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Things people care about as much as your NCAA tournament bracket

People care about a lot of things in this life. People pretend to care about even more. Boyfriends pretend to care about their girlfriend’s day, Louisville fans pretend to care when their team is good, and we all pretend to care about politics the day of and the day after the election.

Whatever you do this March, don’t make people pretend to care about OR assume people care about your bracket. I promise you that they don’t. They especially don’t care if you fill out more than one bracket. Just like they don’t care about your fantasy football team, they don’t care that you picked Oregon to upset Oklahoma State. You know who else picked Oregon to upset Oklahoma State? A bunch of other people, and I don’t care about their brackets either. Raise your hand if you’ve read at least 10 tweets about someone’s bracket “being screwed” or “still perfect so far!” Keep that hand raised in the air. Now move it down slightly and hit the unfollow button. You won’t regret it, and someone else will send out a tweet to let you know when it’s raining outside. You’re good. Promise.

In case you are still of the belief that people do care about your bracket and how it’s doing, let me compare it to a few other things of a similar nature that people do not care about:

*Warning: Chances are that I will piss you off with at least 1 of the things on this list. Why? Because you think someone cares about it and you’ve shared it with them recently. They don’t.

1) Your fantasy football team


2) Your highest score on Temple Run


3) Your Aunt Patrice’s medical diagnosis (especially when you map it out in great detail to them via social media of any form)


4) The size of the child in your womb (especially via Facebook update). Even when you try to compare it to every day things like raisins, peanuts, apples, irons, LeBron James’ hairline, a 40 ounce of Natural Light… No one really cares. And those claymation ultrasound pictures are scary and creepy. And anyone who tells you they are not scary and creepy…well, they are either lying or they are Helen Keller. Or they just posted an ultrasound picture, too! The two of you should hang out.


5) What you ate for dinner… even if you use a cool filter on Instagram. Unless you are sharing it, no one cares.


6) If your child is an honor student at _____ School


7) Your 2nd, 3rd, and 4th “Throwback Thursday” picture of the day.


8) How your new workout plan is going. Especially if it’s P90x. We all know you aren’t going to finish it. Quit now.


8b) While we’re at it… No one cares how long you ran with Nike Plus. My favorite is when people say “I just ran 0.3 miles with Nike Plus.” You didn’t just run 0.3 miles. You walked to your car. That doesn’t count.


8c) If you’re training for a marathon (hey, it’s marathon season…If you didn’t know, you clearly don’t have Facebook), just go ahead and assume that no one wants to hear about anything you have to say for the next 2 months. It’s commendable– impressive even. But no one cares.


9) How good you were at a sport in high school.


10) Your club/business/organization/youth group’s latest Harlem Shake video.


11) Your child’s extracurricular activities, unless they are selling Girl Scout cookies. In that case, holler.


12) Your dog’s favorite human foods. We’ve all owned dogs. Your dog’s favorite food is another dog’s sh*t. Your dog doesn’t prefer fried tofu to steamed carrots. Your dog thinks it’s eating sh*t, because that’s probably what that stuff tastes like anyway.


13) Your vacation pictures. I wasn’t there and the beach picture you just showed me looks exactly like the last 12….hundred I’ve seen in my life.  As my friend Brandon Daulton says, “Pictures are like dreams. If you’re not in them and nobody’s having… *ahem*, I don’t care.”


14) Your wedding board on Pinterest. If you have a wedding board, you’re single.


15) Your tax refund, or lack thereof.


16) Your 780 engagement photos.  Cool, you snuck on someone’s horse farm and faked a J. Crew ad. I’d like to see the best one, maybe two. That’s it.


17) A Pete Thamel or Pat Forde article.


18) Your birthday. I only care if you are turning 21 or 100. Anything before 21 or between 21 and 100, seriously, way to go. You stayed alive for another year. We don’t need to celebrate for a week. And we definitely don’t need to you to retweet every person who sends you a “happy birthday tweet.” That’s an instant unfollow.


19) Literally anything at all to do with breast feeding/pumping. That’s between you and the tiny human latched on to you. That’s it. No exceptions.


20) Your New Year’s Resolution, what you gave up for Lent, etc. Unless you are giving up doing things #1-19 on this list for Lent, I’m not interested…


AND FOR THE LAST TIME DORON LAMB, NO I WILL NOT FOLLOW YOUR BOY RICHYP69! He never says anything interesting. Ever. And how long have we been trying to get him to 5,000 followers? Give up the fight. Who with me? *Doron voice*

Article written by Ally Tucker

I once successfully requested "The Wobble" to be played 6 times at one wedding.

35 Comments for Things people care about as much as your NCAA tournament bracket

  1. HumanKevinJones
    6:06 pm March 22, 2013 Permalink

    I literally laughed out loud on that last one. RichyP69 is the coat tail ridingest mf’er this side of the mighty Mississip.

  2. repsol-69
    6:07 pm March 22, 2013 Permalink

    easily top 10 post in KSR history…classic

  3. Ukerin
    6:08 pm March 22, 2013 Permalink

    I hope everyone cares this is the funniest article I’ve seen on KSR. My girl crush has moved from Mrs TT to Ally.

