Yes, this is from last year. Shhh. That will be our secret.
Good morning again, my friends! Glad you could stop by and hang out for a bit on this Louisville Hate Day. Late last night, after I finished collecting all the summer photos our buddies at the University of Louisville sent us, I flipped over to that wonderful CN2 channel (of course I get it in Tampa) and stumbled upon a banquet honoring Louisville Athletic Director Tom Jurich. Since most of you weren’t up that late, I figured I’d just reproduce the transcript here. So, take a read and enjoy the first (and last) salute to Tom Jurich.
(three minute video montage featuring 2:55 of Orange Bowl footage ends and fades into a man at a podium)
Emcee: Good evening and welcome. I’d like to start out by saying a big thank you to all of the loyal Cards fans for showing up tonight and filling the theatre to just slightly above half capacity. We hope you’ll be able to stick it out until the end – or at least a little past the second intermission. As you all know, we’re here to honor Tom Jurich, who has captained our Cardinal athletic ship for just about 13 years now. We were going to start things off with some kind words from Papa John himself, but he’s apparently in Lexington hanging out with John Calipari. So, uh, in his place, we’ll just jump to former football coach Steve Kragthorpe, who has been a friend of Tom’s for about 20 years. Steve, come on up.
(heckling and boos)
Steve Kragthorpe: Thank you. It’s good to see the seats full for once. Well, Tom, what can I say? You’ve been a friend to me for a very long time and your loyalty is something I’ll never forget….or forgive you for, you rotten son of biscuit. You, my “friend”, have ruined my life. I remember when I got the call to come take over the program here in Louisville and, I have to say, I was surprised. Not only did my mediocre career record make me think I wasn’t worthy of this job, but I was pretty sure that tucking my t-shirt into my gym shorts and pulling them up to my nipples screamed “do not promote past middle school”. But, there you were Tom. Ready to help a friend out by throwing him into the last season of a once-in-a-lifetime player at a program where the bottom was ready to fall out.
So, at this Jurich celebration, I just want you to know how you’ve changed my life, my “friend”. Because of you, when people say my name, half the time they “Crapthorpe” and the other half, they follow it with “how’s my ass taste?”. I’ve had to grow a goatee and then shave it and then grow it again just so people won’t know who I am. My kids legally changed their last names to Petrino. I’m so hated in this town, Rick Pitino won’t even hit on my wife. Tom, you’re a real son-of-a-you-know-what and I’ll never forgive you.
So, here’s to you, “friend”. May I never have anyone do me favors again and may you suffer the miserable existence of Louisville football for the rest of your life.
(Crowd chants “hate, hate, hate, hate, hate”)
Emcee: Well, that was certainly spirited. If you would have shown that kind of life in those creepy Kroger commercials, you might still have a job. Anyway, moving forward, ladies and gentlemen, from one coach to another….let’s welcome former Cards coach Bobby Petrino!
(cheering and standing ovation)
Bobby Petrino: Wow, was that applause? Man, I never thought I’d hear that in this town again. Good thing our honoree went and hired Captain Turd-for-brains over there, huh? (Kragthorpe shrugs and smiles, then nods in agreement) And Steve, I’m sorry to hear about your kids’ last names. That’s pretty awful. Even you don’t deserve that. But, on the bright side, just be glad that they’re here because a few slight letter changes in that last name and we’d be talking about money for healthcare. (awkward pause) Oh, what, Coach Pitino is here? Oh. Well, you know he was thinking it. (Pitino shrugs and smiles, then nods in agreement)
Anyway, thanks to the fine city of Louisville for having me back. Remember when you guys wanted to get rid of me for not being loyal? Hahahaha, man, I don’t really know what to say besides, wow, you’re stupid. I feel like It’s like I’m the handsome star quarterback back at the 20-year reunion and I’m still handsome and talented and you’ve all gotten fat, bald and poor. Honestly, you guys suck. And you do spirit fingers.
Woooooooo pig soooie!
(a hush falls over the crowd and a few tears are heard from the back)
Emcee: Well, ok. Thank you, Coach Petrino, for that rousing tribute. Ummm, let’s continue this run through the coaching glory years and bring up a guy who’s won your hearts as a player and as a coach. Please welcome Jeff Brohm.
(Brohm rises and stares Jurich down the whole walk to the podium)
Jeff Brohm: Loyalty. Look it up motherf—er.
(knocks over podium and walks away, staring down Jurich)
Emcee: Yikes. Ok, let’s try to mix it up here. Staying with the “glory days” theme, a couple of former Cards players have some well-wishes for Mr. Jurich. Gentlemen, take it away….
(lights dim and video starts playing, obviously in a prison)
Willie Williams and Rod Council: (lots of mumbling and violent tapping on the glass, one of them makes what looks like an “L” with their fingers before turning it sideways and making a gun firing motion)
(lights turn back on, everyone looks horrified, like a deer in headlights)
Emcee: Well, that wasn’t terrifying, was it? Ok…who’s next…hmmm this is interesting. Please welcome the star of In Living Color sketch “Men on Film”, Antoine Merriweather?
Merriweather: Tom, Tom, Tom. What a mess. You are to fashion what Perez Hilton is to art. And that’s not a compliment. And if you’re going to keep being the turtleneck king, would it hurt you to get a size that fits? I mean, you’ve got man boobs hanging out so bad that I don’t know if I should shake your hand or milk you. Your tenure as athletic director? Ha-ted it!
(everyone now trying to look at Jurich’s breasts, he slyly pulls his blazer over his nipples)
Emcee: Well, Antoine, that was certainly a lot to take in. (Antoine winks, the emcee gulps and quickly looks away) Umm, thank you for that. What do you say we pick this thing up a little bit? They’ve been over there panting and wagging their tails, just itching for a shot to come up here and lick all over the AD. Ladies and gentlemen, from the home of “Cards Radio”, the Afternoon Underdogs.
Afternoon Underdogs: (they run up to the stage and then move about anxiously, panting and breathing heavily) Tom. (gulps) Let’s just get to the point. Bend over so we can give you a kiss, you big stud muffin, you.
(Jurich gets up and the Underdogs start to move toward them)
Emcee: No, no, no, no, no…..enough guys. Take your peanut butter and go somewhere else. (smashing and loud noise) Are you humping his leg now? (more loud crashes that suddenly halt). Jeez. Ok, I was going to wrap this up, but I just heard Rich Brooks is here. Ummm….Coach, you want to talk?
Rich Brooks: I’m just here to ask Kragthrope how my ass tastes.
(a huge ruckus breaks out again, TV feed disappears)
Ladies and gentlemen, please raise your glass to Tom Jurich!