Welcome ladies and gentleman to your Louisville hate day. Since I’m such a friend to the Louisville program (apparently a commenter on InsideTheVille.com said “Their hatred of the Cards is disturbing (especially that Beisner guy) as well as their inbred followers”), I’ve decided to not hate on the Cards today. In fact, I want to honor their fearless leader, Tom Jurich. Earlier this week, I was scanning one of the new television channels and came across CardsTV, which was honoring their esteemed athletic leader.
Here is the transcript of the event……….
Emcee: Thank you to all of the loyal Cards fans for showing up tonight and filling the theatre to just slightly above half capacity. We hope you’ll be able to stick it out until the end – or at least a little past the second intermission. As you all know, we’re here to honor Tom Jurich, who has captained our Cardinal athletic ship for just about 12 years now. We were going to start things off with some kind words from Papa John himself, but he’s apparently in Lexington hanging out with John Calipari. So, umm, in his place, we’ll just jump to football coach Steve Kragthorpe, who has been a friend of Tom’s for about 20 years. Steve, come on up.
(heckling and boos)
Steve Kragthorpe: Tom, what can I say? You’ve been a friend to me for a very long time and your loyalty is something I’ll never forget….or forgive. You, my “friend”, have ruined my life. I remember when I got the call to come take over the program here in Louisville and, I have to say, I was surprised. Not only did my mediocre career record make me think I wasn’t worthy of this job, but I was pretty sure that having my t-shirt tucked into gym shorts pulled up to my nipples screamed “do not promote above middle school”. But, there you were Tom. Ready to help a friend out by throwing him into the last season of a once-in-a-lifetime player at a program where the bottom was ready to fall out.
So, at this Jurich celebration, I just want you to know how you’ve changed my life, “friend”. Because of you, when people say my name, half the time they “Crapthorpe” and the other half, they follow it with “how’s my ass taste?”. I’ve had to grow a goatee and then shave it and then grow it again just so people won’t know who I am. My kids legally changed their last names to Petrino. I’m so hated in this town, Rick Pitino won’t even hit on my wife for fear of negative press. Tom, you’re a real son-of-a-you-know-what and I’ll never forgive you.
So, here’s to you, “friend”. May I never have anyone do me favors again and may you suffer the miserable existence of Louisville football for the rest of your life.
(Crowd chants “hate, hate, hate, hate, hate”)
Emcee: Ladies and gentlemen, from one coach to another. Let’s welcome former Cards coach Bobby Petrino!
(cheering and standing ovation)
Bobby Petrino: Wow, was that applause? Man, I never thought I’d hear that in this town again. Good thing our honoree went and hired Captain Turd-for-brains over there, huh? (Kragthorpe shrugs and smiles, then nods in agreement) And Steve, I’m sorry to hear about your kids’ last names. But, just be glad they’re here because a few slight letter changes in that last name and we’d be talking about money for healthcare. Oh, what, Coach Pitino is here? Oh. Well, you he was thinking it. (Pitino shrugs and smiles, then nods in agreement)
Anyway, thanks to the fine city of Louisville for having me back. Remember when you guys wanted to get rid of me for not being loyal? Hahahaha, man you’re stupid. I feel like I’m the handsome, star high school quarterback at his 20-year high school reunion and I’m still handsome and talented and everyone else is fat, bald and poor. Seriously, you guys suck. And you do spirit fingers.
Woooooooo pig soooie!
(a hush falls over the crowd and a few tears are heard from the back)
Emcee: Well, ok. Thanks Coach Petrino for that rousing tribute. Ummm, let’s continue this run through the coaching glory years and bring up a guy who’s won your hearts as a player and as a coach. Please welcome Jeff Brohm.
(Brohm rises and stares Jurich down the whole walk to the podium)
Jeff Brohm: Loyalty. Look it up motherf—er.
(knocks over podium and walks away, staring down Jurich)
Emcee: Yikes. Ok, let’s try to mix it up here. Staying with the “glory days” theme, a couple of former Cards players have some well-wishes for Mr. Jurich.
(lights dim and video starts playing, obviously in a prison)
Willie Williams and Rod Council: (lots of mumbling and violent tapping on the glass)
(lights turn back on, everyone looks horrified, like a deer in headlights)
Emcee: Well, that wasn’t terrifying, was it? Ok…who’s next…hmmm this is interesting. Please welcome fashion expert Steven Cojucaru?
Cojo: Tom, what can be said about that turtle neck that hasn’t already been said about Gary Coleman? Too small, out of date and worthy of a few misdemeanors. You are to fashion what Perez Hilton is to art. And that’s not a compliment. And if you’re going to keep being the turtle neck king, would it hurt you to get a size that fits? I mean, you’ve got man boobs hanging out so bad that I don’t know if I should shake your hand or milk you. Your tenure as athletic director? Ha-ted it!
(everyone now trying to look at Jurich’s breasts, he slyly pulls his blazer over his nipples)
Emcee: Well, Steven, that was certainly a lot to take in. Thank you for that. But, let’s class the place up a bit now and get presidential. Give up your applause for T.K. Wetherell, president of Florida State University.
T.K. Wetherell: I’ll never forget the first time thatI heard Tom Jurich was rumored to be our athletic director. Obviously, my first question was “Who the hell is Tom Jurich?”, which was followed by a new understanding of the stupidity of the Lousville fans. Now, you tell me Louisville fans, why would I want to hire Mr. Overmarket and Underperform? We’re Florida freakin’ State. We have been trying to escape our overmarket and underperform purgatory for nearly a decade now. If you were unable to drive, would you hire Stevie Wonder as a chaffeur? Of course not. Now, should I decide to continue our reputation as a school that gives a pass to crime and puts education second, I’ll certainly give Mr. Jurich a call. But, we seem to be doing ok with that right now. In the meantime, you guys can hold on to him. (chuckles) Idiots.
(walks away shaking his head, crowd looking around nodding in a “why didn’t we think of that?” manner)
Emcee: Thank you President Wetherell for that. Ok, ok let’s try to pick this up now and get the energy back in the room. They’ve been over there panting and wagging their tails, just itching for a shot to come up here and lick all over the AD. Ladies and gentlemen, from the home of “Cards Radio”, the Afternoon Underdogs.
Afternoon Underdogs: (panting and breathing heavily) Tom. (gulps) Let’s just get to the point. Bend over so we can give you a kiss, you big stud muffin, you.
(Jurich gets up and the Underdogs start to move toward them)
Emcee: No, no, no, no, no…..enough guys. Take your peanut butter and go somewhere else. (smashing and loud noise) Are you humping his leg now? (more loud crashes that suddenly halt). Jeez. Ok, I was going to wrap this up, but I just heard Rich Brooks is here. Ummm….Coach, you want to talk:
Rich Brooks: I’m just here to ask Kragthrope how my ass tastes.
(a huge ruckus breaks out again)
And that’s where I lost my feed. I’m not sure what happened after that, but I’m sure it starts with “Rich Brooks” and ends with “beat the hell out of everyone”.