  4. JHD
    6:12 pm March 22, 2013 Permalink

    This is the best thing I’ve read all day. Not that anyone cares.

  5. Brandon Daulton
    6:15 pm March 22, 2013 Permalink

    I stole that quote from Always Sunny in Philly….

  6. ...Epic
    6:17 pm March 22, 2013 Permalink

    Ally… I love you. This is easily one of the most important pieces of literature ever. You have the Bible, the Declaration, The Bill of Rights and then this post. Amazing job Ally. Drew has a battle for funniest writer now!

  7. Ricky
    6:18 pm March 22, 2013 Permalink

    Awesome post! I love the randomness.

  8. MHFaulkner
    6:22 pm March 22, 2013 Permalink

    This sounds like one of my daily rants at work.

    Clearly, Ally needs laid.

  9. TuckyGirl
    6:26 pm March 22, 2013 Permalink

    One of the best posts I have read in awhile. It hit home with me on a few and I laughed. Ally, this is great!

  10. thick rick
    6:34 pm March 22, 2013 Permalink

    I felt like I was in the church of Tucker! Fine line between preaching and old man ranting, but it was awesome! Dido to every word! And the random shot to RichyP! lol! Thought you were gonna go after the Socks of the Day.
    Take a deep breath Ally. It will be okay.

  11. Andy Roony
    6:39 pm March 22, 2013 Permalink

    I’m suing. Nice work, however.

  12. Nate Trump
    6:42 pm March 22, 2013 Permalink

    We should have to pay for this. So I say THANK YOU!

  13. me
    6:43 pm March 22, 2013 Permalink

    Ally, you’re in my top five KSR writers now. Flener’s out. Not that anyone cares

  14. Clint
    6:43 pm March 22, 2013 Permalink

    i laughed at every one of them

  15. Brandon
    6:46 pm March 22, 2013 Permalink

    lol’d at a few of these. idk why, but the bit about dog food made me laugh, even after re-reading it. and that richyp thing is so freakin’ true.

  16. Josh
    6:53 pm March 22, 2013 Permalink

    I feel so bad for you people. If your friends don’t care about your bracket and FF team, you need new friends.

  17. RY
    6:58 pm March 22, 2013 Permalink

    Great post

  18. Jax Teller
    7:03 pm March 22, 2013 Permalink

    One of the funniest things I’ve seen on the site in a while. Excellent work. Kudos.

  19. RahRah
    7:20 pm March 22, 2013 Permalink

    I’m guilty of a few of these…..still hilarious. Great post, Ally!

  20. ukfan
    7:22 pm March 22, 2013 Permalink

    well, someone is PMS’ing.

  21. Dan
    7:22 pm March 22, 2013 Permalink

    Don’t forget pictures of kids and pictures of your dog or cat

  22. keep calm and bleed blue
    7:40 pm March 22, 2013 Permalink

    Ally, I am not sure you have many friends…. you don’t seem to care about anything in anyone’s life…. I am not sure I want to hear what you have to say from now on.

  23. SeaCat
    7:49 pm March 22, 2013 Permalink

    Ally, i hope you checked to make sure
    Andrew Wiggins doesn’t do any of these.

  24. Plylesky
    7:50 pm March 22, 2013 Permalink

    That was great, my feelings every day at lunch, while I hafta hear JUNK

  25. Hudgie DeRobertis
    7:55 pm March 22, 2013 Permalink

    Hey…”keep calm and bleed blue” – lighten up. Methinks you doth protest to much.

  26. ukcats42301
    8:20 pm March 22, 2013 Permalink

    Same thing goes for facebook. Why is it some people think they have to give a play by play of what’s happening in their day? Like, going to pick up dry cleaning and then taking the kids to soccer practice etc. etc. NO ONE CARES!!!!!

  27. yep
    8:48 pm March 22, 2013 Permalink

    If a person doesn’t tweet about what they are doing, what they already did, or about what they are going to do, then what does that leave them?

  28. UKBlue
    8:53 pm March 22, 2013 Permalink

    Damn this country & world has become narcissistic; look at me look at me I’m important, no you’re not. A friend who has lets say a very high security clearance told me all the main agencies can’t believe people are actually stupid enough to put pretty much their entire lives on the internet for anyone & everyone to see. The info out there now, they used to have to obtain warrants to get access to this type of info; not anymore.

  29. Catlanta
    8:55 pm March 22, 2013 Permalink

    One thing: if you are a hottie then post all the bikini pics you want from vacation

  30. bballdoc
    10:20 pm March 22, 2013 Permalink

    Ally, my dog always preferred cat sh*t.

    5:08 am March 23, 2013 Permalink


  32. Schart
    7:19 am March 23, 2013 Permalink

    While I laughed at this post, how about not having 1k facebook/twitter friends that you don’t really care about.

  33. Corey Davis
    9:07 am March 23, 2013 Permalink

    This might possibly be the greatest thing ever posted on the internet. For today, nonetheless, Ally has won the internet.

  34. hmm
    11:42 am March 23, 2013 Permalink

    I normally only leave comments on here to call out idiots and troll, but damn this was good

  35. yep
    12:20 pm March 23, 2013 Permalink

    top 5 all time on here, well done ma’am