ¡El Agua Grande! as the only employee small enough and flexible enough to climb up into the labyrinthine pipes to retrieve and dislodge lost items from water slide patrons.
Todd Graut, Arkansas, Rifle
When Todd Graut fired a 593 in the prone position during the SEC Rifle Finals in 2010, many called him one of the best they’d ever seen. Grant left Arkansas at the end of his freshman year to “chase his dream,” which he described as “shooting cans, stop signs, animals and bottles which are far away.” According to sources, he has achieved that dream in Weehautchee, Michigan.
Jared Liu, Syracuse, Medicine
By working late nights, paying close attention and asking a lot of questions, first-year medical student Jared Lin felt the program no longer had anything to offer him when he announced in 2013 that he’d be departing Syracuse to pursue medicine independently, a dream quickly rebuffed when a client at his Red Hook, New Jersey office sued him after unnecessarily removing several inches of her trapezius muscle during a routine colonoscopy. He can currently be found offering liposuction in a bathrub of room 209 at the Circus Circus casino hotel in Las Vegas. Appointments available; inquire by phone.
Karen Stackham, Miami University, Foreign Languages
We all remember where we were when Karen Stackham aced her first quiz in German I at Miami University; her mastery of noun compounds really impressed her instructor, Frau Susan Blecher, but everyone was surprised when Stackham announced in April 2005 that she would be taking her single year of German language instruction to the United Nations, where she learned that rarely do German ambassadors announce “I love you” in business, there is no reason to ever ask for the check, and they already knew where the bathroom was located. She lasted approximately two weeks before losing the position. She currently books bands for a German-themed beer hall in Buffalo Lake, Minnesota.
Edward Lawrette, Notre Dame, Cross Country
Lawrette placed in the top contenders of his division as a freshman cross country runner at Notre Dame in 2007 before declining to return to the school in 2008. Currently he is, i don’t know, out there running around somewhere? Probably.