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They Are Who We Thought They Were: Miami University

miami_redhawks

When I first heard of Mosley’s accident, two questions immediately came to mind: how does one flip a golf cart at a charity scramble, and what will the future hold for Know Your Enemy? Know Your Enemy is a ritual. It is just as routine in preparing for a game as studying film, pregame walkthroughs, listening to Jeezy, and filling the Sip n’ Seat with a fifth of the finest bourbon. It is crucial to every game, every season. How can we take the field without knowing our enemy, first? How will Kentucky fans know anything about the upcoming opponent? Who will we turn to for cheerleader scouting reports and notable alumni? Well ladies and gentlemen, after months of prayer, auditions, and Craigslistings, and not finding anyone else better to do it, I have been called on. I, Drew Franklin, your least favorite blogger, the one with no morals or regard for others, the one that makes no attempt at serious journalism, the one that probably woke up on your couch this morning, am here to introduce to you, the Redhawks of Miami University. May God have mercy on their souls…

The School
Miami (the one in Ohio with all the white people, not that other one) is a coeducational public university located in the college town of Oxford, Ohio. Known as “J. Crew U”, the university is the nation’s only public university with a campus dress code. Miami’s male students are required to wear at least two polos of complementary colors with both collars popped at a 90 degree angle, while female students are required to tan 5-6 times a week, bleach their naturally brown hair, and carry at least 3 of the university mandated accessories (i.e. pearls, Vera Bradley bag, sunglasses that cover ¾ of the face). The enforcement of the university dress code provides unity amongst the students, while warding off any diversity in race and social class.

Nickname/Mascot: “Swoop”

Miami was formerly known as the Redskins but changed their name to the Redhawks in 1997 at the request of some Oklahoma-based redskins, that do not like being referred to as redskins.  After putting it to a vote, the university elected to go with the Redhawks, over other suggested nicknames such as “The Fighting Daddy’s Credit Cards”, “The Abercombie and Fitch’s”, and “The Screaming Rich White Kids”.  Their mascot  “Swoop” will be frequenting the sidelines of Paul Brown on Saturday and will likely be the recipient of an empty beer can to the head if he crosses my path in the second half.

The Cheerleaders

Did anyone expect anything less from one of the hottest student bodies in the nation?  Sorry, no fat girls here.  Miami’s cheerleaders are the type of girls you’d take home to dad, just to let him know that his boy’s got it.  If any of the Miami cheerleaders are reading this (and I know you are)… my name is Drew, I’m 6’2, clean, and disease free.  I like a nice glass of a wine and Zack Efron movies.  The offer is on the table and I’ll accept all takers, but I’ve really got my eyes on you, Allie…

Notable Alumni

— Ben Roethlisrapist ’04 – Pittsburgh Steelers’ quarterback and NFL Rookie of the Year who became the youngest winning quarterback in Super Bowl history.  In his time at Miami, he learned vital techniques in passing and sexual assault. 
— Wally Szczerbiak ’99 – NBA guard/forward for the Cleveland Cavaliers
— Benjamin Harrison 1852 – 23rd President of the United States

Players To Watch


#12 Daniel Raudabaugh QB
Entering his senior season, Raudabaugh is on pace to break Miami’s all-time touchdown passes by a ginger record.  Daniel threw eight touchdowns in 11 starts for the Redhawks last season.  He is expected to have a short-lived senior year at Miami, as Kentucky linebacker Micah Johnson is expected to rip off his head and feed it to his children.  He also likes waffles and his favorite athlete is Trevard Lindley.


#1 Dustin Woods WR
Dustin Woods, or D-Woods as he is known on the field, is poised for a big senior year at wide receiver, according to a Google search.  And by big senior year, they mean thanks for playing, you have no future in football.  If Woods is matched up with Lindley on Saturday, then those brown stains on his pants aren’t mud.


#22 Jordan Gafford SS
Jordan Gafford is not only the leader of the Redhawk defense but he is also one of the ugliest people that I have ever seen.  Entering his junior year, Gafford is on the preseason watch list for the “Andreas Kreiger Award” for student athletes that look like transvestite hookers.  Good luck to Jordan, not just on the field, but also in social settings and life in general.  Looks like it could be an uphill battle.

Redhawks’ Head Coach – Mike Haywood

Before becoming Miami’s head coach this offseason, Mike Haywood spent the past four seasons as offensive coordinator at Notre Dame under Charlie Weis (not physically under Weis, that would be horrific).  If Notre Dame’s offense in the past few years is any indication of Haywood’s coaching ability, I highly suggest a career change.  Only time will tell how Haywood will fare as a head coach, as he looks to get Miami back on track after last year’s two win season.  Look for Miami’s new ball coach to revive the program through intense recruiting, gameplanning, and posing like a badass in university photographs.

My Final Word and Prediction

As I browse through various previews of tomorrow’s game, looking for a good one to copy and paste because I am in a hurry, it looks as if everyone is calling Miami a big unknown.  Ah c’mon, cut the crap.  They are very known.  They won two games last year.  Two games.  That is enough to know for me.  Cats win big…. 

The offense starts off slow as Hartline tries to ignore the chants of outrage and hate roaring from my section.  Miami holds Kentucky to 46 total yards as the first quarter ends in a 3-3 tie.  Then, as UK takes over possession in the second quarter, the mustache hobbles out of the tunnel and onto the field as Paul Brown Stadium erupts.  The offense welcomes the ‘stache into the huddle and the rest is history.  Matthews scores his first 11 touchdowns as a Wildcat, the running game puts up over 600 yards, and a convoy of Rich Brooks Edition F-150s head for Haufbrahaus to celebrate, led by the KSR gang packed into BTI’s Rav-4 (shotgun).

Kentucky 96, Miami University 5

Go Cats.

Article written by Drew Franklin

I can recite every line from Forrest Gump, blindfolded. Follow me on Twitter: @DrewFranklinKSR