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What’s next, NCAA?


According to their website, the NCAA’s core purpose is to “govern competition in a fair, safe, equitable and sportsmanlike manner, and to integrate intercollegiate athletics into higher education so that the educational experience of the student-athlete is paramount.”

In the corner is a tiny footnote, in 3 point, 45% yellow type, which reads: “Also, finally get John Calipari,” followed by, in 2 point type, “On anything.”

Seriously, what’s next? How can they follow up on the catty 500-win hissy fit, which probably resulted in two armed guards storming into Cal’s office, removing the commemorative game ball, and mounting it above Mark Emmert’s mantle? Well, thanks to a janitor in Indianapolis, who happens to be a Kentucky fan, I have a list:

– Improper milk-to-Splenda ratio in Orange Leaf new low-fat no-sugar vanilla ice cream (Cal’s favorite)
– Excessive number of player and fan pictures outside of the Wildcat Lodge
– Too much cushioning in the bench chairs on the sidelines
– Improper “pimpage” of area businesses on Twitter (although I may agree with them on this one…)
– Calipari giving Anthony Davis’ sister’s boyfriend a penny at a Thornton’s gas station on June 14th, 2011
– Failure to send the NCAA a Christmas card the past two years
– Family dog looks a little too mean and nimble…
– Lack of respect for renowned local journalist and NCAA compadre, Jerry Tipton
Perfect hair Flagrant overuse of hair gel
– Troubling popularity with today’s youth
– Too many free condiments at the concession stands at Rupp
– Fans too smart for their own good

What other inane ways will the NCAA try to “get” Calipari?

Article written by Mrs. Tyler Thompson

No, I will not make you a sandwich, but you can follow me on Twitter @MrsTylerKSR or email me.

45 Comments for What’s next, NCAA?

  1. i'msojonhood
    7:55 pm June 20, 2011 Permalink


  2. flacat22
    7:56 pm June 20, 2011 Permalink

    Overwashing orphans feet to the point of dryness.

  3. Terry Tipton
    8:00 pm June 20, 2011 Permalink

    I’d like to bump into Emmert at a Thorton’s Gas Station.

  4. kyeric
    8:06 pm June 20, 2011 Permalink

    Improper mentorship to Derrick Rose during his MVP game while in Chicago. NCAA is considering the death penalty that will ban the Chicago Bulls from any and all future collegiate tournaments.

  5. Buckets
    8:09 pm June 20, 2011 Permalink

    Raising excessive amounts of money for Haiti. He raised $32k too much and will henceforth be permananently inelligible to coach.

  6. UKBBisbetterthansex
    8:13 pm June 20, 2011 Permalink

    Unfair competitive edge in recruiting (in reference to so many Cal recruits in the NBA).

  7. Hmmmmm
    8:14 pm June 20, 2011 Permalink

    Use of rupp arena to inflate attendance numbers.

  8. bigbluedude
    8:27 pm June 20, 2011 Permalink

    i bet if emmert would’nt suck one, he’d sure drag a long, slow, kiss across it

  9. slicky ricky
    8:29 pm June 20, 2011 Permalink

    -calipari not pronouncing his name cali-pear-ee
    -for not having awkwardly colored eyebrows in comparison to hair color
    -for wiggling his dong in an excess of four times per pee. the ncaa says only 2.
    -for putting mustard on the bun of the hot dog rather than by the strict ncaa rule which states ‘all condiments must be place on the wiener, unless the said wiener is a johnsonville brat’

  10. Myron Piggie
    8:32 pm June 20, 2011 Permalink

    I gave Corey Maggette money and the NCAA (Duke) neva did nothin’

  11. Lisa Mac
    8:36 pm June 20, 2011 Permalink

    Weapons of mass destruction hidden in tool shed.

  12. Terry Tipton
    8:44 pm June 20, 2011 Permalink

    Is that Emmert’s mail-order bride?

  13. Mack
    8:52 pm June 20, 2011 Permalink

    I wonder if the UW community was upset that they lost Emmert to the ncaa?

  14. Joe
    8:54 pm June 20, 2011 Permalink

    I thought they were going to bust us two years ago when the guys were given free peanuts and soda on the flight to Canada

  15. ballplayerstu9698
    8:54 pm June 20, 2011 Permalink

    #5 is right on!! You would think the NCAA would actually reward anyone for doing what Cal did along with others from this state by rasing funds for Hati. Go BIG BLUE!!

  16. ballplayerstu9698
    8:59 pm June 20, 2011 Permalink

    Oh, and I almost forgot my other point.. I’m surprised the NCAA didn’t investigate Jones decision in coming to UK after speaking with Cal right after he picked the Huskies but before he chose UK… I mean, Cal did nothing wrong by calling Jones but we all know how the NCAA is…

  17. Roland
    9:08 pm June 20, 2011 Permalink

    Cal is a member of organized crime. 3 straight #1 recruiting classes has to be organized crime.

  18. Roland
    9:13 pm June 20, 2011 Permalink

    An offer they couldn’t refuse.

  19. ukfastkat
    9:18 pm June 20, 2011 Permalink

    Far too many visits to morning Mass in Lexington giving Cal an advantageous relationship with The Big Guy.

