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Turkey Hunter’s “Interview The C-J Won’t Publish”

Louisville Hate Day 2011 is only two days away, so here is a post from the Turkey Hunter in 2009 to hold you over. It’s an interview with someone “intimately close” to the Pitino/Syper incident. Enjoy…


In light of the recent allegations involving a certain college basketball coach and Generation Y‘s Hester Prynne, I considered it my journalistic duty to forgo my usual Louisville tirade and delve deeper into the circumstances surrounding their now most infamous encounter. To do so, I was forced to go to a source that, literally, got caught in the middle of all this. On the condition that I would only refer to him under the pseudonym “P”, I sat down with something intimately involved in the entire situation for a little Q and A. The following is a transcript of that interview:

TH: I want to begin by thanking you for taking this time to talk with me. Let me ask you right off, how has all this coverage affected you?

P:Coverage“? Seriously, you’re gonna use the word “coverage“ with me? I didn‘t get one bit of a coverage in all this going all the way back to the moment of impact. I mean, the woman is known as the “Louisville Creamatorium”, home of the ice cream paint job and I went there with nothing. Nothing. If it was yours, wouldn’t you have had it wrapped so tight that Dr. Dre would be sampling from it? It was ridiculous.

TH: You still have resentment for the lack of precaution afforded you and that is certainly understandable.

P: Seriously, you’ve seen this woman‘s photo if nothing else- she oozes instability- she has eyes like Vigo from Ghostbusters II. Success may be a choice; sans protection shouldn’t have been.

TH: I’ve heard some sympathizers say that given her “cougar” attributes, it would have been a tough situation for any man to turn down.

P: That is just false- comparing her to a “cougar” is like comparing Heathcliff to Garfield. Both were played out, with the major difference being that Heathcliff was a distant second in every important category except age. Same with her.

TH: Fortunately, this was just a single lapse in judgment. I’m sure this was just an aberration from the normal routine.

P: You honestly believe that? To use a basketball euphemism, he has taken way more than three teams to the final four. Every class of team too- from UCLA to Southern. Brescia if he thought he could. You guys in the media are too gullible. We’ve been through a lot together, but I’ve been telling him for years, just because there’s a coaching vacancy doesn’t mean you have to fill it.

TH: But, to the subject at hand, you had to at least enjoy some parts of that night.

P: Not true, TH. Simply not true. I had an obligation, but by no means did I enjoy it. I mean, do you enjoy paying taxes? I too was feeling the effects of the vino but not enough to ignore the situation I was being thrust into. To this day, I would rather have gone dumpster diving in a Haitian syringe bin than cross the goal line of the a la carte special being served up that night.

TH: But that said, you were, in fact, able to complete the job.

P: That is true- but not with the level of excitement usually reserved for such occasions. Most times, I reek of virility. That night, it was sort of like putting a drunk to sleep on a waterbed and having him slowly vomit out the side of his mouth. Not good. Not good at all.

TH: After all this, can you reconcile your relationship?

P: I don’t know. I still hang out with him, but I’m not sure we will ever work together in the same way.

TH: Thank you for your time.

Originally posted on September 17, 2009

Article written by Drew Franklin

I can recite every line from Forrest Gump, blindfolded. Follow me on Twitter: @DrewFranklinKSR

13 Comments for Turkey Hunter’s “Interview The C-J Won’t Publish”

  1. WTH?
    8:09 pm September 13, 2011 Permalink

    Stupidest post ever on KSR.

  2. Walden Schmidt's " P "
    8:13 pm September 13, 2011 Permalink

    Fam, I can sympathize with you Bra. You should have seen where I spent most of the night.Hang in there buddy, hopefully it get’s better. I can’t just quit. They have pills now.

  3. Mr Schwump
    8:30 pm September 13, 2011 Permalink

    1, True. Pitino looks like he just reached 15 seconds.

  4. Walden Schmidt
    8:34 pm September 13, 2011 Permalink


  5. mocha
    8:36 pm September 13, 2011 Permalink

    Thought it was clever and well-written.

  6. Walden Schmidt
    9:00 pm September 13, 2011 Permalink


  7. Pedantic Parvenu
    9:33 pm September 13, 2011 Permalink

    Bow down to Mr. Schwump for he is the Sage of our times…

  8. kaboom!
    9:54 pm September 13, 2011 Permalink

    got morehead when he couldn’t handle it. & didn’t ask for more head when he should’ve.

  9. Walden Schmidt
    10:58 pm September 13, 2011 Permalink


  10. Sypher's cell mate's F
    8:27 am September 14, 2011 Permalink

    I have been to that place many times…

  11. CCR
    10:54 am September 14, 2011 Permalink

    Heathcliff was waaaay better than garfield

  12. Walden Schmidt
    12:56 pm September 14, 2011 Permalink


  13. boxhead
    1:17 pm September 14, 2011 Permalink

    The “drunk on a water bed” comment gets me every time.