People care about a lot of things in this life. People pretend to care about even more. Boyfriends pretend to care about their girlfriend’s day, Louisville fans pretend to care when their team is good, and we all pretend to care about politics the day of and the day after the election.
Whatever you do this March, don’t make people pretend to care about OR assume people care about your bracket. I promise you that they don’t. They especially don’t care if you fill out more than one bracket. Just like they don’t care about your fantasy football team, they don’t care that you picked Oregon to upset Oklahoma State. You know who else picked Oregon to upset Oklahoma State? A bunch of other people, and I don’t care about their brackets either. Raise your hand if you’ve read at least 10 tweets about someone’s bracket “being screwed” or “still perfect so far!” Keep that hand raised in the air. Now move it down slightly and hit the unfollow button. You won’t regret it, and someone else will send out a tweet to let you know when it’s raining outside. You’re good. Promise.
In case you are still of the belief that people do care about your bracket and how it’s doing, let me compare it to a few other things of a similar nature that people do not care about:
*Warning: Chances are that I will piss you off with at least 1 of the things on this list. Why? Because you think someone cares about it and you’ve shared it with them recently. They don’t.
1) Your fantasy football team
2) Your highest score on Temple Run
3) Your Aunt Patrice’s medical diagnosis (especially when you map it out in great detail to them via social media of any form)
4) The size of the child in your womb (especially via Facebook update). Even when you try to compare it to every day things like raisins, peanuts, apples, irons, LeBron James’ hairline, a 40 ounce of Natural Light… No one really cares. And those claymation ultrasound pictures are scary and creepy. And anyone who tells you they are not scary and creepy…well, they are either lying or they are Helen Keller. Or they just posted an ultrasound picture, too! The two of you should hang out.
5) What you ate for dinner… even if you use a cool filter on Instagram. Unless you are sharing it, no one cares.
6) If your child is an honor student at _____ School
7) Your 2nd, 3rd, and 4th “Throwback Thursday” picture of the day.
8) How your new workout plan is going. Especially if it’s P90x. We all know you aren’t going to finish it. Quit now.
8b) While we’re at it… No one cares how long you ran with Nike Plus. My favorite is when people say “I just ran 0.3 miles with Nike Plus.” You didn’t just run 0.3 miles. You walked to your car. That doesn’t count.
8c) If you’re training for a marathon (hey, it’s marathon season…If you didn’t know, you clearly don’t have Facebook), just go ahead and assume that no one wants to hear about anything you have to say for the next 2 months. It’s commendable– impressive even. But no one cares.
9) How good you were at a sport in high school.
10) Your club/business/organization/youth group’s latest Harlem Shake video.
11) Your child’s extracurricular activities, unless they are selling Girl Scout cookies. In that case, holler.
12) Your dog’s favorite human foods. We’ve all owned dogs. Your dog’s favorite food is another dog’s sh*t. Your dog doesn’t prefer fried tofu to steamed carrots. Your dog thinks it’s eating sh*t, because that’s probably what that stuff tastes like anyway.
13) Your vacation pictures. I wasn’t there and the beach picture you just showed me looks exactly like the last 12….hundred I’ve seen in my life. As my friend Brandon Daulton says, “Pictures are like dreams. If you’re not in them and nobody’s having… *ahem*, I don’t care.”
14) Your wedding board on Pinterest. If you have a wedding board, you’re single.
15) Your tax refund, or lack thereof.
16) Your 780 engagement photos. Cool, you snuck on someone’s horse farm and faked a J. Crew ad. I’d like to see the best one, maybe two. That’s it.
17) A Pete Thamel or Pat Forde article.
18) Your birthday. I only care if you are turning 21 or 100. Anything before 21 or between 21 and 100, seriously, way to go. You stayed alive for another year. We don’t need to celebrate for a week. And we definitely don’t need to you to retweet every person who sends you a “happy birthday tweet.” That’s an instant unfollow.
19) Literally anything at all to do with breast feeding/pumping. That’s between you and the tiny human latched on to you. That’s it. No exceptions.
20) Your New Year’s Resolution, what you gave up for Lent, etc. Unless you are giving up doing things #1-19 on this list for Lent, I’m not interested…
AND FOR THE LAST TIME DORON LAMB, NO I WILL NOT FOLLOW YOUR BOY RICHYP69! He never says anything interesting. Ever. And how long have we been trying to get him to 5,000 followers? Give up the fight. Who with me? *Doron voice*