  20. GhostofBearBryant
    9:23 pm June 20, 2011 Permalink

    Outlaw the World Wides of the world

  21. Knobby Byte
    9:27 pm June 20, 2011 Permalink

    I heard Cal had his Dad in attendance at the SEC Tournament, clearly an attempt to make himself seem likable in the eyes of High School seniors and their parents.

  22. AfterDinner Minter
    9:28 pm June 20, 2011 Permalink

    The Door.

  23. tebkats
    9:37 pm June 20, 2011 Permalink

    Excessive use of celebrities. Letting Ashley Judd sit too close to UK bench.

  24. Tom G
    9:42 pm June 20, 2011 Permalink

    Interesting connection: The woman in the photo has UK links. She was the chairperson of the Department of Physiology at UK for several years. She is now interim President at the U. of Washington, the successor of Mark Emmert–also shown in the photo.

  25. Hicks
    9:45 pm June 20, 2011 Permalink

    Too much confusion between Coach Cal and the University of. Therefore, when reffering to the man, we all must now pronounce his name in its entirety so that there is no more confusion. When asked his opinion on that matter Mr. Emmert had this to say, “All my notifications of investigations keep getting sent to Oakland instead of Lexington, it’s very inconvenient.”

  26. JackNicklaus
    9:46 pm June 20, 2011 Permalink

    -Holding his hands up too long while riding an out-of-state roller coaster during dead period.
    -Untucked white shirt during a scrimmage. NCAA requires it be tucked in.
    -His vacation sand castle was too big and mighty. Clearly outside NCAA guidelines.
    -He hit a hook when it was a dogleg right. A known NCAA “no-no”
    -Excessive guffawing during the Bridesmaid’s bathroom scene. Public apology demanded.
    -Grazed the shoulder of a person sitting in stands at his son’s basketball game. Tipton is investigating this.
    -Dropped a duece while camping and used a maple leaf. This leaf is not on the approved NCAA list of wipeables.

  27. Phillyukfan
    10:14 pm June 20, 2011 Permalink

    For flagrant attacks on pacific northwest recruiting with total disregard for peers and there recruiting goals…and taking a vile fatherly approach towards players with total disregard to NCAA rules

  28. Phillyukfan
    10:25 pm June 20, 2011 Permalink

    Next calipari and his pacific northwest antics in recruiting with total disregard for his peers and there needs in order to compete…to include his incompetent fatherly approach to his players addressing there desires of making millions and not the ncaa’s needs ( student athlete equals more time in school = $$$$$ for NCAA ).

  29. wildcat_marine
    10:30 pm June 20, 2011 Permalink

    Fans have too much manpower and time to review all infractions if….

  30. Jon
    10:50 pm June 20, 2011 Permalink

    Would like to hear an elaboration on the problem with pimping local business.

  31. Pitino's fetus
    11:04 pm June 20, 2011 Permalink

    -caring too much about the student athlete in their attempt to reach their career goals
    -for having too many tweets
    -for sitting with Kanter in the green room, when he clearly didn’t help Josh Harrelson last season

  32. catfan68
    11:24 pm June 20, 2011 Permalink

    Why is Emmert..aka a$$hole…jousting with Ms Swan from MadTv? I would say that was some form of foreplay but we all know Emmert “plays for the other team”. What a d-bag!!!

  33. Jerald Tipton
    11:25 pm June 20, 2011 Permalink

    Emmert looks like that stereotypical dickhead authoritative figure in any of the college movies where the students try to take him down. Van Wilder comes to mind haha.

  34. gocats
    11:38 pm June 20, 2011 Permalink

    Honestly, who gives a shit.

  35. Kbow
    11:39 pm June 20, 2011 Permalink

    Mark Emmert to me looks like Rick Barnes. And they should both be in line waiting for food stamps.

  36. duh
    11:40 pm June 20, 2011 Permalink

    Who else thinks he looks like a pedophile?

  37. RondosDribblingHand
    1:28 am June 21, 2011 Permalink

    Excessive trips to NBA games to watch his former players.

  38. wd
    1:51 am June 21, 2011 Permalink

    Emmert needs a bloody eagle.( For those unfamiliar with the term, it’s an old pirate phrase from european lore for ripping someones chest open and pulling out the lungs, and that is without any modern day anestetics).

  39. RidgeRunner
    5:31 am June 21, 2011 Permalink

    I’m tellin’ ya…I am ready to go all cammo, charge my rifle, apply black face paint, & storm NCAA HQ. Screw it!

    The talkin’ is over!

  40. RidgeRunner
    5:37 am June 21, 2011 Permalink

    36…I hear ya!

  41. Mammakin
    11:21 am June 21, 2011 Permalink

    – Excessive recruiting success
    – Excessive wins
    – Excessive Popularity
    – Excessive farting – only 2 farts during off season per day
    – Not inviting Emmert to his Christmas party

  42. Jack
    1:29 pm June 21, 2011 Permalink

    Hey, you guys fool with the condiments at Rupp Arena and you’re going to have to answer to me! You ever eat one of their quqrter-lb “dry” burgers? Trust me, there aren’t any extraneous condiments at Rupp.

  43. lagunner
    1:47 pm June 21, 2011 Permalink

    Cal once offered a recruit a penny for his thoughts.

  44. d
    6:43 pm June 21, 2011 Permalink


  45. dogs types
    10:48 am June 22, 2011 Permalink

    Thanks for writing this entry. I really liked it. Keep up the good work, dude!