Tonight, the John Calipari dynasty begins as the Cats take on Morehead State to tipoff the season. I know we’re all excited about basketball, but let’s not forget the importance of the football Cats game tomorrow afternoon. We gotta have it. The oh so familiar must-win game is upon us and it will determine our postseason. C’mon Cats, it’s Vandy. They are who we thought they were…
The 18th ranked university in the country, also known as “the Harvard of the South”. In 2003, Vandy completely did away with the athletic department, becoming the only Division 1 college to administer sports under the Division of Student Life. The school cited a need to focus on the student half of student-athletics.
— Al Gore – The very reason you are here reading this today. Gore invented the internet and, in time, he will save us all from the global warming monster.
— Skip Bayless – ESPN First Take’s diabolical hater. Skip has notoriously dropped the overrated bomb on Lebron James, Adrian Peterson, and Tiger Woods. “Hate-Hate-Hate-Hate!”
— Molly Sims – Sports Illustrated cover model and the best thing to come out of Murray, Kentucky since Popeye Jones
— Bill Boner – Former Nashville mayor. To prevent people from making fun of his name, he prefers to go by William
— Jay Cutler – Let’s just say, we’ve met. I’ll leave it at that for now.
Cheerleader Scouting Report
Someone smells like mothballs
For this week’s edition, I asked Hazel (middle left) what a gameday in the life of a Vanderbilt cheerleader is like. She was kind enough to give KSR an exclusive look into her routine…
— 06:00 am: Total, decaf coffee, and Metamucil wafers
— 06:25 am: Bathroom
— 06:50 am: Daily crossword puzzle and The Andy Griffith Show
— 07:20 am: Bathroom
— 07:45 am: Gameday Prep: Check the LifeAlert batteries and re-tennis ball the walker
— 08:00 am: Bathroom (trying to remember if I re-tennis balled the walker)
— 08:20 am: Hit the bong and listen to The Chronic
— 08:55 am: Drive to the stadium (27 mph in the fast lane with the right blinker on)
— 10:40 am: Arrive at the stadium and check-in; Bathroom (immediately)
— 11:10 am: Dress for game. Bloomers today? Depends.
— 11:40 am: Pre-game snack – Fig Newtons, carrot sticks, and a french vanilla Ensure
— 12:00 pm: Get into formations. Gimme a V! Gimme a er… umm…. What are we spelling?
— 12:21 pm: Kickoff – Go Commodores!
— 03:30 pm: Game over. Hurry home to catch Murder She Wrote
Interesting. Thank you, Hazel.
Key Players To Watch
#10 Larry Smith, QB
According to his player bio on Vandy’s website, Larry Darnell Smith Jr. is the son of an aerospace science instructor and a computer technician. He is a former Alabama Mr. Football, Wendy’s High School Heisman nominee, honors student and Beta Club member. He is majoring in health and human science and plans to pursue a career in sports medicine.
Sounds like it’s time to get Taylor Wyndham’d.
*** Larry Smith is out for the season. FOOTBALL PREVIEW FAIL.***
#56 Greg Billinger, DT
Billinger’s status for the game was questionable after being seen in the after life waiting room on Beetlejuice. No word on the extent of the injury but you would have to imagine that he plays in this one, shrunken head or not. Billinger leads the Commodores in sacks this season with 3.5.
#27 Warren Norman, RB
Warren Norman is a freshman running back out of Stone Mountain, Georgia (sound familiar?). He has rushed for 658 yards this season with three touchdowns on 116 carries. More notably, Norman is tied for the SEC record with three kick return touchdowns. He is on pace to break Herschel Walker’s freshman record for all-purpose yardage and is a shoo-in for SEC freshman of the year. Watch him, folks. He’s good.
Sounds like it’s time to get Micah Johnson’d.
Last Year’s Game: Vanderbilt 31, Kentucky 24
Last season, Vanderbilt came into a rainy, freezing Commonwealth Stadium for a battle under the lights on ESPN. As always, it was a must win for Kentucky. The Cats were sitting at 6-4 and looking to make a trip to the Chik-Fil-A bowl.
The Commodores dominated early and took a 14-0 lead into the second quarter. It took a touchdown return by David Jones on a blocked field goal to even keep this one close. Vandy controlled the entire game. Kentucky got within a touchdown to start the fourth quarter, but Vandy scored immediately to stretch it back to a two possession lead at 31-17. A late Randall Cobb rushing touchdown made it a somewhat respectable score, and for the second year in a row, Kentucky lost a crucial, backbreaking game at home.
Final Word / Prediction
Here we are again, all or nothing game against Vandy. I want to say I’m confident in the Cats but I just can’t do it. On the podcast, I said Vanderbilt will win 24-21. Today, to prevent even more death threats, I will retract that prediction and take a Kentucky win. This one will be close…
Kentucky 24, Vanderbilt 23
After the game, Kentucky fans paint the Wildhorse Saloon blue. Rich Brooks gives the players the green light to party downtown to get Nashville out of their system (we won’t be coming back this winter.) Fans and players party the night away to the sounds of Micah Johnson singing “Redneck Woman” on the karaoke stage, while Randall Cobb woos the women of Music City with his flawless pickup line, “girl you’re like a punt return cuz I’m takin you to the house.” Meanwhile, Lones Seiber hangs out with a few teenagers outside of 7 Eleven, after being denied at the bar for a fake i.d. Eventually, the boys call it a night, and like responsible adults that have been drinking, they all climb on John Conner’s back for a safe ride home.