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Using Twitter: A Public Service Announcement

pacman-on-twitter-rage

With all the controversy over Twitter as of late, it’s time we all acknowledged the elephant in the room.  Technology can be scary for old people!  But it’s okay, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.  With the help of a format I have shamelessly stolen from Tomlin (and yes, I’m well aware that he does it better,) I’m here to talk you through some of the most frequently asked Twitter questions, so you don’t have to be afraid anymore.

Q:  What is a Twitter?

A:  ‘A Twitter’ is a series of chirps uttered by birds.  Twitter, however, is a social networking site that – while it generally fails to create a social network – can often be used to hear the important news of the day.

Do I need a Twitter to see what people are Twittering?

Often misunderstood by those outside the Twitterverse, no, you do not need a Twitter to check peoples tweets (and yes, it is tweets.)  All you need is their address.  For instance, you want to see what Matt has been accidentally texting to twitter instead of his friends?  Just go to http://twitter.com/KySportsRadio

Well, if it’s that easy, why would I need to get an account?

It’s really up to you, but if you get one, it organizes all the people whose tweets you want to see onto one page in real time.  Do you want to know what Drew Franklin thinks about the newest Justin Beiber video?  Do you want to watch Gregg Doyel and Bomani Jones argue about a grown man’s drunken ramblings in Comic Sans?  Do you want to know what Randal Cobb’s favorite place to eat a burger in Lexington is?  All without leaving one page?  Then get an account.  Plus, people can alternately follow you, and you can become a pretend celebrity!

Hang on, people from Twitter follow you?  Like, around and stuff?  This is awesome!

…No.

Oh.

Anyways, as you can see, now you can follow all the Kentucky Media people, Kentucky basketball and football players, former Reality Show contestants, even the President of the United States.

Cool!  I’m going to follow them all right now.  …I’m confused.

Ah yes, the language barrier.  You see, while you were working your job, talking to coworkers, and generally living a less than adventurous life, kids these days have really been inventing their own language.  I know, I know, it can be confusing.  And really, it’s hardly worth it to learn.  But for those of you who must know, here are some tips on understanding those you are following.

Bra = bro = brother = friend. This simple understanding can clear up all kinds of confusion.  For instance “Just chillin wit my bra,” goes from a tweet about hanging out with ladies undergarments (most likely from Tim Tebow,) to Demarcus Cousins being friends with Eric Bledsoe.

Legggooo = I am excited for this to be happening. As far as I can tell, this derived from ‘let’s go!,’ and not a throwback to the old eggo commercials.  Though even I’m not 100% sure on that one, and it’s entirely possible that John Wall really wants Gilbert Arenas to stop stealing his frozen breakfast treats.

SMH = Shaking my head. This is often used as a reference to something that is so surprisingly ridiculous, you can hardly believe it.  An example might be… “I can’t believe I read an entire post about tweeting without a single mention of ‘getting better’… smh”

    Awesome!  Is it possible to talk to other twitterers?

    Well… yes, but you should really only do that if you know them personally or they make it clear that they welcome tweets from strangers (AKA are attention starved media members.)  You can do that by tweeting the @ symbol and following it with their name.

    Oh, cool.  Well, thanks for teaching me the how to on Twitter!  Wait, did you see what that college kid just said?

    Which one?  [Insert any college kid ever]

    Yeah, the one I saw on TV that one time.

    Is he your friend?

    Yeah, I already said that.  I watched him on TV the other night.

    Ah, so… why does this matter?

    Well I am OUTRAGED. I better let him know right now, I bet he will be sorry about it.  He might even notice my willingness to speak up and my awesome profile picture and want to hang out!  And then maybe we can go fishing together and be best friends-

    Here, let me do something real quick… *SNAP*  Some people just shouldn’t have the internet. (Yes, in this example I just snapped the internet in two.  What?  I’ve been on p90x.)

    Let this be a lesson to all you Tweeple out there.  Friends don’t let friends tweet at strangers.

    The More You Know

    Article written by Will Lentz