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Top Five Fantasy Coaches for UK Football

We already know he looks good in blue…

Over the past few weeks, we’ve seen a lot of names tossed around as potential new head football coaches, ranging from the absolutely absurd (Bill Cowher, Tony Dungy, Jon Gruden) to “for the love of God, NO!” (Tommy Tuberville, Houston Nutt). While I think Kentucky’s next hire will fall somewhere in the middle, that hasn’t stopped me from creating a fantasy wish list of potential replacements, combed from the best breeding ground of football coaches known to man: fiction.

Since we’re apparently shooting for the stars with this next hire, here are my top five picks from the world of television and film:

5) Coach Klein, The Waterboy

By the end of The Waterboy, Henry Winkler’s character finally overcame his fear of Coach Beaulieu (aka Les Miles) and got back to creating amazing offensive plays to lead the Mud Dogs to a win in the Bourbon Bowl. It’s unclear how successful Coach Klein would be without Bobby Boucher, but if he’s willing to come to Lexington and shake things up with his little green notebook, I’m willing to give it a shot. Who doesn’t love a high-powered offense?

4) Kevin and Danny O’Shea, Little Giants

In Little Giants, Ed O’Neil and Rick Moranis play two brothers who coach pee-wee football teams in the same town. Ultimately, after many hijinks and hysterics, they merge the teams to create a pee-wee football powerhouse. If they can whip a bunch of scrawny misfits into the pride of Urbana, just imagine what they can do with this squad. In fact, for the SEC, Danny’s motivational speech is pretty perfect:

“Well, wait a second, guys. Who said you had to be good to play football? You play football because you want to. You play football because it’s fun. You play football so you could pretend you’re Joe Montana throwing a touchdown pass, or Emmitt Smith going for a long run. And even if those Cowboys are better than you guys, even if they beat you 99 times out of 100, that still leaves…”


And, if all else fails, they can bus in some NFL players for inspiration.

3) Coach Hayden Fox, “Coach”

Craig T. Nelson both looked and played the part of a hard-nosed football coach. Okay, so “Coach” was more about Coach Fox’s personal life than his football team, but in the series’ later years, he earned an NFL job coaching the Orlando Breakers, so he must be good, right? However, that does create some concern about whether or not Fox would stick with the Cats once we won two or three Pioneer Bowls. Maybe if we’re lucky, Dauber would succeed him. He did go on to win two Super Bowls, after all.

2) Coach Boone, Remember the Titans

Coach Boone managed to get black and white football players to play together as one at a desegregated high school in Virginia in 1971. Through hard work, practice, and some Marvin Gaye sing alongs, the team won state, and united a community. If Coach Boone can do all of that, who says he can’t make Kentucky football a real contender in the SEC? It may not be Gettysburg, but I hear Perryville Battlefield is the perfect setting for early morning inspirational jogs.

(Also, just Denzel Washington would also be acceptable.)

1) Coach Taylor, “Friday Night Lights”

Come on, could it be anyone else? Say it with me now: “CLEAR EYES, FULL HEARTS, CAN’T LOSE!” Coach Taylor is the ideal head coach: competitive, inspiring, innovative, humble, and damn good looking in a ball cap. He’s the King Midas of fictional football coaches: everything he touches turns to gold (seriously, in what other world does Landry make that field goal?). If Coach Taylor coached at Kentucky, not only would he transform the Cats from SEC cellar dwellers to champs in as little as one season, but Tami Taylor would be by his side, maybe taking over Eli Capilouto’s position as university president. And she’s pretty much the most perfect woman ever. (I would also encourage Tim Riggins to reprise his assistant coaching role.)

Who did I miss?

Article written by Mrs. Tyler Thompson

No, I will not make you a sandwich, but you can follow me on Twitter @MrsTylerKSR or email me.

39 Comments for Top Five Fantasy Coaches for UK Football

  1. Isaac in Long Beach
    4:05 pm September 25, 2012 Permalink

    Coach Taylor would just use tomorrow’s newspaper to see if we won or lost. Then use that as motivation.

  2. Fish
    4:09 pm September 25, 2012 Permalink

    Al Pacino from Any Given Sunday

  3. I Yell Cartwright
    4:10 pm September 25, 2012 Permalink

    If you want to hire someone that’s not a real coach, why not just keep Joker.

    Too easy?

  4. Bicycle Seat Sniffer
    4:12 pm September 25, 2012 Permalink

    Coach Kilmer (Jon Voight) from Varsity Blues. The dude is an SOB but he won 2 state titles and 22 district championships in 30 years. That’s success right there!

  5. Bicycle Seat Sniffer
    4:12 pm September 25, 2012 Permalink

    3 – Hahahaha ouch

  6. Realist
    4:16 pm September 25, 2012 Permalink

    Another stupid post by KSR. Why don’t we just do a group mushroom party so we can fantasize even more?

  7. Capt Obvious
    4:21 pm September 25, 2012 Permalink

    1) Goldie Hawn from Wildcats
    2) Gene Hackman from The Replacements
    3) Matthew Mconaughy from We are Marshall

  8. Scott in Tally
    4:23 pm September 25, 2012 Permalink

    Coach Molly McGrath (Goldie Hawn) from Wildcats, because that might be about as good as UK can get fantasy or not.

  9. I take things too seriously
    4:37 pm September 25, 2012 Permalink

    Stupid post. Why is KSR avoiding the questions everyone is asking?! 1) Are we getting Trocha? 2) Are the twins coming to Midnight Madness? 3) Is Jon Hood any good? 4) Can we get more shirtless Enes photos? 5) how about videos? 6) will the Cayts win Saturday? 7) is Barnyard a good AD? 8) does Anthony Davis love $? 9) where did Thameltoe go to HS? 10) what happened to Mayt on KSTV?

    We deserve to know

  10. bill
    4:38 pm September 25, 2012 Permalink

    “Gets It”?????

  11. Musehobo
    4:40 pm September 25, 2012 Permalink

    9) Hilarious. Nothing make people look more stupid than throwing witty, satirical humor at them. 6) You are a moron.

  12. tltaworl
    4:43 pm September 25, 2012 Permalink

    7. Pretty sure We are Marshall isn’t fiction.

  13. Tony
    4:45 pm September 25, 2012 Permalink

    Coach Harris (John Goodman) from Revenge Of The Nerds! Remember that speech?!

  14. Hall of fame in my book
    4:50 pm September 25, 2012 Permalink

    12. Nor is Herman Boone. I’ve met him!

  15. yep
    4:52 pm September 25, 2012 Permalink

    I say we hire John Locklayer. Most of you don’t know who he is so i’ll tell you. He coaches summer pee wee football in a small county in Kentucky. His teams seldom win games as they are always out matched by bigger teams from more populated areas that have more talent to choose from. Second, He has no facilities, just a small field that is more dirt than grass. Their uniforms are many years old and are hand me downs from other teams, so more often than not they have put patches with their names over the names of teams that donated the uniforms. You see, Coach Locklayer is used to having nothing to work with, has had no real success, and has no real expectations. He would be a perfect fit. But one thing Coach Locklayer does have is enthusiasm. he is a fun guy to play for. He creates games within games so that his team actually achieves a victory every now and then. Just last month he told his team, “lets pretend that the other team is starting with a minus 50 on the scoreboard.” well wouldn’t you know His team lost 40 to nothing but with the neagative 50 , they won by 10. His team celebrated as winners, went for pizza, the fans,(parents) joined them and all was well in Muddville.

  16. RC
    4:56 pm September 25, 2012 Permalink

    How about Dewayne “The Rock” Johnson from the Gridiron Gang.

  17. Rockfield, KY
    5:00 pm September 25, 2012 Permalink

    13. I like that choice, except then we’d lose to Vandy (nerds)

  18. JoeWalsh
    5:05 pm September 25, 2012 Permalink

    Just hire me, mannnnnnnn….

  19. Who Cares?
    5:09 pm September 25, 2012 Permalink

    #18 – At least life’s been to him, so far.

  20. 44 Stitches
    5:21 pm September 25, 2012 Permalink

    Coach Buzzcut form Beavis and Butthead gets my vote.

  21. 44 Stitches
    5:22 pm September 25, 2012 Permalink


  22. bosshogg24
    5:34 pm September 25, 2012 Permalink

    Bobby Petrino, did he have a tv show?

  23. Bobby Booshay
    5:38 pm September 25, 2012 Permalink

    Gotta’ be coach Kline. “What mama don’t know, won’t hurt her.” (then drop pants to show tattoo of Roy Orbison on his ass)

  24. Kilmers coyotes
    5:59 pm September 25, 2012 Permalink

    The answer is simple bud Kilmer. You can count his district championships. He also has a way with the cops so no players will get in trouble. Give that man a black workhorse and backup qb an things will be just fine. He would have made damn sure that max
    Smith was on that field Saturday. He’s really the only option

  25. edrnm
    6:03 pm September 25, 2012 Permalink

    Coach Beiste from Glee, at least with this hire there will be some form of entertainment on the field!

  26. ahall
    6:15 pm September 25, 2012 Permalink

  27. Joshua
    6:39 pm September 25, 2012 Permalink

    Screw those coaches!
    I want Al Pacino in any given Sunday!!!

  28. Useless
    7:12 pm September 25, 2012 Permalink

    This is useless, not funny, not clever, not ridiculous, not informative. That makes is useless. Please stop posting

  29. Bill Yoast
    8:11 pm September 25, 2012 Permalink

    Herman Boone has my endorsement!

  30. Flyernation
    8:12 pm September 25, 2012 Permalink

    Hector Elizondo as Ed Generro from Necessary Roughness. A 40 year old Scott Bakula at QB, Sinbad on the line, and Kathy Ireland kicking estra points would be unstoppable

  31. Rupp's Ghost
    10:17 pm September 25, 2012 Permalink

    It’s Gettysburg, not Gettysberg.

  32. Ryan
    10:26 pm September 25, 2012 Permalink

    Herman Boone isn’t fictional…

  33. I Say
    11:41 pm September 25, 2012 Permalink

    Coach Gaines from Friday Night Lights (Billy Bob Thornton’s character)

  34. kittylitter
    1:08 am September 26, 2012 Permalink

    No doubt Eric Taylor is the choice if you want to go younger. Plus having Tami Taylor on the sidelines would be amazing. If you want a veteran, go with Coach Winters (James Caan) from The Program. He would have Halle Berry help out with recruiting. Nice!

  35. Kenton Hale
    2:02 am September 26, 2012 Permalink

    What about Lambeau coach Fields or iPod from the comebacks?

  36. Roofus Howls
    6:22 am September 26, 2012 Permalink

    That’s Mr. Coach Klein to you.

  37. Will
    8:49 am September 26, 2012 Permalink

    The coach from Johnny B Good, You want to be a loser, go live in Russia, I’m a winner, I’m American. Who wants to be John Wayne, Who wants to grab a root and hang on? Get a mean on son!!!! Great Movie

  38. TK
    10:16 am September 26, 2012 Permalink

    Al Bundy. He was a star at Polk High!

  39. Honky Kong
    10:34 am September 26, 2012 Permalink

    Drill sargeant from Full Metal Jacket. Someone needs to light a fire under their asses.